


Obsessed

by Phantje



Category: Super Junior
Genre: A lot of references to canon stuff, Alternate Universe - College/University, Feelings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I cannot believe I got this done before the comeback, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Smut, POV Donghae, Super Junior - Freeform, Sweet, daily updates, the renaissance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:16:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 47,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantje/pseuds/Phantje
Summary: Something about his new place is weird. Donghae does not feel at home. He is alone, Hyukjae is relatively close by, but that's not the same as living with him, Teuk, and Heechul. Donghae can of course just go to Hyukjae's place and make himself feel at home, but it increasingly feels like Hyukjae likes him considerably less than he likes him. Add the perfect Siwon into the mix, and Donghae is heading straight for heartbreak. What better ways to celebrate his independence.Let's watch Donghae and Hyukjae fall in love while waiting for the comeback! (Last chapter will be posted on the 15th of March!) :)
Relationships: Lee Donghae/Lee Hyukjae | Eunhyuk
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am very excited to share this story with you! :) I hope you like it and that we can spend the time before the comeback together! :) I will upload one chapter each day, so sit back and enjoy two of my favourite boys ever falling in love. <3  
> This is my first Suju story. I'm sorry for not including everyone. :O Please talk to me in the comments! :)  
> Have a lovely day, everyone! Until tomorrow! Stay safe and take care! xx

_ Chapter 1  _

The first time Donghae had realised that he might be in a bit of spot was, and he really wasn’t proud to admit this, when Teuk had pulled him up the flight of stairs, shoving him into Hyukjae’s room exclaiming: “We are going to adopt him!”

Shortly before, at the end of their room-search conversation, Teuk had asked Donghae about his personal information. Once he had told him his birthname and birthdate, Teuk had jumped up and screamed: “Hyukjae is going to love you!”

It had not been Teuk’s ridiculous antics that had given Donghae the sense of looming danger, instead, it had been the boy in front of the desk, slowly turning around after getting startled when Teuk had thrown the door open. The boy was beautiful which anyone clearly would have noted.

The first thing Donghae had noticed were Hyukjae’s big eyes, that had not tried to hide his confusion while looking at Teuk. His hair had been a little ruffled and it had looked annoyingly soft, the ends poking into his eyes a little bit.

In hindsight, Donghae noticed that there was nothing truly remarkable about the boy, but something about him simply struck a chord in him.

“Adopt him? Us? You and me?” Those had been the first words Donghae had heard Hyukjae speak.

They had been directed at Teuk and not him, but that did not mean that Donghae should have stayed unaffected by the kindness that shone through.

Again, in hindsight, maybe Hyukjae’s voice had been normal, but, immediately, to Donghae, it seemed like the nicest voice he had ever heard.

“Not you and me, you are also an adoptive child. Heechul and me are going to adopt him.” Teuk grinned, dimples next to his lips clearly visible.

“I am not your adoptive child!” Hyukjae had blushed a little, which had been the second time a sense of dread had made itself known to Donghae.

“You are.” Teuk had said happily. “And now, I have found you an adoptive brother. This is Donghae.” Teuk had said doing jazzy hands next to Donghae’s face.

“He’s moving in here with us?” Hyukjae had asked, pushing his chair away from the desk and standing up. “Did you consult Heechul about this?”

“Heechul trusts me with everything I do.”

“The burning toaster says otherwise.” Hyukjae had tilted his head.

“I am here because of Heechul’s recommendation.” Donghae had spoken up eventually, aware that this was the first time he said anything in Hyukjae’s presence.

“That’s what I said.” Teuk had grinned.

“Hardly.” Hyukjae had glared at him, but then, he had looked at Donghae, and it had felt like time was coming to a stand-still. Hyukjae smiled at him!

“Nice to meet you. My name is Lee Hyukjae.”

“Nice to meet you too. My name is Lee Donghae.”

“And I am Lee Teuk! See we are meant to be a family!” Teuk had grabbed one hand each from Hyukjae and Donghae, smiling brightly.

“Apart from, you’re not?” Hyukjae had extracted his hand from Teuk and had crossed his arms in front of his chest. Donghae had quickly looked over to Teuk. He did not need to feel like the ground giving way for the third time already.

“Well, my given name might not exactly be Lee Teuk.”

“You don’t say, Park Sungju.” Hyukjae had raised an eyebrow but had been smiling brightly the second time Donghae had briefly glanced over to him.

“It is my chosen name just like you are my chosen family.” Teuk had ignored Hyukjae’s comment and wiped a fake tear away from his eyes.

“I’d love to tell you he’s not always like this, but it might be best for you to steal yourself for what is to come.” Hyukjae had said to Donghae in full volume, expertly dodging a weak punch Teuk had tried to throw at him.

“Yes.” Donghae had said stupidly. He did agree fully with Hyukjae, but even then, he very wisely thought that the person he needed to steal himself for was Hyukjae and not Teuk.

Later that evening, Donghae had moved into the room between Heechul and Teuk with Hyukjae a little further away behind a broom closet which was just fine.

Donghae had met him briefly, had talked to him in the minimum of sentences that constituted a conversation, and he already felt both on edge and weirdly calm around Hyukjae.

While his new housemates had helped Donghae carry up his few belongings into his room, Donghae had noticed that Hyukjae smiled a considerable deal more in day-to-day life, so when he was not arguing with Teuk.

It was a beautiful sight and helped install calmness in Donghae, which was ironic really, seeing that he felt his veins buzzing whenever Hyukjae smiled. Still, Donghae felt calm and capable of taking on this new start at university. He was in a house with two funny and one particularly gorgeous senior. He would be fine.

“Look at them.” Heechul had said loudly with an arm around Teuk’s shoulder while Hyukjae had offered to help Donghae cut some vegetables for dinner.

“I do think that Hyukjae is going to love him.” Teuk had said.

“That’s what I thought!” Heechul had said. “Our little family of four. The Lees.” Heechul had sighed dramatically.

“You are a Kim and you always will be.” Hyukjae had said. Donghae had been a little too busy blushing to try and see whether Hyukjae had at all been affected by the older two’s teasing.

“Not if I marry Teuk.”

“Then, you’d be a Park.” Hyukjae had said.

“You are against true love.”

“I am against forgery of official documents.” Hyukjae had replied, and Donghae had suddenly started laughing.

Hyukjae had turned around to him in surprise. His eyes had crinkled and then, he had started laughing too. And that had been the fifth time Donghae’s stomach had swooshed around, not exactly unpleasantly but it had still certainly been unfamiliar. The idea that he was in a bit of a spot had certainly manifested itself by the time he had gone to sleep on his first evening in the Lee Mansion, as Heechul petulantly called it, even after they had all moved out.

On that first evening, Donghae had not known just what sort of spot he was in, but the looming dread had been present already.

The spot was so comfortable, that over the following year, Donghae simply got more and more comfortable in it. There was something pressing on his mind almost every day with increasing insistency, but he did not feel like addressing it. Pushing it away worked just as well.

Whenever his stomach pulled in on itself, coincidentally usually right after Hyukjae had started collapsing into some object or other from laughing too hard, Donghae jumped a little, then shook his head to push the thought out of the way and went to catch Hyukjae so that he did not hurt himself in his laughing.

Towards the end of their stay in the Lee Mansion, Donghae started having dreams that left him feeling with a fast beating but nevertheless deeply content heart in the morning. The only thing he remembered from the dreams were Hyukjae’s smiling face, but that was on his mind virtually every second of the day, so maybe he got something mixed up there.

In any case, it was only when Donghae started moving out of his old room and into his own flat that his thoughts started taking a clearer shape, albeit only very slowly.

Donghae had unpacked his belongings and looked around the tiny room. This was different from living in a surprisingly big two-story house on the outskirts of the town with Heechul, Teuk, and Hyukjae. Its size was different, but the whole atmosphere was different too.

Earlier, when Heechul, Teuk, and Hyukjae had each carried one box for Donghae to start his own household, the flat had seemed a lot friendlier. Donghae had not even felt any sense of dread at the idea of living alone.

That, he now realised, was purely because he had not really been aware, he would be alone.

Heechul and Teuk had the uncanny ability to create noise even when they were not exactly speaking. Looking at their (often scheming) faces made it seem like something could happen every second, which was in some weird way louder than a conversation would have been.

Donghae had well adapted to working despite all the actual and imagined noise around him that he might have actually unlearned how to work in total silence.

Now that Heechul and Teuk had finished their studies and were moving into apartments more convenient for their jobs, Donghae and Hyukjae had decided to move closer to the university too. Hyukjae had had the idea first. In fact, he had only ever told Donghae about it when he had already chosen and applied for a new apartment.

Donghae had found an apartment within walking distance to Hyukjae which lessened the pain of moving out a little bit.

He looked around the apartment now and found that confined to the four walls, the relatively short distance to Hyukjae was no comfort at all. Hyukjae was not here with him which was enough to make Donghae miserable. Well, a little sad. Lonely maybe. Not as happy as he could be. Not as happy as he should be?

Donghae grabbed his phone and decided to risk some part of his dignity and called Heechul.

“Hello.” Heechul sing-songed. “I am very important but when my youngest son calls, I am always ready to talk.”

“I am not your son.” Donghae said, sitting down on his bed and pulling his knees to his chest. He had less venom in his voice than usual, which Heechul was sure to pick up on immediately.

“How is your independent life going? I haven’t talked to you in ages.”

“You saw me five hours ago.”

“Has it really been that long?” Heechul gasped. “How are you holding up?” the question was surprisingly sincere that Donghae found it difficult not to answer honestly.

“It’s a bit not so fun here.”

“Not so fun?”

“Yes. Less noise, less company, more grey.” Donghae summarised cleverly.

“Are you lonely?”

“A little.” Donghae admitted.

“You might get used to it with time. Also, Hyukjae is not that far away.” Heechul said cheerfully.

“Mh.” Donghae hummed and sighed.

“I did worry you would miss him.” Heechul was compassionate which was not totally unheard of but in its raw form still something of a surprise.

“I am a grown man. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“Considerably less grown than me, less wise, in any case. So, I worry as much as I choose.” Heechul laughed. “Grown and independent are a little bit different.”

“They seem to be.” Donghae sighed and hugged his knees a little closer.

“It will be fine, trust me. If anything, the things you love will seem even more fun now.”

“How?”

“Tell me, what do you love to do?” Heechul had a knowing note in his voice but as this meant he could potentially help him, Donghae did not mind as much as he usually minded.

“Stay inside and watch series with Hyuk? Sometimes go outside, come back and cook with Hyuk? Study while you bustle around us?” Donghae was smiling a little when he listed those things. “I really cannot see how they will be fun now that I am on my own though.” He said and his smile dropped.

“It will feel like a special occasion whenever you go to Hyuk to do these things. Also, you would not be staying inside, you would leave the house to have an adventure. Even if that adventure means napping on Hyuk’s couch, it still sounds more badass than staying inside.”

“Mh.” Donghae hummed.

“Also, you can learn something from this too.”

“What?”

“You can learn not to be miserable as soon as you don’t see Hyuk in the morning.”

“I am not always miserable when I don’t see him.”

“Yes, you are.” Heechul said cheerfully. “I guess that’s what love does to you, not that I would know exactly.”  
“What?” Donghae sat up abruptly.

“I am not very experienced is what I am saying.”

“Not very experienced in what?” Donghae asked, pressing the phone closer to his ear.

“Now that you put it like that: In a lot. I should probably get working. You’ll pull through, Hae. Go visit Hyuk and help him unpack or something. You can call me again this evening.”

“Wait.” Donghae said, heart beating wildly.

“How about we get together with Teuk at Hyuk’s place, seeing that we already saw yours this morning.”

“Sure…”

“Perfect. See you then!” Heechul hung up, and Donghae was left staring into his room in utter disbelief.

Especially now that Heechul had tried avoiding talking about it again, Donghae was sure he had said something about love.

‘This is what love does to you.’

What on earth did he mean by that? Love as in the loving atmosphere of the Lee Mansion or love as in Donghae was in love with Hyukjae?

Hyukjae dropped his phone and froze. Donghae was in love with Hyukjae? Was Donghae in love with Hyukjae?

Surely, at some point, he should have noticed something about this, should it be true.

Then again, maybe this was the point.

Donghae jumped up and speed-walked to the little kitchen in the corner of the room, which almost took him three full seconds.

He opened the tap and held his hands underneath the cool water.

“Impossible.” Donghae told himself, staring at the water dripping off his hands. “We’re brothers.” he tried to say. He had always felt queasy whenever Teuk or Heechul said it, so this did not bring any comfort now either.

“Very good friends.” That was too weak. “Best friends!”

Donghae’s hands started feeling a little numb, so he pulled them out from underneath the water.

“Best friends.” Donghae repeated. It did have a nice and comforting ring to it. Donghae felt like it represented just what he was to Hyukjae.

And what he was to Hyukjae of course.

Donghae stopped in his tracks, already halfway back at the bed.

Yes, he was Hyukjae’s best friend. Hyukjae was his best friend. But, suddenly, that did not feel… enough?

Hyukjae was the picture-perfect best friend, no doubt about that. But… the part he really played in Donghae’s life, was bigger than that.

Was it?

Donghae took the remaining two steps and flopped down on the bed again, quickly hiding his head underneath the blanket until he felt uncomfortably warm and poked his head out again.

Why would Heechul carelessly say something like that? This was evidently all his fault.

Donghae had been happy. He had been fine. He had been comfortably settled in life. He had been ready to embrace this new step in his life.

Apart from… well, no, to all of that.

Donghae had not been happy, or fine. He had called Heechul precisely because he had not been any of those things. He had been unhappy and lonely.

Completely unprecedented and not exactly fair, Donghae’s mind suddenly jumped back to all those moments when his stomach had sunk with something close to a realisation. He had always pushed all thoughts away and had never let it come as far as a real realisation, but the moments in and of themselves were telling enough already.

Right from the beginning, Donghae had had some sort of notion. Other stomach swooping moments had included Hyukjae cuddling closer into him sleepily when seeking refuge in Donghae’s bed after stressing about exams. Hyukjae had pressed himself into Donghae’s side and had fallen asleep. While Donghae had tried pushing the realisation away and return his breathing back to normal, he had felt how Hyukjae slowly stopped jittering and went lax with tension leaving his body.

This resulted in Donghae’s stomach swooping again, a realisation nearing his conscious thoughts, and him having to calm down his breathing all over again.

Donghae groaned and turned around so that he was staring at the ceiling. Surely, everyone’s stomach swooped whenever there was someone important to you doing things that made you happy.

Donghae’s stomach had swooped because of something Heechul or Teuk had done before too.

Donghae squinted his eyes and tried very hard to think of such an instance.

Fine, maybe not. Maybe, it was only Hyukjae that made his stomach swoop. However! That could simply be because he was unarguably the absolutely single most beautiful person Donghae had ever seen.

And that was based on facts and not any personal preferences. There was no one with big, kind, and sparkling eyes, hair that made any sort of cut work, adorable cheeks, and a toned body from all the dancing he did.

Those were facts. Donghae was not any cleverer for noticing them when others seemed too stupid to notice. Well, he was certainly cleverer than most, but everyone should notice really. Hyukjae was gorgeous. And that was not even including the adorable smiles and his laughing with his eyes crinkling up sweetly.

Donghae smiled and felt warm thinking about Hyukjae’s smile.

That was normal, wasn’t it? Thinking about Teuk’s smile also made Donghae happy. Yes. It did. There was however also no use pretending that Donghae felt as warm thinking about Teuk as he did thinking about Hyukjae.

That clearly said something about favouritism. But favouritism did not immediately mean love, did it? Just because he liked Hyukjae more, felt better around him, and more miserable when he wasn’t there did not mean he loved him.

Donghae closes his eyes and tries to calm down. That is something of a big feat with the sense of dread approaching him steadily.

Donghae forced himself to repeat a series of slow breaths before he opened his eyes again.

He was going to approach this rationally. He was going to work with true statements and hope to come to some sort of conclusion through that.

Donghae felt happiest when he was around Hyukjae. It was his company that he sought out most frequently. If Donghae could, he would very much like to have Hyukjae close to him at all times. Even the truly scary things like his own future seemed a little less daunting when Hyukjae was there, ready to shoot a comforting smile at Donghae.

What was more, Donghae should probably admit that any praise coming from Hyukjae was more important to him than any other compliment he had ever received. Hyukjae was the person he respected the most, so it was natural that his praise should mean the most to Donghae.

Another undebatable truth was Donghae’s easily stirred feeling of neglect. He did not like it when Hyukjae spend time with other people. He did not like to see him look happier with other people than he did with him.

Knowing that Hyukjae was spending time with other people was alright but seeing him focus on someone completely while Donghae was also in the room was not pleasant at all. Donghae felt neglected at those times. He envied the person in the centre of Hyukjae’s attention.

Oh.

But that did not mean he was jealous, did it? No, jealousy was too big a word. Just because Donghae wanted to be able to call Hyukjae his and not be threatened by other people did not mean he was jealous.

Donghae spared himself a quick search on the internet which would have very likely given him that exact definition for jealousy. Instead, he tried convincing himself for a few moments that a little bit of jealousy was not enough proof for him being in love.

However, when he eventually decided to test himself and imagined someone in Hyukjae’s life that might even be subject to adoring smiles, he felt jealousy flare up inside him as strongly as he had ever felt it.

Donghae closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing again. He might or might not have just discovered that he was in love with his best friend. Breathing was bound to be difficult in that precise moment, maybe he would never be able to breathe normally again!

Dramatic reactions were not going to help Donghae in the long run, so he got up and walked to his small bathroom to take a shower. A shower was overdue anyways, so he might make use of the massaging water and calm down.

While showering, Donghae’s mind was delightfully empty. He focused on the shower and felt fresh and content when he stepped out of the cubicle. He did feel a little less happy when he banged his elbow against the wall while towelling himself dry. He would have to get used to the smaller space.

When Donghae wiped the mirror clean to be able to see his face while applying moisturiser, he still felt content. However, when he looked at his face, he jumped.

This was the same face he had looked at throughout his whole life. But now, it was also the face of someone that was in love with their best friend.

Donghae loved Hyukjae.

Donghae leaned closer to the mirror and stared into his eyes. “I love Hyuk.” He whispered. He felt a shiver run through him at hearing the words out loud for the first time.

“I love him.” Donghae still kept his voice quiet. There was no one that could have heard him, but he still felt saver being quiet about it. He did not want the universe to pick up on this and ruin everything.

He leaned back and focused on the moisturising and less on his slightly flushed face.

While patting the cream into his skin, Donghae slowly started thinking that one realisation did not have to alter the entire course of his life. He has always loved Hyukjae. Realising that now did not mean anything had to change.

It was not like Donghae suddenly wanted to kiss Hyukjae…

“There’s a thought.” Donghae glanced briefly at his reflection, flushed, and quickly turned around again.

Right now, stuck in his own mind with too many thoughts whirling around, it did feel like he might maybe enjoy kissing Hyukjae.

Maybe, he had it all wrong though. It could very well be platonic love he was experiencing. Just because he had realised that what he was feeling for Hyukjae was love did not necessarily mean that he wanted to be with him, kiss him, take him out on dates, spend all possible moments with him.

Donghae’s face was progressively heating up. This would not do. He slapped the last bit of moisturiser onto his face and left the bathroom.

In order to survive until the evening when he would see his friends again, he really needed to focus on something else now. This would additionally be great practice for actually living alone. He needed to know how to spend time on his own.

For the rest of the afternoon, Donghae focused on his studies. When not even intricate beat patterns managed to channel all of his attention, he went out and bought some groceries. For himself mainly, but also as a house-warming gift for Hyukjae. He did blush buying something especially for Hyukjae, but he quickly told himself off for that. He would have done this regardless of feelings, so he did not have to add some sort of obscure deeper meaning to his action.

Back at home, Donghae finished one rather pressing task and then allowed himself a break in which he watched some episodes of a series he had started some time ago. He still wasn’t sure what it was about or who the characters really were, but it was a nice way of shutting out all the thoughts in his mind.

Rather sooner than later, Donghae’s phone buzzed, announcing a message from Heechul.

_Heechul: I’ll be there in ten minutes._

Donghae was not always fond of spontaneous messages that left him little to no time to prepare himself, but today, at least, he also couldn’t lose his mind over worrying too much.

True to his word, Heechul rang Donghae’s doorbell about ten minutes later, which was enough time for him to get dressed and grab the things he had bought for Hyukjae.

“You look nice.” Heechul said and stepped past Donghae into his apartment.

“Thank you. Is that a surprise?” Donghae asked, closing the door behind Heechul.

“Not exactly.” Heechul shrugged. “It looks like you made an effort though which goes against your I’m-naturally-beautiful-agenda.”

“I have no such agenda.” Donghae crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Maybe you should.” Heechul tapped his nose.

“Are we ready?” Donghae asked.

“That’s what I am asking you.”

“You didn’t ask me…”

“I meant to.” Heechul said, tapping his nose again.

“I’m ready if you are.”

“Perfect. Just to make sure: We are both calm and collected, aren’t we?” Heechul looked at him imploringly. Donghae was immediately reminded of the conversation they had had on the phone earlier.

“Yes.” He answered quickly, mainly to not give himself too much room to think.

“Perfect. We’ll meet Teuk at Hyuk’s place.”

“Good.”

Donghae ushered Heechul out of the door and let it fall shut behind them. He was not quite as calm as he had said he was, but he did also think that everything about this situation was good. He was going to see Teuk and Hyukjae again (after not seeing them for only a few hours) and they would have a pleasant evening together.

Donghae could also check and see that he really only platonically loved Hyukjae. He had probably run away with his thoughts a little earlier.

They arrived at Hyukjae’s apartment complex which really wasn’t all that far away, which was a great relief. Donghae did not like being alone, so he was happy to have Hyukjae quite close by. He would have been just as happy if Heechul or Teuk had lived that close.

Donghae could not completely agree with that statement, which was why he quickly pushed all thoughts aside.

“It’s your favourite people in the world.” Heechul said for Hyukjae to buzz them in.

“I doubt it.” Hyukjae answered but opened the door anyways.

He stood in his door with crossed arms when Donghae and Heechul had climbed all the stairs.

“Oh, I was so mistaken. It is my favourite people in the world.” Hyukjae’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, and yet, Donghae could not help feeling very happy to hear those words out of Hyukjae’s mouth.

“Told you.” Heechul pulled Hyukjae into a hug. Very suddenly, Donghae’s stomach pulled together. He had felt this sensation before, but usually it was not this strong whenever Heechul was involved.

“Come on in, anyways.” Hyukjae smiled and pushed Heechul off.

“Anyways?” Donghae asked and thanks to a very sudden burst of confidence hugged Hyukjae too.

Hyukjae laughed against his chest which felt a little too nice and comfortable. Donghae let go immediately and kicked off his shoes, which was a genius way of not having to look at Hyukjae’s face.

“When’s Teuk coming?” Heechul shouted from the other end of the apartment. Hyukjae’s place was evidently significantly bigger than Donghae’s.

“Soon.” Hyukjae shrugged and pulled the door shut.

Teuk did in fact come very soon. They had only just settled on the couch when the doorbell rang again.

Hyukjae groaned.

“You would not have to get up if you gave us the code.” Heechul winked.

“Yeah, right.” Hyukjae got up and opened the door.

When he came back with Teuk, he dropped down right next to Donghae which made it difficult for him to be sympathetic that he had to get up in the first place.

“Let’s get this party started, I say.” Teuk said and sat down with a big yawn.

“Are you sure? I mean, you are getting older.” Heechul patted Teuk’s arm.

“I am exactly nine days older than you.” Teuk glared at Heechul. “I will always be ready to party.” He said and yawned again.

“We don’t need to party. We can just eat and drink.”

“What else would a party be?” Teuk frowned.

“There is usually dancing.” Hyukjae said.

“Dance for us then!” Heechul said and leaned back.

Hyukjae squirmed a little but then admitted he had a song he had liked dancing to. For about one verse, Donghae managed to sit patiently and just watch him, but then, he got up and copied some of the moves Hyukjae made. It was way easier like this not to stare too much and get lost in his thoughts.

“Very nice.” Teuk said and clapped politely. Heechul shoved him off the couch and they both started clapping properly.

“It’s always a tiny little bit very demotivating to see the two of you dance together. I can dance but I can’t just create chemistry like that.” Heechul sighed.

Donghae pretended he didn’t blush and sat down on the couch.

“Nope, what we have is special.” Hyukjae said and dropped down next to Donghae, squeezing his knee. Donghae’s face couldn’t blush any further, which was a rather pathetic attempt at making himself feel better. He was very stiff and did not move until Hyukjae stood up again to prepare some dinner, so put instant rice in the microwave and bring the side dishes Donghae brought and Hyukjae’s mother had made.

“She misses you guys.” Hyukjae announced.

“Does she?” Heechul raised his eyebrows.

“Well, mainly Hae, but she did tell me to greet you too.” Hyukjae laughed. Donghae felt warm. It was a very nice thought that Hyukjae’s mother liked him. It would not help him, but it was nice.

Help him? What should that help him with?

“Are you alright? Is the kimchi off?” Hyukjae leaned closer and stole the kimchi Donghae was holding with his chopsticks.

“No, it’s alright.” Hyukjae nudged him. “You’re not really that tired, are you?”

“No.” Donghae managed to smile and quickly stuffed the rest of kimchi from his bowl into his mouth.

Deep breaths! He told himself. He had something to prove to himself, which was that he only loved Hyukjae platonically, and this was not going to make him achieve that goal any sooner.

After dinner, Hyukjae brought soju and glasses. He opened the bottle ceremoniously and poured everyone a glass.

“To the new freedom!” Hyukjae said and raised his glass.

“Cheers!” the other three copied.

Hyukjae was smiling brightly. Of course, Donghae loved seeing his smiling face, but in this moment, it did feel like a slight punch in the gut. All Donghae had been able to do was mop around in his new apartment because he was lonely. Hyukjae, on the other hand, seemed more than happy to be on his own.

The first realisation Donghae could not refute in any way was that he did not like Hyukjae being happy at the prospect of seeing less of him.

“Cheer up, Donghae.” Hyukjae giggled. “Are you stressed because of university?” he asked a little less giggly.

“Mh.” Donghae answered. He could clearly not tell the truth. It was not necessarily not true that he was stressed about university. He did not exactly lie to Hyukjae.

“Let’s make you forget all about that. Drink up.” Hyukjae smiled and gently held Donghae’s hand underneath the glass.

After this, with an increasing level of alcohol in his blood and a pleasant, sated feeling, Donghae started feeling better. He reconciled himself a little with the fact that Hyukjae did like having them around. He did not hate them. He liked them. They were friends. Best friends.

In order not to let any of his thoughts spill out, Donghae stopped drinking quite early on. He poured water into his shot glass, and for every alternating shot, he poured water for Hyukjae too.

Donghae had not exactly met many kinds of drunk people, but there was no question that Hyukjae was a touchy drunk. He leaned against Donghae curled up around him, only to push himself off with his hands in Donghae’s stomach to go and get some snacks.

Even if Donghae did not absolutely love him, he could not help but forgive him. His smiles were too cute not to.

“Come on, give me your code. It is not safe for only you to know it.” Teuk whined at some point, in between crackers.

“It is very safe, actually.” Hyukjae answered.

“Just us. Tell just us!” Teuk pleaded. Donghae did want to know too, for obvious reasons, but he would not join in with the pleading.

“We are great at keeping secrets!” Heechul joined in. That was not even a lie actually.

Hyukjae seemed to think so too, because he scrunched up his face before leaning closer to Heechul and Teuk, so to say, he leaned over Donghae.

“It’s a birthday.” Hyukjae whispered.

“0-4-0-4? Are you stupid? That’s too easy!” Teuk screamed.

“I never said it was my birthday!” Hyukjae giggled and did not say anything else on the matter, regardless of Teuk’s constant whining and pleading.

After the discussion about the door code, Heechul and Teuk discussed their different workplaces and Hyukjae spoke about his dancing. Donghae mostly listened. He was happy to just listen quite a few times. Sometimes, he really wanted to talk and make others laugh too, but now, he was happy to listen.

At some point, the conversation suddenly shifted, and they were talking about friendship trends. Donghae was not completely sure just what they were talking about. He only knew that suddenly, Hyukjae grabbed his leg and tried to take out his phone.

“What?” Donghae asked, sitting up abruptly.

“Give me your phone.” Hyukjae pouted and held out his hand. And, well, Donghae wasn’t a monster, was he?

He got out his phone and handed it to Hyukjae who grinned brightly.

“Hyuk?!” Hyukjae exclaimed a short while later.

“Yes?”

“That’s how you saved me?”

“That’s your name.” Donghae answered. The drunker Hyukjae, Heechul, and Teuk seemed, the more sober he felt.

“Yes, but it’s so _unimaginative_.” Hyukjae whined.

“What else should I have?” Donghae was both genuinely confused and amused.

“Something fun, like Mine, for example.” Hyukjae giggled and dropped Donghae’s phone to take a handful of crackers and switch the topic completely.

Once Donghae’s heart had calmed down a tiny bit, he edited Hyukjae’s contact. Hyukjae had effectively asked him to do so. This was fine.

The so-called party calmed down with every passing minute. Heechul was effectively dozing on the couch when Teuk made an attempt at getting up. He wobbled and fell down next to Heechul. His eyes were a little too bright for Donghae to believe he was actually that drunk, but he was not going to be the one to point that out.

“Hyuk, have some mercy. Let us sleep over.” Teuk whined in his best attempt to be pitiful.

“No way. This is my first night here. I am not going to share my bed!” Hyukjae had his eyes closed and was leaning against both sofa and Donghae. There was no bite in his words, he was mainly tired, and drunk of course.

“Not in your bed.” Teuk said quickly. “Let us camp out here.”

“Can’t say anything against that, I guess.” Hyukjae stretched and then pushed himself off the sofa. Donghae quickly sat up so that he could not even begin to feel the lack of warmth against his side.

“You can stay here.” Hyukjae yawned. “It’ll be good to have you help me tidy tomorrow. I’m off.”

“You’re the best!” Teuk showed thumbs-up and then slumped down next to Heechul.

“Do you have blankets?” Donghae asked before Hyukjae could disappear into his bedroom.

“Over there.” Hyukjae pointed to pile behind a chest of drawers. He waved with a tired smile and slowly staggered off.

Donghae went to grab the two blankets he could find. He put the smaller one over Heechul and wanted to share the bigger blanket with Heechul.

For about forty minutes, this worked really well. Then, Teuk suddenly turned around, tucked the blanket underneath his body and there was no way for Donghae to extract it without throwing him off the couch.

For a moment, Donghae did think whether he could just push Teuk off, but he was not naturally a mean person. Also, Teuk and Heechul had had a full day of work and still decided to meet up with them. They deserved rest.

Donghae curled up on the sofa and tried to generate some body warmth with that. That only worked to some extent. Some ten minutes later, Donghae was mainly a shivering mess, which was not an ideal state to fall asleep in.

He tried his best to fall asleep anyways but eventually had to give up.

Very carefully, Donghae stood up and made his way to Hyukjae’s bedroom. He pushed the door open and peered inside. Hyukjae was lying on his big bed, facing the wall.

Donghae took a calming breath and carefully walked over to him. He climbed into the bed and slipped underneath the covers. He stopped shivering quickly and his tiredness came back.

It must have been absolute tiredness in any case that made him reach out to Hyukjae to wrap his arms around him.

“Mh?” Hyukjae asked and tilted his head a little.

“It’s me, Hae.” Donghae said, nerves alert again.

“Ah.”

“It’s very cold in the living room…” Donghae struggled to explain himself. “I know you said you didn’t want to share…”

“You don’t count.” Hyukjae mumbled and dropped his head again, continuing to sleep.

Donghae felt the warmth now also settling deep within him. He pressed himself a tiny little bit closer to Hyukjae and decided to enjoy the night and have his future-self deal with this.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're having a good day! :) Enjoy the chapter! Take care and stay safe. xx

_Chapter 2_

Donghae woke up the next morning while Hyukjae was still asleep. Donghae still had his arms around Hyukjae which was why he could tell that Hyukjae was actually still sleeping.

Hyukjae was undeniably the best person out there, but that did not automatically make him the best actor. He was a pretty poor one, actually. Especially, when it came to pretending to be asleep. Something about his fast breathing and tense body immediately told Donghae that he was only faking to be asleep.

Donghae knew all of this because way before he had noticed that what he felt for Hyukjae was love, he had been most comfortable and most easily calmed when wrapped around Hyukjae’s body.

Seeing that it had not yet even been a day that Donghae discovered his feelings as it were, it was no wonder he would have a series of things he had always done, that only very slowly started to make sense.

Hyukjae was still not stirring, so Donghae was at liberty to think. In other words, he was defenceless against the thoughts spilling in his mind.

Was it even okay for him to hug Hyukjae when he had discovered his feelings? Then again, he did say that it was platonic love, potentially.

Donghae supressed a sigh and lay his head against Hyukjae’s shoulder. He was in no way or form an expert on any matters of the heart, but this surely did not feel like a particularly platonic sort of love.

Donghae wanted to be there for Hyukjae. He wanted to be as important to him as he was for Donghae.

Before Donghae’s thoughts could have spiralled even more, he heard noises from the living room and shortly after, Hyukjae started stirring.

Donghae pressed his eyes shut and prayed that he was at least a slightly better actor than Hyukjae.

Hyukjae groaned. “Why are they being so loud?” he asked.

Donghae felt him turning around in his embrace and was physically unable to keep his eyes closed.

“Oh, sorry. Did I wake you?” Hyukjae asked. He was really rather close. Donghae was able to see the faint beauty spot Hyukjae usually covered up. He would really like to kiss that spot one day.

  
Donghae jumped a little which made Hyukjae frown in concern.

“Mh.” Noncommittal sounds were made for moments like this.

“It sounds like Heechul and Teuk are spontaneously renovating the living room. We should better check on them.” Hyukjae spoke softly, which did not help Donghae to focus on something other than wanting to hold on to Hyukjae for all eternity.

“Probably.” Donghae said eventually.

“Aren’t they the older ones?” Donghae asked when they had climbed out of the bed.

“Allegedly.” Hyukjae grinned and stretched. Donghae had of course seen Hyukjae in various states of undress, but right after having had some rather momentous realisation, he did not trust himself. Donghae quickly turned around and opened the door.

“What on earth are you doing?” Hyukjae called when he joined Donghae in the living room. Heechul and Teuk were actually lifting up the couch.

“Looking for Donghae.” Heechul replied cheerfully.

“Underneath the couch?”

“We couldn’t find him anywhere.” Teuk grinned.

Hyukjae put his hands in his sides and looked at them disapprovingly.

“Fine, you caught us.” Heechul was still grinning widely. “We were making as much noise as possible so that you would come out. We did not want to knock and risk you being indecent.”

Donghae was sure that his ears were flaring up but nobody paid much attention to him as Hyukjae was currently busy chasing Heechul around the living room while Teuk was rolling around on the floor.

The chase ended as it usually did. Heechul started laughing too much which brought Hyukjae closer to him, but before he could catch Heechul, Heechul whined out loud and asked Donghae to stop Hyukjae.

Of course, Donghae was not obliged to do any of that, but it was a well-established routine for them now. It would have been weirder for Donghae not to catch Hyukjae than it was to stretch out his arms, lightly touch Hyukjae’s shoulder who then slowed down and allowed Donghae to pull him back.

If it was a chase with less laughing, Teuk had the important role of commenting the chase as if it was an Olympic discipline and like that, everyone had a task they had to do.

“I hereby expel you from my humble dwellings.” Hyukjae said, still caught in Donghae’s arms.

“Are you sure about that?” Donghae laughed.

“Let me go. I need to get to the studio.” Hyukjae whined a little.

Teuk shuddered and stood up. “Let him go, Hae. I cannot stand Hyuk’s aegyo on an empty stomach.”

Donghae slowly let go off Hyukjae. He really had to take care not to show how reluctantly he did so.

“Hurry, everyone. I need to be there quite soon. I suppose you don’t want to stay here on your own.” Hyukjae had returned to his room and was now shouting through the open door.

“We are always quick.” Donghae called back. He would have of course wanted to stay at Hyukjae’s place, but he was for once willing to admit that that was not the most normal thing to want. He was not going to contradict Hyukjae in any case.

“Are you sure you forgot nothing?” Hyukjae eyed every one of them when they were standing at the door, getting into their shoes.

“Yes.” Heechul answered.

“It’s also not like we’re not ever going to see each other again.” Teuk rolled his eyes. “How about we meet at Hae’s again next week?”

“Sounds good.” Heechul pulled his jacket closer around him.

“I’m in.” Hyukjae smiled.

“Oh, you’re also invited, Hae.” Teuk laughed, dimples showing and hooked his arm under Donghae’s pulling him out of Hyukjae’s place.

“What are you going to do today?” Teuk asked Donghae while they were waiting for the lift.

“Study?” Donghae asked.

“You have to be more enthusiastic! You have to be more like me when I was still studying.” Heechul tutted.

“You only ever did the bare minimum.” Hyukjae shoved Heechul gently.

“And then enthusiastically spend my free time. All I care about is his enthusiasm.”

Hyukjae shoved Heechul again, a little less gently. Donghae laughed and looked at his friends, and Hyukjae in particular. He had certainly learned a little that evening and morning.

First thing was that he was quite probably not just platonically in love with Hyukjae. And the second thing was that with the way Hyukjae behaved, there was absolutely no wonder that Donghae was in love with him.

Hyukjae understood him best out of everyone. He was caring. Sweet. And undeniably gorgeous. How on earth was Donghae not meant to fall for someone that had fascinated him right from the first meeting onward? Impossible.

“Are you alright? Are the studies too much? Just do a little today and focus on other things. It can be overwhelming sometimes.” Hyukjae’s eyes scanned Donghae’s face.

It was absolutely iconic how he would be worried, concerned, and helpful at the same time about potential troubles Donghae had when all he had been doing was thinking about how much he loved Hyukjae.

When Donghae arrived home, he slumped against the door an sat there for a while.

He had certainly found answers to some of his questions, but he was not sure he wanted them, now that he had them. Donghae was in love with Hyukjae. He was fully in love with him. He was not just a little smitten, he was fully gone.

Donghae groaned which was fully contradictory to the warmth he felt in his chest thinking about Hyukjae.

Thinking about Hyukjae made Donghae happy. It always made him feel warm. But in combination with the realisation that there was nothing tremendous to come out of this situation, he could not be entirely delighted.

Maybe, the next step Donghae had to make was to decide what he wanted to happen now that he has had the realisation. Did he even want anything to happen at all?

Of course, ideally, Hyukjae should fall in love with Donghae. But even just thinking that made it quite apparent to Donghae that this was more than just wishful thinking. It was unreasonable dreaming.

He was usually a more or less level-headed person. He could not suddenly forget all about his principles and just start wishing that Hyukjae would fall in love with him.

Hyukjae could date anyone he wanted. He had not really dated anyone for as long as Donghae had known him but that was due to time restraints and not lack of interest from other parties.

No, with the sort of people interested in Hyukjae, it was evident that Donghae would never even as much as stand a chance. He could and would always be Hyukjae’s friend, but aiming for boyfriend was setting out to fail, one of Donghae’s least favourite methods of approaching anything.

Donghae took a deep breath and got up from the floor. He should not have started with his biggest wish of all, he should have started a bit lower and therefore feel like he could actually achieve his dream.

What he wanted as a minimum was for Hyukjae to be happy. To express it a little more selfishly, Donghae wanted to see Hyukjae smile as much as possible. He wanted to see him happy for Hyukjae’s sake, but he also wanted to enjoy the sight.

Hyukjae was gorgeous at any given moment, but he was glowing whenever he was happy. If Donghae had to name one goal in life it was to make Hyukjae happy. He would not be the one to make him happy as a partner, but he could still aim to make him as happy as he could through being the best friend possible.

It was absolutely no question for Donghae that being the best friend possible to Hyukjae meant not acting on his realisation. He would not soil their friendship with confessing to Hyukjae. He would not make Hyukjae pity him, or even worse be awkward around him.

Donghae had lived very well with his ignorance, so there was no question that he could also keep Hyukjae ignorant of whatever was going on inside of Donghae’s mind.

The again, they could easily read each other’s faces, expressions, and feelings just by looking at each other. Donghae would have to hope that this area remained nebulous to Hyukjae even if it had cleared up for Donghae himself.

It had taken Donghae way longer to reach his desk than it should have. Especially considering that his place was easily crossed multiple times within thirty seconds.

He had reached the desk now, though, so he could get started on his tasks for the day, prepare himself for courses in the evening and only think about Hyukjae when he really absolutely couldn’t help himself.

Not thinking about Hyukjae was the most difficult task. Donghae did try to focus purely on the music he was supposed to analyse, but if he could easily remember Hyukjae practicing his popping dance while Donghae listened to Beethoven, it was difficult to keep his mind Hyukjae-free.

It should have theoretically been possible to not think at him for once due to this being his classics module, but Hyukjae had infiltrated all areas of his life and that was meant in the best but also most distracting way possible.

Later that day, when Donghae returned from his course, he bought some fresh ingredients to jazz up his ramen.

He put in the code for his door and sighed when he stepped inside. Hyukjae had been in his own place for only barely longer than Donghae had been in his, and yet, his looked a lot more like a home.

Hyukjae was better at this sort of thing. And, to be quite frank, Donghae did not really care for this place. He was thankful to have a place to live in, but he was not going to call this place his home, probably.

He would not mind calling Hyukjae’s place his home…

Donghae kicked his shoes off and walked briskly into the kitchen part of his place. There was absolutely no question about him ever calling Hyukjae’s place his home. He needed to stop these sorts of thoughts immediately and never return to them ever again.

After the dinner at which Donghae decidedly did not continue wondering how Hyukjae was spending his evening, Donghae got back to working. This time, the task was a little more difficult and actually needed his full attention which for once pushed Hyukjae a little out of his mind.

When he was done with his work for the day, Donghae washed up, got changed, and went to sleep. When he had still been living at the Lee Mansion, they would have gathered in the living space or one of their rooms to either talk, snack, watch something, or just scroll through their phones in the presence of someone else.

Nothing of that would be possible now though. Donghae would have to find new ways to spend his free time. He could not rely on Teuk, Heechul, or Hyukjae for that.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The concept pictures are killing me... :O I hope this chapter can help calm us all down. :) Enjoy! Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 3 _

Donghae would not exactly call himself lonely. Lonely was too closely connotated with missing someone. And missing someone was a little too close to owning up to liking them.

So, in order not to let Hyukjae know how much Donghae loved him, he could not possibly tell him, or anyone else for that matter, that he was lonely. Easy as that.

Of course, Donghae noticed very much that he was _alone_. He had his meals alone and came back to an empty place when his classes were over. He had only very rarely met up with anyone. Well, once in the last three days for a partner presentation they needed to hand in that same day.

Apart from that, Donghae had seen his classmates and professors and the ladies and gentlemen in the supermarkets, but he had not seen his friends.

What made Donghae’s acute alone-ness even more evident was that he had not even heard much of his friends. The group chat had been very quiet. For their standards at least. Teuk must have been very busy, because even he had been down to a maximum of ten messages a day, and none of them had been longer than five lines.

Heechul had replied, asked questions, and demanded proof of nutrition from both Donghae and Hyukjae, but that had nearly been everything.

That enumeration was of course neglecting the time when Donghae had received a text from Hyukjae. He had thrown his phone onto his bed, only to run after it in the same moment.

Hyukjae had sent him a picture of a tree he thought would make Donghae laugh. The tree did make him laugh, but then, due to stress, an overwhelming amount of love he felt for Hyukjae, and an acute sense of alone-ness also made him cry for a short while.

A relatively short while. He cried less long than he worked, so it was relatively short, anyone would agree.

Crying over a picture of a tree his best friend sent him was not exactly normal. Donghae was able to tell even while he was still crying.

He sniffled a few times and then tried his best to pull himself together. This could not go on. He would have to get to grips with the situation and finally move on.

Well, moving on would be impossible. Also, Donghae first had to start moving in the first place. He would have to stop being immobile and petrified by the realisation and start moving. Obviously in a direction that would make it possible for him to interact with Hyukjae on a best friends sort of level. A level that did not tell anyone anything about the feelings he was harbouring.

The first step of this plan was to waste the entire rest of the evening watching films. With neglecting urgent work, Donghae was positive that he would be way too stressed the next day to lose his mind over spending time with Hyukjae.

On Saturday, they were going to go on a weekly stroll they had routinely gone on to ensure at least some time outside on the weekend. Donghae would not see Hyukjae for terribly long, but even then, he could better fret about his tasks than try and hide his feelings. He would not be ready to pull all acting-stops by tomorrow.

This plan was obviously not great. It had way more downsides than it had plus sides. Actually, the only positive thing about it at all was that Donghae felt optimistic about the next day. He knew even then that he was fooling himself, but it felt good to have a plan.

What he should have expected but didn’t in his optimism was that he was only doubling the stress level for himself. Some plan could have enabled him to be carefree for the duration of his stroll with Hyukjae, but obviously, Donghae had chosen the one that made him double-anxious.

The next morning, Donghae decided to stop beating himself up about this disastrous plan after about an hour of tossing around in bed. This too, only added anxiety-points to his stress-o-metre.

Donghae quickly made himself breakfast and then got dressed.

For a moment, he wanted to worry about what to put on, but then, he decided to not be an idiot. Hyukjae was not exactly the sort of person to notice what he was wearing anyways.

Whenever Heechul teased him about a top he had chosen, Hyukjae would defend him, but he never really said anything first. He was not indifferent to clothes usually, but he didn’t care too much about what Donghae was wearing, which was fine, obviously.

When he was finally dressed, Donghae brushed his teeth. He avoided eye contact with himself, noticed that he was being stupid and quickly left the bathroom.

He was slowly starting to get jittery with nerves, but that was even more ridiculous. He had gone on these strolls for the past year and had never felt nervous. He had only ever looked forward to them.

After pulling on his jacket, Donghae left his small apartment and took a deep breath as soon as he reached the fresh air. It was only ever moderately fresh, but it was less restraining to be outside which added a great deal to his comfort.

It was ridiculous really, how Donghae preferred staying at home but felt liberated as he now stepped outside. Not more ridiculous than everything else, though. It just showed that he was not really at home in the small space.

Donghae made his way to Hyukjae’s place. He was breathing deeply and feigning confidence like that. If he could succeed in seeming confident, he was already content.

When he reached the apartment complex, Donghae texted Hyukjae. He mainly did not want to tempt himself for overstaying his welcome or forcing himself on Hyukjae.

Well, no. That was not true. Donghae was positive that Hyukjae did not mind his presence really. It was for his own conflicted feelings and a fear of being discovered that he did not want to go up.

A few moments later, Donghae’s phone announced a reply from Hyukjae. He quickly clicked on it. He froze a little when he read the text.

_Mine: You are outside now? Here? Why?_

The laughing emojis Hyukjae had put only marginally made Donghae feel better. Hyukjae had forgotten about their ritual? They had only once not kept to it, on a Saturday that was, because Hyukjae had gone home to help take care of his sick father. All other weeks, they had somehow always found a way.

And now, to make the move and clean cut perfect, Hyukjae forgot about the ritual.

_Mine: It’s Saturday!_

Hyukjae’s reply came before Donghae could spiral any further.

_Mine: I am coming right down. Don’t go anywhere. I mean it, Hae. Go and you will suffer the consequences._

Donghae was smiling. Obviously. Hyukjae did not have to be that adorable. He felt bad, as it seemed. He had not meant to forget.

True to his word, Hyukjae soon appeared in the revolving doors. He looked around frantically. When he spotted Donghae, he calmed down a little, but sped up his walk to join him.

“I am so sorry.” Hyukjae’s eyes were big and round, full of honest remorse. Really, if he could have been in some way less perfect, Donghae might not be having such a terribly difficult time.

“Ah, you don’t have to be.” Donghae said. He was contradicting his dramatic thoughts from just a short while ago, but he now needed to stay as sane as possible and causing Hyukjae to pout even more would not do the trick.

His plan might have been good, but the execution certainly wasn’t. Because, for no apparent reason, Hyukjae suddenly started pouting.

“I should be sorry, and you should be angry.” Hyukjae whined a little. “This is important to you.”

“Mh?”

“And to me.”

Donghae had tried to buy himself time with the non-committal answer, not make things even worse for himself. He really should stop hoping his mediocre plans will bear fruit.

“I promise I will do better in the future.” Hyukjae said seriously.

“This is the first time this has happened. Don’t worry too much. A lot has been going on.” Donghae smiled.

“But that’s just the thing! I haven’t been busy at all!” Hyukjae whined.

Donghae felt his jaw tense a little. Hyukjae had not been busy ‘at all’, but he had still been too busy to even consider spending time with Donghae.

“You’re here now, that’s what matters.” The smile had miraculously stayed on Donghae’s face. Donghae knew this because his muscles now started hurting.

“You are way too kind, Hae.” Hyukjae sighed and then threw his arm around Donghae’s shoulders. “Let me buy you a coffee at least.”

“I can hardly say no to that.” Donghae answered. Hyukjae was occupied laughing and focusing the conversation onto different topics that Donghae had some time to try and compose himself.

Hyukjae had thrown his arm around him before, but Donghae had never really noticed that went through him because of that.

Donghae really needed to compose himself quickly. As soon as they reached the café, Hyukjae would look at him again and then, Donghae could not show his emotions openly.

He needed to do this right. He did not want to lose Hyukjae, after all.

They arrived at the café. Donghae wanted to get in line with Hyukjae, but Hyukjae put a hand on the small of Donghae’s back and gently pushed him towards the tables.

“I know what you want. Go, grab a table.” Hyukjae smiled.

Donghae returned the smile. It has always been second nature to do so. The squirming sensation in his stomach might not always have been there, but this was nothing Donghae could not deal with.

Donghae sat down, facing into the café. He probably would have chosen wiser to pick the place looking out of the window, also in order to be able to stare past Hyukjae’s face when he sat down too, but that was not worth the jump he would make when Hyukjae arrived at the table without being able to see him approach.

Donghae looked at Hyukjae’s back. Usually, he did not think that people were attractive while looking at their backs. Hyukjae was either an exception, or Donghae simply knew him well enough to know what the back looked like from the front, or something.

Hyukjae was well built. He was also toned and sporty due to all the dancing he did. If any body deserved appreciation objectively, it was surely Hyukjae’s.

Donghae kept fit with his occasional dancing and adequately disciplined working out, but he did not look like Hyukjae. His stomach probably also did not feel like Hyukjae’s either.

Yeah, those sorts of thoughts were precisely what Donghae was not supposed to be having. He suddenly felt warm imagining what it would feel like to touch Hyukjae. What it would feel like to gently trace the lines of his muscles.

Donghae felt hot. It was bordering on uncomfortable really. Hyukjae was going to be with him any moment now. He could not have those thoughts. He should not have them ever, but he really could not have them right now.

Donghae tried thinking of something altogether different and ended with the tasks he had yet to do. Instead of the two anxieties cancelling each other, they seemed to multiply.

Donghae had not even finished his tasks and was rewarding himself with spending time with Hyukjae. However, he could not even do that right – failing yet another task.

Donghae’s hands felt clammy as he kneaded them, trying to stay in the moment. Rationally, he knew that it was no use to lose his mind now. He should make most of this situation. Most important of all, he could not ruin it now. He needed to make this worthwhile.

“Hae? Are you alright?” Hyukjae had approached the table without Donghae noticing. He only jumped a little bit but already felt terrible for that.

Donghae attempted a smile, but Hyukjae’s brows furrowed. Great. Now, he also made Hyukjae worry.

“You are not.” Hyukjae decided for himself. He sat down the tray and flopped down next to Donghae instead of opposite him. He pressed his shoulder into Donghae’s and exhaled slowly.

“I was serious, by the way. Give me the names of your professors and I will challenge them to a duel because they are working you too hard.” Hyukjae whispered.

“A duel?” Donghae felt a little lighter when he had to smile.

“Yes.”

“What sort of duel? A dance duel?”

“Close combat.” Hyukjae said drily.

At the same time, they started laughing. Donghae felt carefree listening to Hyukjae’s laugh. He felt even better when he glanced over at him and saw the happy face.

There were less happy thoughts in the back of Donghae’s mind, mainly focusing on how he did not deserve any of this, but Donghae bravely decided not to focus on them.

While they were having their coffee and cakes, they talked about everything and nothing. The conversation did not make much sense, following up on the hilarious theory that Hyukjae would ever end up doing close combat.

“I swear I could!” Hyukjae kept protesting even as they left the café.

“You are too kind for that.”

“You think I am weak, don’t you?” Hyukjae mustered him.

“Mh.” Donghae said which meant as much as: Absolutely not.

“I could!”

“Why would you though?” Donghae asked, feeling like he was directing the conversation to a safer territory.

“To protect you, for example.” Hyukjae smiled at him. “I certainly could do it if I had to protect you.”

“So you think I am weak?” Donghae asked feebly.

“No, just too kind.”

“So, naïve?” Donghae tried to hold onto his sanity here!

“No. Too friendly and unsuspecting. You cannot be mean to anyone and if things go out of control, all you do is cry.” Hyukjae’s tone was light. He was not even teasing Donghae. He was merely stating facts. “I could and I would protect you.” Hyukjae said happily and pulled Donghae after him to run over a street before the cars started driving again.

Hyukjae did not let go off Donghae’s sleeve until they had reached a small park. He walked less quickly too and simply pointed out nice trees they were walking past.

Donghae obviously noticed that Hyukjae was still trying to distract him. It did not _not_ work, thankfully. Donghae allowed himself to be distracted without allowing himself to go down the I-don’t-deserve-this-spiral.

When they had rounded the park twice, Hyukjae somewhat awkwardly scratched his head.

“Are you okay?” Donghae asked with what he hoped was an encouraging smile.

“Yes. It’s just that I do need to get going with the work I neglected during the week.” He grimaced.

“Oh yes. Same.” Donghae looked down at his feet.

“Listen.” Hyukjae said and poked Donghae’s cheek. Donghae looked up again.

“How about you come around tomorrow so that we can study a little together. You always like having someone around, don’t you?” Hyukjae smiled.

Donghae pinched his arm secretly and realised that contrary to his expectations, he had not actually melted into a puddle.

“That would be nice.”

“Great. Don’t let them get to you too much. You are a brilliant student. You shouldn’t have to stress so much. And before you say that’s in your nature: You should not suffer so much! I will buy snacks and make sure you eat tomorrow.” Hyukjae glared at him a little with a dissatisfied frown.

“Can I cook us dinner then?” Donghae asked carefully, not sure how long that invitation was meant to last.

“That would be lovely!” Hyukjae’s frown was immediately replaced with a bright smile. “I haven’t eaten proper food in days!”

“You haven’t?” Donghae raised his eyebrows.

“Nope.” Hyukjae crossed his arms in front of his chest and shook his head. “I worry about you here. You don’t get to worry about me.” Hyukjae laughed and put his arm around Donghae’s shoulder again.

He left it there until their ways parted. He repeated the invitation while staring straight into Donghae’s eyes. But not even then did Donghae crumble, or melt, or whatever.

Now that he had survived this and actually made the most of the meeting with Hyukjae – with Hyukjae’s help – he could do well with his tasks.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the concept photo set is complete... :O I hope you enjoy this story even just a fraction as much! :) Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 4  _

Working on Saturday worked better than Donghae had feared. It did not work exceptionally well, but it was a decent effort, at least.

Donghae was distracted by the prospect of seeing Hyukjae on Sunday, of course, but other than that, he would nearly describe himself as productive.

The idea of spending time with Hyukjae on Sunday distracted him but it also had positive effects. Because Donghae would want to make most of his time with Hyukjae the next day, he could not go there with no task finished.

He needed to go there with a decent load done so that he could also focus on dinner and time with Hyukjae.

This might not have been what Hyukjae had signed up for, but it only seemed fair that Donghae should make most of this opportunity to make himself feel better.

All of this also included the possibility that Donghae would feel worse afterwards. In a way, the more perfect a time he had at Hyukjae’s place, the sadder he would be to have to return to his place.

And yet, that was a risk and a price he was willing to pay. Being a little more miserable afterwards was not enough to stop him from looking forward to his time with Hyukjae.

On their little stroll, Donghae had noticed once again, that as long as he was with Hyukjae and actually talking to him, he did not have too much trouble staying away from detrimental thoughts. What he could not do was let his mind run away whenever either of them was quiet, as he had done in the café, but other than that, he felt secure and just downright happy when he was with Hyukjae.

Donghae had not ever experienced what it was like to be in love. He had dreaded some sort of uncomfortable and awkward feeling that would take control of him whenever he was with Hyukjae. That had not happened, though. In Hyukjae’s presence, Donghae was as fine as he had ever been.

It was only on his own, that he distorted everything. That was difficult to bear on his own, but at least it did not put a toll on Hyukjae.

On Saturday, Donghae went to bed early and watched films until he dropped off to sleep. He did not sleep early, but he had been lying down for quite a while, which hopefully also meant something beneficial.

Probably not. But this was the only way in which Donghae could fall asleep without letting his mind turn to Hyukjae. He would have to work a lot more to make Sunday not awkward if he had dreams about Hyukjae the night before.

Nipping that possibility in the bud with action films seemed just about like the perfect decision.

When Donghae woke up on Sunday, it was later than he had expected. He was not late in any way, but some general sense of time-restraint settled over him.

Even if he had not wanted to do so in the first place, he now could not have a two-hour shower, go on a lengthy walk as well as buy ingredients and prepare to leave to go to Hyukjae. He would have to take a normal shower, prepare his things, tidy a little, and buy things on the way to Hyukjae.

He had prepared to do that anyways, but to be able to reasonably start putting that plan into action still felt reassuring.

After the shower, Donghae took his time with everything. Even if he was terribly eager to go to Hyukjae, it could very well be that Hyukjae had slept in too and needed to get ready himself.

Also, because he had been taught manners, he knew that for an afternoon study meet-up, arriving at lunch would not be polite or fair.

He would have to stall a little. In that time, it was sensible to get some more tricky tasks done so that he could do the mundane ones in Hyukjae’s presence.

Over the past week, Donghae had started adapting to working on his own. He still did not particularly like it, but it was no longer impossible.

The plan worked tremendously. Donghae was done with a particularly bothersome task and could slowly pack the things he wanted to take. Afterwards, he forced himself to watch one video, which made it past 2pm when he left his apartment.

Donghae tried very hard to be calm as he walked through the streets. To others, he hopefully seemed calm as well, but it was much more difficult to lie to himself.

With the ingredients for dinner bought, Donghae made his way to Hyukjae’s place. He walked through the revolving doors and took one of the three lifts onto Hyukjae’s level.

With one last reassuring breath, Donghae rang the doorbell and waited for an answer. Nothing.

He rang the doorbell again and waited patiently. Was Hyukjae still asleep?

Whatever it was, it was probably safest to send him a text. He would have to seem unassuming and just casually asking where he was. If Hyukjae answered something that made it clear that he had forgotten about Donghae coming over to study, Donghae could just retreat and pretend this never happened.

He would have to nurse a broken heart too, but as long as Hyukjae did not know about that, he would be fine.

Maybe, it would not have to come to that. Donghae would have to text him and wait for his answer to be sure. There was no other way.

_Hae: Where are you?_

He hoped that it was sufficiently casual.

Luckily, Donghae did not have to wait for long for Hyukjae’s answer.

He did in fact probably wait longer to read the message than he had waited for it to arrive. A lot was riding on this answer for Donghae. It was understandable that he was a bit nervous and apprehensive to open it.

_Mine: Are you already there? I’m buying snacks. Should have known you’d be there. I’ll be back soon!_

Donghae exhaled and slumped against the wall. Hyukjae had not forgotten about the studying. He was buying snacks for them. All was fine.

The first minute or so, Donghae leaned patiently against the wall. He was in no rush. He knew Hyukjae was coming, and yet, he was somehow restless. Just a little bit, but more than a simple shuffling around could cure.

Donghae’s gaze fell onto the keypad locking Hyukjae’s door.

Donghae bit his lip and stared at the lock. Hyukjae had said it was a birthday that locked his door, hadn’t he? Donghae could randomly try one and then forget about it.

For a few minutes, Donghae tried resisting the idea, always hoping that Hyukjae would arrive so that he did not have to resist temptation by himself.

Hyukjae did not arrive, though. Donghae carefully slid the cover up and stared at the numbers. He squeezed his eyes shut and typed in the first combination he randomly thought of. 1-5-1-0

The affirmation sound made Donghae jump. The pad was glowing in a green light. The door was unlocked.

With a fast beating heart, Donghae tried opening the door. Yes, it opened! Donghae glanced into the hallway and quickly pulled the door shut again.

Maybe this was a mistake. He had typed the numbers with his eyes closed. He did not know for a fact that he had consciously put the right numbers.

Just to be certain that it was no coincidence and to rid himself off any thoughts concerning Hyukjae’s door code, Donghae slid the cover up again and typed the numbers, now with his eyes open.

1-5-1-0 and again, the pad flashed green. The door was open. Donghae could push down the handle and enter, if he wanted to.

Donghae’s heart was beating quickly and he knew his ears were heating up.

He leaned back against the wall and just stared into space.

Hyukjae’s door code was Donghae’s birthday. First day, then month, because Hyukjae would assume nobody would guess that.

Hyukjae kept his door locked with Donghae’s birthday.

Did this mean anything at all? Donghae’s own door code was 0-4-9-2, because he had met Hyukjae on the fourth of September and they had lived in the Lee Mansion together since then (Lee being the Korean number 2, conveniently). His door code made sense and was easy to remember.

Hyukjae’s door code also made sense. Had Hyukjae chosen it deliberately or was it all a coincidence?

“There you are. Sorry to be late.” Hyukjae’s voice made Donghae jump.

“Not at all.” Donghae tried to smile.

“Let’s get you inside. Also, we’ll play before we study. I don’t like how stressed you look.”

Donghae accepted this easily. He could have hardly explained to Hyukjae why he was stressed, unsettled, and confused. Not now, not ever.

“If you don’t laugh, you will not get to cook.” Hyukjae stared at him.

“I’m fine.”

“We’ll see about that.” Hyukjae said cheerfully. He kicked his shoes off and made his way into the apartment. He filled the snacks into bowls and put them on his couch table.

“I will never understand why you don’t leave them in the bags.” Donghae said. Mainly to say something and not get stuck in his silent sphere.

“It looks nicer like this.”

“But you will have more things to wash up.” Donghae sat down on the sofa and helped himself to a nut.

“That’s the circle of life. Just because there is washing up doesn’t mean you don’t use crockery for take-out, does it?”

Donghae didn’t say anything.

“Does it?” Hyukjae was staring at him with wide eyes.

“You can’t expect me to use crockery for take-put when I drink straight from the blender.”

“You do what now?” Hyukjae groaned. “Use cups. I will do your washing.” Hyukjae’s head fell onto Donghae’s shoulder, which was only a sign of his dramatics, but it still made Donghae’s heart race.

Carefully, he reached out and patted Hyukjae’s soft hair. He loved Hyukjae’s hair. The way it looked, felt, and smelled. There was nothing that wasn’t perfect about Hyukjae, but the hair was especially lovely.

“You are a lost cause.” Hyukjae sighed and stayed leaned against Donghae for a few more moments.

“Not completely.” Donghae protested.

“Ah, it’s fine. You have me. You wouldn’t survive a day without me though, be honest.”

“I wouldn’t.” Donghae answered. Hyukjae laughed. Donghae had obviously been serious, but taking it lightly was probably what was best for both of them.

“Let’s play and then work a little.” Hyukjae said and sat up again. “Are you on an ‘I need distraction.’ or an ‘I need to work now, or the world will end.’ sort of stress level?”

“Distraction.” Donghae smiled.

“Perfect. I am good at that.” Hyukjae grinned and started the games console.

“You shouldn’t let stress get to you that much. You are clever and a hard worked. Also, you are talented, so have some faith and do your best. People like me also get by.” Hyukjae said, staring at the screen.

“People like you?”

“Yeah, I sort of wing it. I don’t really know much but am a decent dancer, I guess.”

“You are brilliant.” Donghae could stand a fair deal but not Hyukjae playing himself down. “You are talented and clever.”

“If this is supposed to distract me from winning, it’s not working.” Hyukjae laughed.

“I am serious.”

“Yeah, but you are my best friend, you are supposed to think that.” Hyukjae was still staring straight ahead with a smile fixed on his face. He did not look unhappy exactly, but Donghae was frustrated that he would not listen to him.

“I am always honest with my opinions.” Donghae said firmly.

“Yeah.”

“I am!”

“You have never once said my hair looked rubbish when Heechul does it all the time. I get it, you don’t want to hurt my feelings. It’s fine. That’s why I need Heechul in my life.”

Donghae did not say anything after this. He was too conflicted with being angry with Heechul for putting Hyukjae down and with Hyukjae with not listening to him, at all. 

After Hyukjae won against Donghae a couple of times, Hyukjae triumphantly threw the remote away, and Donghae grabbed his bag to get his books.

“You really want to study now?” Hyukjae whined.

“That’s what I came over to do, Hyuk.” Donghae laughed.

“Not to see me? I am offended.”

“It was sold to me as a package deal.” Donghae grinned.

“You are always very cheesy.” Hyukjae said and sadly shook his head. “Couldn’t you make it more obvious that you’re joking like Heechul?”

“I am not joking.” Donghae was continuously surprised how well Hyukjae usually understood him and how he sometimes seemed to deliberately look the other way in order not to understand him.

“Yeah, of course you are. You are just not very good at it.”

“Not everyone can be as good as you.”

“See, that was a little better!” Hyukjae patted his shoulder approvingly. And again, Donghae decided not to say anything. He was too annoyed with Hyukjae for looking past the obvious.

They did study for roughly two hours before Hyukjae announced he could not possibly go on without a snack. As the snacks stood right in front of them, what he meant was a drink and a break.

Donghae easily complied. He was working well enough for what he had set out to do. He could easily take a break and do Hyukjae a favour like that.

“They said it was going to rain.” Hyukjae said while the game loaded.

“Did they?” Donghae turned over to the big windows. The sky was darkening slowly. It might have looked a little darker already with rain clouds hanging in the sky, but he could not be sure.

“Yes. I really don’t understand why you like rain so much.”

“It’s not easy to explain. Rain is like a friend. It’s kind and nourishing.”

“It’s painfully cold and punches you straight into the face. What kind of friend does that?” Hyukjae laughed. He was looking at Donghae and not the screen this time.

This was not exactly special, but ever since Donghae had come to terms with his feelings, it was a little more difficult to bear Hyukjae’s sincere eyes, focusing all their attention on him.

“It has character. It plays with you. It makes you strive to do well.” Donghae said. He wasn’t exactly sure why he loved rain that much and he doubted that he was making much sense, but he really did love rain. Both being inside and outside for it.

“You are an idiot.” Hyukjae smiled widely.

“I am lucky to have you.”

“For heaven’s sake laugh when you make a joke!” Hyukjae groaned and bumped his shoulder into Donghae’s.

“I wasn’t joking.” Donghae said and laughed only because Hyukjae had started laughing.

“That’s much better already!” Hyukjae showed him thumbs up. As good as Hyukjae’s approval always felt, it was irritating to be consequently misunderstood.

Still, Donghae would not let that get in the way of him winning the game.

After Donghae had lost two consecutive times, he put the remote down and continued working.

Hyukjae only gloated a little bit and then went back to working himself.

“I am hungry.” Hyukjae said while nibbling on some crackers, about an hour after their first break.

“Isn’t it too early for dinner?”

“That’s not a thing, first of all, and second of all, knowing you, you want to be in bed early as it’s Sunday.”

Donghae could not exactly deny that. They agreed on finishing their respective final tasks and then get ready for cooking.

“Us getting ready for cooking is code for you watching your show, isn’t it?” Donghae asked, while flicking through the book to find the chapter he needed to read.

“Yeah, maybe. You said I wasn’t any good in the kitchen.”

“Maybe you practiced since then…” Donghae suggested.

“Nope.” Hyukjae said cheerfully. “Your cooking tastes amazing, I don’t want to spoil it.” Hyukjae’s smile was warm.

For a split second, Donghae worried that Hyukjae might know about his feelings and was using his smile very strategically. But then, Hyukjae’s smile turned into a concerned frown.

“Do you want me to help? Am I being a bad friend?”

“No, you’re fine.” Donghae smiled and then quickly turned back to his work.

Really, the lesson he learned just then was to worry less and be a little more normal about everything. In worrying that Hyukjae had him figured out, he had nearly just helped Hyukjae figure him out, which was counterproductive, to say the least.

Donghae was done with his tasks before Hyukjae. He tried to stay calm and kept leafing through the book to make it appear like he was still working.

He both did not want to hurry Hyukjae, and he also liked to sneak glances at Hyukjae’s concentrated face. He was not being terribly scheming, he simply did both of them a favour, or something like that.

“Done!” Hyukjae exclaimed dramatically. He threw the pen down and grinned at Donghae.

“Just this page.” Donghae said, acting brilliantly.

“Brilliant.”

“I am starving!” Hyukjae rolled his head and stretched. His very toned stomach became visible, and Donghae was happy he did not actually have a page left, because there was no way he could concentrate on anything like that now.

“I’ll start cooking then.” Donghae said. He closed his book and quickly stood up.

Hyukjae grabbed his arm. “Do you really not want me to help?”

“No, you invited me over. I cook.”

“I am pretty sure that’s not how it normally goes.” Hyukjae laughed.

“I don’t care.” Donghae pulled his arm away and walked into Hyukjae’s kitchen. He still heard Hyukjae well and was essentially just as close to him due to the apartment not being gigantic either. Still, making a few steps helped him to concentrate at least a little more.

Dinner was done pretty soon. Donghae was a decent cook, and even if Hyukjae was not, he still had a well-equipped kitchen.

Donghae had cooked a simple broth with not too many spices. Hyukjae was not great with strong tastes. He said of himself to have a baby palate. It was easy to accommodate that with cooking accordingly.

What use would it be for Donghae to cook something that Hyukjae would not love?

He would not get to see an excited smile and that way the food would taste less delicious to him too.

“Dinner’s ready.” Donghae called and jumped when Hyukjae cheered right next to him.

“I love you, you know that, right?” Hyukjae was looking at him. He was literally only looking at him, but Donghae felt like he was losing his mind.

“You’re the best.” Hyukjae reached past Donghae and grabbed the pot. He grinned and quickly walked back into the living room.

Donghae forced himself to take some deep breaths. He was not going to be disappointed that Hyukjae _loved_ him _as a friend_. He was being ridiculous in enough areas of his life. He could at least not ask for too much from Hyukjae.

“This is delicious!” Hyukjae grinned and put a second spoonful into his mouth. “It tastes way better than Teuk with his fancy spices.”

“Teuk cooks well.”

“Of course, he does, I still like this better.” Hyukjae smiled at Donghae and continued eating. “Eat! I feel bad when you cooked, and I am the only one eating.”

“Yes.” Donghae agreed quickly and shuffled closer to reach the pot as well.

There was no use in fixating on Hyukjae preferring his cooking over Teuk’s all humans had different tastes. It was a coincidence that in this, Hyukjae preferred what Donghae had done.

Hyukjae had literally just told Donghae that he loved him as a friend, he should stop trying to read any more into that.

“Do you have to get up early tomorrow?” Hyukjae asked when they were done with dinner.

Donghae had managed to eat in silence without staring at Hyukjae too much.

“It’s alright. I have first period but nothing else I need to get done before that.” Donghae dropped the spoon into the pot and leaned back next to Hyukjae.

“Still an early night?”

“It’s probably best.” Donghae said. He was aware that Hyukjae was politely trying to suggest that he should leave. He would leave soon. He would soak up the atmosphere as best as he could and then leave Hyukjae alone.

“No matter how early I sleep, getting up early is still annoying.” Hyukjae sighed.

“Yeah.”

“Not for you.” Hyukjae threw a week punch at Donghae’s shoulder. “You are always energetic when you wake up in the morning.”

“Not as soon as I wake up.” Donghae protested.

“As soon as I see you though.” Hyukjae leaned his head against the sofa and closed his eyes which gave Donghae a great opportunity to bite into his hand to not make a noise.

Of course, Donghae was energetic as soon as he saw Hyukjae. The secret to an energetic morning for Donghae was seeing Hyukjae. That was really the secret to a happy life for Donghae, but he could not let Hyukjae guess as much. He needed to keep that to himself as good as he could.

“I better get going now.” Donghae said and stood up.

“Already?” Hyukjae asked, to be kind.

“Yeah. We’ll see each other at my place sometime this week, right?” Donghae asked, casually, and not like this question had pressed on his mind for the entire day.

“Of course. We’re both invited, after all.” Hyukjae stood up too and handed Donghae his books.

“Get home safely.” Hyukjae said, leaning against the wall while Donghae slipped into his shoes.

“Sleep well.” Donghae picked up his bag and waved before stepping outside. He was not the least awkward at the best of times. Saying goodbye when all he wanted to do was never leave, was certainly not his strongest suit.

“You too.” Hyukjae smiled and closed the door with a little wave.

Donghae made his way over to the lift. He had nearly let his guard down, when a door was opened behind him in the hallway.

“Donghae!” Hyukjae called out. “I know you love rain, but you can’t get drenched in the evening.”

Donghae turned around. Hyukjae came running towards him in his slippers. He pushed a jacket into Donghae’s arms.

“Take this and walk quickly. Text me when you get home. I don’t want to have to deduce through your sentimental picture whether you made it home or not.” Hyukjae smiled and pushed Donghae into the lift that had just arrived.

“Get home quickly! Good night, Hae.” Hyukjae waved.

“Thank you for the day, Hyuk.” Donghae smiled, holding onto the jacket tightly.

“Pleasure.” Hyukjae laughed and did and extravagant bow.

The doors of the lift closed and Donghae was finally at liberty to sigh and release a little tension from his shoulders. Before he could think better, he raised the jacket to his nose and inhaled.

Of course, the jacket smelled like Hyukjae. This was not a surprise, and yet, his heart did the silly thing it always did whenever Donghae watched Hyukjae dance.

Ah, that explained a lot, actually.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Saturday! :) I hope you're doing well! <3 Take care and stay safe! Enjoy the chapter. xx

_ Chapter 5  _

Donghae did as he had been told and hurried home. He had put on the jacket in the lift, braced himself for the rain, and then had made his way home.

He would have been a fool to miss the opportunity to take a picture of the streetlight with lines of rain dancing around it. But other than that, he did hurry most of the way.

It did not take long to get back to Donghae’s place, but he was still thoroughly wet when he opened the door.

Donghae put the soaked jacket over a chair near the radiator before quickly jumping into the shower.

Rain would always be pleasant to him, but he was no ignorant of the aftermath a walk through the rain could cause.

After the shower, he posted a picture to share the enthusiasm for rain with the world. He was convinced that the world was stigmatised against rain. Maybe, one of his pictures could change that.

Maybe not.

In any case, with posting pictures, Donghae could make sure he had a nice stock to turn to when he was feeling down.

When the picture was uploaded and Heechul had already liked it, not forgetting to put a series of situational inappropriate emojis in the comments, Donghae opened his chat with Hyukjae.

Hyukjae was not big on social media in general, preferring to converse in private, so Donghae understood that he wanted to directly tell him that he had made it home. Hyukjae cared for all his friends like that. He was simply a great human.

Hyukjae answered immediately and wished him a good night. Any sort of naïve hope Donghae had had to chat to him a little before going to sleep was crushed like that.

That might have been better for his constitution the next morning, but it was still far from pleasant, still a little wet, cold, tired, and on his own in his apartment.

Donghae put his phone away after setting an alarm and curled up in bed. There was nothing to do other than talk to Hyukjae. And as that wasn’t happening, he might as well sleep.

The next morning went smoothly. On good days, Donghae felt the difference half an hour more sleep made. He was awake and ready to start the day while still in the apartment. Usually, that feeling settled in on his way to uni. This was nice too.

The morning went by perfectly normal in all regards until Donghae bumped into the chair where he had hung Hyukjae’s jacket.

The jacket was dry. Donghae should have just let it hang there, not touch it and hand it back to Hyukjae when everyone came over to his place sometime that week.

Donghae did not do that, however.

Carefully and gently, as if he was handling a small animal, Donghae lifted the jacket off the chair. He raised it to his nose and inhaled.

The jacket still smelled like Hyukjae. What was more, it also slightly smelled liked rain.

The soft and warm and somehow slightly dark smell of Hyukjae was mixed with the deep and earthy scent of rain.

Donghae inhaled deeply and smiled. He couldn’t help it. This was his favourite combination of scents ever.

Donghae ended up running a tiny little bit late because he kept smelling the jacket. The professor ran a tiny little bit later than that, so there was no opportunity for Donghae to learn a life lesson.

As soon as he came home, Donghae washed up and got changed into his pyjamas. It was too early to go to sleep, but it would spare him the hassle of getting changed later.

Dressed in his pyjamas, clean and a first bottle of water thirstily gulped down, Donghae grabbed Hyukjae’s jacket again and took a deep breath.

He felt himself relax. It would have obviously been better to actually have Hyukjae around him. Conserved scent was never as good as the original.

But then again, with the real Hyukjae present, he would have to pay more attention to what he was doing. Now, he could smile as much as he wanted, close his eyes, and imagine he was actually lying in Hyukjae’s arms.

If Hyukjae was there, he could not have actually been in his arms and he could not even have dreamed about it as Teuk had told him time and time again, he was rather expressive when he was thinking about something.

Donghae went to sleep with the jacket on the pillow next to him. In terms of sensible things Donghae has done in his life, this was certainly not on top of the list. Still, nobody needed to know about it. All was fine. He was simply making the most of the opportunity he had been presented with before he had to hand the jacket back to Hyukjae the next day.

On Tuesday, Donghae did not have a lot of uni. He went there shortly before first period to get some practicing done and went home after the first course. There were enough tasks he had to complete to keep him busy.

He also went shopping to have some form of food to present to the others later. It totally depended on how Teuk’s day had been if they would cook together or order food. It was always nicer to be prepared for the good scenario of Teuk having had a great day.

Even if Donghae had many tasks to do, he also had ample of free time, in which he could do more important things. 

There was absolutely no way that anyone could have proven that Donghae spent essentially all of his free time burying his head in Hyukjae’s jacket. And as there was no way anyone could produce proof of that, Donghae did not have to worry about whether it was weird he was doing it or not.

There was just as little use to deny it happened either. Stressing unnecessarily about it was also not worthwhile.

For as long as Donghae could, he would make use of this free mood booster and then, when he no longer had it, he would not miss it. That was the goal, anyway.

He would hand over the jacket when Hyukjae came over in the evening and then he would not wish he had not done that when he was alone in his apartment again.

That way, all he had done the past few days could be forgotten.

This plan was a little more difficult to carry out than Donghae had thought.

He did not have a problem with handing the jacket back to Hyukjae when he arrived. But after that, it was difficult to look at Hyukjae without thinking about how Donghae had slept with the jacket next to him.

Even more difficult was being next to Hyukjae. He did not have to look at Hyukjae that way, but he was able to smell him. The scent was of course still the most comforting Donghae could ever imagine, but he was a little overwhelmed by the longing feeling that popped up inside him.

He wanted to lean closer to Hyukjae. He wanted to be hugged tightly. He knew he could not possibly take what he desired, but the real struggle was that he was not used to having to fight instincts.

He would have to fight though. For Hyukjae not to notice, but also for Heechul and Teuk not forming some way too accurate conclusions.

Heechul seemed to know something, and Teuk was far from stupid too. He was annoyingly insightful really.

Donghae would have to try pairing being normal with keeping a distance to Hyukjae. That in itself was obviously a paradox, but he would have to try.

Of course, it was Hyukjae that made it very difficult to carry the plan out. It was almost like he was out to test him.

“Hae, I’m cold.” Hyukjae said with a little bit of a whine in his voice.

They were watching a show on television. Hyukjae sat next to Donghae. Usually, what Donghae would now have done was shove Hyukjae lightly before shuffling a little closer to keep them both warm.

Now any form of physical contact was out of the question. He could not possibly give into that desire and hope to keep a straight face while doing so.

“I’ll get you a blanket.” Donghae said instead and quickly reached over to his bed to get his blanket. He was not that well equipped to have a series of comforters lying around, which Heechul duly remarked on.

“I’m cold too. Move over.” Heechul said and squeezed in between Hyukjae and Donghae.

Keeping his distance from Hyukjae and being kept from Hyukjae were two completely different thing, but Donghae knew that he could not protest.

Heechul turned around to him and grinned. Apparently, it was something Heechul knew too.

The more time passed, the angrier Donghae got with himself for not doing what he usually did. He had always hugged Hyukjae. It was normal to hug him. Nobody apart from himself would have noticed any change in his feelings about the situation.

It might very well have been that he was way more obvious with doing something he did not usually do.

Every now and then, Teuk would glance over to him and tilt his head as if he was trying to figure out what was going on. Normally, he would glance at the bundle of Hyukjae and Donghae, roll his eyes maybe, but otherwise not think any more about it.

It was Donghae’s fault that Teuk now thought there was a problem to solve.

When both Teuk’s glances, Heechul’s obnoxious content sighs, and Donghae’s own thoughts got too annoying, Donghae got up and went over to the kitchen. He was still very much in the same room as the others, but he could turn is back towards them.

“What are you doing?” Hyukjae asked before Donghae had had time to fully compose himself.

“Dinner, I guess.” Donghae answered and glanced over his shoulder. It might have been better not to, because seeing Heechul with his head on Hyukjae’s shoulder was hardly going to make him feel better.

“Can I help?” Teuk asked. Donghae turned towards him. Teuk looked happy enough but also tired. They would eat a self-cooked dinner, but Donghae would prepare it on his own.

“No, it’s just ramen. I’ll be done in a second.” Donghae said.

While he was cooking, Heechul lectured him about even instant noodles take more than a second to be done. Everything was essentially back to normal, at least it was until Donghae turned around and saw Heechul with an arm around Hyukjae’s shoulder.

That had happened before, but that did not mean that Donghae had to like it. He had no right to dislike it either, but nobody needed to know about that.

“You look unhappy.” Hyukjae said. “Should Teuk have helped you?”

“I am just a little tired.” Donghae said quickly, annoyed with himself that Hyukjae could read him that easily.

“We’ll be out of your hair quickly.” Heechul promised and very slowly took his arm back from where he had been hugging Hyukjae.

“It’s fine.” Donghae said. Of course, it was fine. He liked spending time with his friends. He had no right to cut their evening short just because he had mood swings – all caused by his own incompetence.

He would have to calm down a little and then, it would be fine for them to stay. He could not say as much but he could act a little livelier and hope that they got the message that he really did not want to be on his own.

After dinner, Heechul got up to put the pot into the sink. When he came back, he sat down on Donghae’s other side. He had to squeeze in and pushed Donghae towards Hyukjae.

Donghae was too surprised and content to be close to Hyukjae that he did not worry about Heechul having discovered something he would have liked to keep a secret.

“Should we watch a movie and then go on our way. Is that too long, Hae, or do we have your blessing?” Teuk asked with an attempt at puppy eyes.

“It’s fine.” Donghae said. “You choose the film. I won’t be held responsible.”

Teuk flicked through streaming sites and eventually chose an animated film that would cause the least nightmares. Donghae was usually fine but watching a scary film only for his friends to then leave did not seem in any sort of way like a nice idea to him.

The film started, and somehow, Hyukjae leaned closer to Donghae until he was properly pressed against him. This happened gradually over a few minutes that Donghae did not even have to lose his mind about it.

In fact, his body soon remembered that this was normal. He was able to react normally. He was even able to play with Hyukjae’s hair. Hyukjae leaned a little closer and hummed a little.

This was a little more difficult to take in without too much of a reaction, but eventually, Donghae focused on breathing evenly and massaged Hyukjae’s scalp.

He was experiencing a weird juxtaposition of essentially lulling himself to sleep with the warmth and comfort of Hyukjae next to him, but his nerves also lay blank. He was buzzing with energy that had nowhere to go as he was tired, which was why his ears started heating up.

In Donghae’s opinion that was an excellent excuse, well, explanation for his flushed ears. Nobody else paid any attention to him, so he could stick to the explanation and be comforted in knowing there was a general agreement to it.

“And you really want us to leave now?” Heechul asked when the credits started rolling. He was looking at Donghae more or less provocatively.

“Don’t be mean, Heechul. Hae is the only sensible one to want to go to sleep early.” Hyukjae said and sat up. Donghae felt a pleasant shiver run through him because Hyukjae protected him, but that was quickly replaced by cold shivers as Hyukjae distanced himself from him.

“Our voice of reason.” Heechul rolled his eyes. Teuk punched him and got up.

“We will meet up again next week.” Teuk said and patted Donghae’s head. “Get some rest and don’t let uni stress you too much.”

“Eat well and wash up.” Heechul said, patting Donghae’s head enthusiastically.

“Don’t mind them.” Hyukjae laughed and gently patted Donghae’s head too.

Donghae smiled. “They are more embarrassing than my parents would ever be.”

“He called us his parents!” Heechul screeched. “Did you hear?”

“Oh, Hae. Our youngest son.”

“I did not call you my parents.” Donghae sighed.

Hyukjae laughed and put an arm around his shoulders. “They have selective hearing, don’t try to convince them with reason.”

“See, Hyuk thinks we’re being reasonable.” Heechul said.

“How on earth…” Hyukjae interrupted and sighed, much to Heechul and Teuk’s delight.

Hyukjae got up, and Donghae followed all of them to the door and stood awkwardly at the side while they put their shoes on.

“Try not to go insane.” Heechul said cheerfully.

“I will try.” Donghae grimaced.

“Take care.” Teuk smiled and put on his jacket.

“Don’t get too lonely. Call if you need anything.” Hyukjae also put on his jacket. The jacket that Donghae had borrowed from him.

“I will.” Donghae lied. He could not let himself call Hyukjae whenever he felt like it, he would never stop calling him in that case. And that would surely make Hyukjae’s patience run thin sooner or later, and that really could not happen.

Donghae waved his friends goodbye and then quickly soaked the dishes in the sink. He would not love to wake up to them, but he just wanted to crawl into his bed and escape the world for a short while.

He had planned not to think about Hyukjae too much, but he had not expected his blanket to smell so much like him.

Heechul somehow had a way less distinct smell. Donghae felt like he was surrounded by Hyukjae’s scent. Now that no contact with Hyukjae was happening, the lulling factor of the scent overpowered the energising one.

Donghae pulled the blanket tighter around him. The one thing he could try to do was keep his mind empty and simply fall asleep, concentrating on feeling comfortable.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is on the longer side, so settle back and enjoy! <3 Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 6 _

For the sake of not deteriorating any further, Donghae was relieved that his blanket had already stopped smelling like Hyukjae when he woke up the next day.

He had slept well but waking up with a distant memory of Hyukjae being there, when he was in fact not there, was hardly pleasant.

Donghae did not like having to remind himself that obviously Hyukjae wasn’t there with him. Hyukjae would not wake up next to him on a completely normal day.

Also, the image of sleeping curled around Hyukjae would never become reality. It was a cruel trick of his mind to make him feel like it was real. It was not real, and it would never be real.

The sooner Donghae would accept that, the sooner he could go back to normal and enjoy Hyukjae’s platonic skin ship.

In order to somehow make it through the day and not even hope that some of the scent remained, Donghae quickly put the bedding into the wash and took a shower. He would start the day completely normal and would forget both about Hyukjae’s jacket and the blanket.

Donghae’s plan to have a normal week held up for a few hours. He was fine in uni. He was a little lonely, but he did not need any particular people around him. He was happy listening silently.

He did also join conversations when he was addressed explicitly. And after being approached kindly, he also approached a rather lonely looking classmate and chatted until the lesson started.

As he had thought as little about Hyukjae as he had done all day when talking to others, Donghae repeated the strategy before the next courses and made it safely through the time at uni like that.

However, on his walk home, he suddenly got a text message. He pulled his phone out and felt himself blush when he read which contact had written him: ‘Mine’.

Donghae clicked on the message.

_Mine: Are you free to do some grocery shopping? Mum doesn’t trust me to go alone._

Donghae smiled. He loved Hyukjae’s mother. She was a very kind lady. And she was easy to be around. Heechul and Teuk always left him to talk to her when they met her, but Donghae did not mind. He liked talking to nice people and anyone from Hyukjae’s family was by definition a nice person.

_Hae: Sure._

Hyukjae immediately replied and pleaded to meet up immediately. Donghae warned him that he had no money with him, but Hyukjae did not mind.

So, instead of making his way home, Donghae walked to Hyukjae’s place. He was fretting a little of how to behave in Hyukjae’s place. He might react rather strongly to the scent after obsessing over it in different forms for the last few days.

Luckily, Donghae did not have to have a plan ready, as Hyukjae was already downstairs, waiting for him.

“You can’t mock me for mum not trusting me to do my own shopping.” Hyukjae said as a greeting.

“I won’t.”

“Thank you.”

“She’s right.”

“Hey!” Hyukjae bumped his shoulder against Donghae’s and then pulled him to cross the street.

Donghae laughed and was rather proud to have found the middle ground of being happy that Hyukjae was pulling him along and of losing his mind because Hyukjae was touching him.

“Thank you for helping me.” Hyukjae said a little more seriously and let go off Donghae.

“I do need food too.” Donghae said. “I am glad you trust me.”

“We both do.” Hyukjae said, and Donghae flushed.

In the supermarket, Donghae made Hyukjae follow him through the isles methodologically.

“We never used to do it like this.” Hyukjae whined next to him. “You would let me roam on my own and buy all the things I missed.”

“Yes, but this is a learning experience for you.” Donghae laughed and placed one of the three bags of crisps back into the shelf.

“Mum would be very proud of you.”

“Your mother or Teuk?”

Hyukjae groaned and then laughed. “I can’t even use that to blackmail you in front of Teuk because you pulled me into this. Well played, very well played.”

Donghae laughed and looked at Hyukjae. He was in danger of getting lost a little in the sight, so he turned back to the shelves and concentrated on shopping.

He did pride himself on being a structured shopper and soon found everything they were looking for.

Everything, apart from some seasoning which had moved places since he had last been to the shop.

“I will grab some milk and you ask for the seasoning.” Donghae said and set out for the fridge.

“No.” Hyukjae said cheerfully. He overtook him and waved over his shoulder.

Donghae rolled his eyes. Hyukjae did not love to talk to strangers and tried to avoid it whenever possible.

Donghae did not mind talking to strangers. Especially if he had a simple goal in mind.

Donghae steered the cart and looked for the closest employee. He soon found a young man that was quick to help him.

Donghae smiled and bowed. Suddenly, there was a hand on his back. Hyukjae leaned past him and put the milk into the cart. He could have stepped past Donghae and put it in like that.

He probably did not want to get too close to the employee. Donghae did not always understand all of Hyukjae’s motifs, but this one was rather straight forward.

“Thank you. Have a good day.” Donghae said and bowed again. The employee smiled in return, but he did not look quite as happy as before. Humans truly were a mystery.

They quickly grabbed the seasoning and then paid for their shopping.

“Will you be fine carrying that on your own?” Donghae asked Hyukjae and secured the water bottle under his arm.

“Yes, I am not weak.” Hyukjae glared a little. He struggled with the bag briefly and sighed. “I am weaker than you, but I will be fine!”

“I can help you.” Donghae offered.

“No. It’s fine. You have helped too much already anyway.” Hyukjae sighed again.

“I like helping you.” Donghae said sincerely.

“Yes, but I don’t like being helped.” Hyukjae fought with the bags again before quickly turning around. “No, that’s not what I meant. I like that you help me, but I feel weird needing help.”

“I think I understand.” Donghae said. He was not completely very hurt, but it still felt nicer to have confirmation from Hyukjae that he did not in fact dislike his help.

“I will go home then and finish my tasks.”

“Ever the model student.” Hyukjae smiled. “Don’t let it stress you too much. Call me when it gets too much.”

Donghae made his favourite non-committal noise and went home after a final wave.

After the grocery shopping adventure, Donghae would have thought that he would get to use his free time to prepare for meeting Hyukjae again.

He had come to terms with his feelings and he was on a good way to agree with himself that being best friends was all he wanted. He could easily love Hyukjae and focus on wanting him to be happy, he was pretty sure.

It would have been great to have some free time to solidify that belief for himself.

However, something way more pleasant and way more stressful happened instead.

Hyukjae texted him to ask whether he was free to help him choose a new coat.

Donghae had gone shopping with Hyukjae before. Otherwise, he might have legitimately thought more before agreeing to go with him. He would have obviously said yes, as it was still Hyukjae, but he might have taken some time to prepare what it would be like to go shopping.

Shopping for clothes was obviously vastly different than shopping for food was. It was almost inevitable that Donghae was forced to focus on Hyukjae’s body for a big portion of the adventure.

Hyukjae liked to hear his opinion on things. At first, Donghae had always admired Hyukjae’s style and had been too shy to really say anything, but they had soon got more comfortable and Donghae had even found something that he would call his style.

Since then, shopping was easier, because he had something to contribute, but it was also more difficult, because Hyukjae now twirled in front of him, or came close for Donghae to inspect every potential issue with the piece of clothing.

On Thursday, they were going to look for a coat for Hyukjae. That seemed pretty straightforward.

It was a mean trick from the universe that in the somewhat frail state Donghae was in, it would be coats Hyukjae wanted to check out.

Hyukjae looked good essentially all day, all year round, but in a coat, he always looked like he stepped straight out of a fashion magazine. It was a privilege and a burden to see him like that.

“Let’s go!” Donghae said cheerfully when he met Hyukjae in front of his building.

“Are you sure you have time for this?” Hyukjae squirmed a little.

“Yes, I agreed to help.”

“You are always busy with uni work.”

Donghae decided not to read into this that Hyukjae did not actually want him to be there. He had been the one to ask him, after all.

“I can allow this break.” Donghae said and motioned towards starting to move.

“Are you sure you want this to be your break? You could do whatever. I would not blame you if you left right now.” Hyukjae looked like he genuinely did not know that this was precisely the one place Donghae wanted to be in.

“Yes. Let’s go.” Donghae said and linked arms with Hyukjae. This was much more to get Hyukjae moving than it was fulfilling selfish desires, by the way.

“You do have an issue with being too kind.” Hyukjae grumbled a little, but he was voluntarily moving next to Donghae which was something at least.

“By the sound of it, it’s you that has an issue.”

“I don’t have an issue with it!” Hyukjae protested immediately. “I… You have to be careful, that’s all. You might get roped into things you don’t like. You don’t really ever say no, do you?”

“Not really.”

“See, not even that was a no.” Hyukjae bumped their shoulders together. “You can say no to me, though. You know that, right?”

Donghae knew that in theory, of course, but there was absolutely no way he would ever say no to Hyukjae.

A non-committal sound was obviously the correct choice for an answer.

“You are not here against you will?” Hyukjae asked after a short moment of silence.

“No.” Donghae said simply. It would take too long and reveal too much if he tried to explain to Hyukjae that him thinking Donghae does not enjoy his company made him very unhappy.

“Good.” Hyukjae said and took his arm away to weave past a queue.

Donghae did not like that bit, but, thankfully, from then on, Hyukjae was back to his cheerful self. It was disconcerting to see him worry that much about something that was clearly an everyday matter.

“We will start high-end and work our way down, returning, if necessary, to the coat we fell in love with.” Hyukjae announced and opened the door of the first store for Donghae.

“At your service.” Donghae said and saluted.

“You’re ridiculous, Hae.” Hyukjae laughed and approached the coat-section.

The first truly pricey shops did not have a coat that wowed them. Every single one Hyukjae put on looked amazing and as if it was tailored specifically for him, but there was still something missing.

The coats were chic with bold colours and patterns, but they seemed to agree that that was not what they were looking for.

In one shop, they found a nice trench coat that was the perfect length for Hyukjae. It did have a stain on it, though.

While Hyukjae was still looking at himself in the mirror, Donghae went to an employee of the store.

“Excuse me, miss?” Donghae smiled and was glad to see that the employee was not one of those inherently stressed ones.

“Yes? Can I help you?” She smiled back brightly.

“Yes, my friend has tried on a coat, but there is a stain on it.” Donghae explained and pointed to his waist where the stain would have been, had he worn the coat. Conversations were not always easy.

“I see. I can look for another one for you.” She offered.

“That would be nice, thank you.” Donghae said. He did wonder why she did not first ask to see the stain. Maybe, his description had been more accurate than he had given himself credit for.

A short while later, the employee returned and held the coat out for him. It was a plain black coat, which he had not asked for, he was pretty sure. Also, the employee was holding it out for him to try on.

“Oh?”

“Try this one.” She smiled brightly.

Donghae was confused and pushed his arms through the sleeves. He feared he had lost track of the conversation a little. It was best to just go along for now.

“Perfect. It suits and fits you wonderfully.” The employee stepped back to admire the fit and then stepped closer to demonstrate of snuggly it lay around his waist.

“I was not…” Donghae started.

“Hae?” Hyukjae called in that moment. He had the trench coat thrown over his arm and was walking towards them now. With every step he took, it seemed like he was getting angrier.

“Can I help you?” The employee did not sound quite as friendly as she had done with Donghae. Maybe. Donghae wasn’t sure.

“Yes. I wanted to point out there is a stain on this coat. We didn’t find what we were looking for. Thank you. Goodbye.” While talking, Hyukjae had glanced over to Donghae before pushing the coat into the employee’s arms.

They had not found what they were looking for?

Donghae quickly slipped the coat off and handed it to the employee with an apologetic smile.

“Goodbye.” He said and quickly followed Hyukjae who was heading straight for the door.

“We did not find what we were looking for?” Donghae asked when they stepped outside.

“I did not want a stain on my coat.” Hyukjae answered courtly.

“They might have had another one without a stain.”

“I do not want to buy anything in that store.”

“Oh? They did not put the stain there deliberately.” Donghae tried to appease him. “It suited you very well.”

“I don’t want a trench coat.” Hyukjae did not sound happy.

“Do you know what sort of colour you want?” Donghae asked carefully. If he was the reason Hyukjae was unhappy, he really did not want to make it any worse now.

“No.”

“We will find a coat, don’t worry.” Donghae made his best attempt at a cheerful smile.

Hyukjae only glanced briefly over to him. He sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“Are you alright?” Donghae asked.

“Yes. Of course.” Hyukjae smiled, but Donghae would not have been himself if he had not noticed the crease in Hyukjae’s forehead.

He did, however, also not have a single clue what he could do to smooth the crease over. Donghae smiled and then turned back to the front, hoping that they would find a coat and that Hyukjae could be happy again.

At first, the next store, seemed to have not much variety to choose from, but then, they found another rack of coats and a genuine smile was back on Hyukjae.

When Hyukjae put on a soft grey coat and turned around to Donghae, it was Donghae that had to fight to keep the smile on his face.

The coat was not particularly special in any way. It was big with no buttons in the front. It was a light grey and looked cosy.

Hyukjae moved from one foot to the other and then pulled the coat tighter around himself, hands inside the pockets. He looked adorable like that. Sweet, soft, and beautiful.

Donghae felt his cheeks starting to ache, but the smile had to stay on his face.

“What do you think?” Hyukjae asked with big eyes.

“Is it as comfortable as it looks?” Donghae asked eventually.

“Yes.” Hyukjae smiled.

“It’s perfect, then.”

“It’s not very smart.” Hyukjae looked at his reflection, pulling his mouth to the side.

“You make it look smart.”

“Yeah right.” Hyukjae laughed.

The times that Hyukjae laughed at something that was never intended to be a joke and the times he did not react to Donghae’s jokes were perfectly balanced out. They did not cancel each other out though. They both only added to a generally miserable feeling Donghae was experiencing.

“I’ll pay for this now, I guess.” Hyukjae twirled around one more time.

“Good idea.” Donghae turned around and finally managed to relax his face. He had known that going coat-shopping with Hyukjae would take a toll on him. This was a little too close to losing control for his liking though.

After a few calming breaths, Donghae followed Hyukjae to the counter and waited for him to pay for the coat.

“Done.” Hyukjae triumphantly swung the bag with coat around and walked outside the store. “That was very successful.”

Donghae hummed.

“Oh? Did you want to try on a coat too?” Hyukjae stopped, so Donghae had to turn around to him.

“Me?”

“We can go back to that shop. The black coat looked good on you.” Hyukjae was not looking at Donghae. Did that mean he was lying?

Donghae could easily read in between lines when Hyukjae was joking. But when Hyukjae was neither joking nor looking at him, Donghae was a little lost.

“No, I don’t need a coat. I am glad we found one for you.” Donghae said which at least made Hyukjae look at him again.

“You don’t regret coming?” Hyukjae asked.

“No? Should I?” Donghae smiled. He was not sure why Hyukjae was so doubtful on that day.

“No. I’d hate for you to regret coming.” Hyukjae looked down on his hands again.

“Are you alright, Hyuk?” Donghae asked and carefully stepped a little closer.

“Yes.” Hyukjae shook himself a little. “I should be. I am not quite sure what is happening.” He admitted with a sigh.

“If you want to talk about it… or something, I am willing to listen.” Donghae said immediately.

Hyukjae looked at him and a small smile reappeared on his face. “Don’t go around offering that to everyone.”

A quick series of different expressions flashed over Hyukjae’s face that Donghae was not quite sure he had understood all. In the end, Hyukjae’s face settled into a carefully neutral expression that Donghae at least knew was hiding something, even if he did not know what exactly Hyukjae was hiding.

“Are you going home immediately?” Hyukjae asked which was also quite evidently a way of diverting Donghae’s attention.

“I guess so.” Donghae answered. He would not have minded to grab a bite to eat with Hyukjae, but he would also not demand to be recompensated like that.

“I see.” Hyukjae smiled. “More uni stuff to do?”

“Always.” Donghae returned the smile.

It felt more or less normal between them again, but the thoughts of Hyukjae behaving rather peculiarly were still pressing on Donghae’s mind, and he very much doubted that they would calm down any time soon.

Hyukjae walked Donghae into the general direction of his apartment. He waved and wished him luck with his tasks. The encouraging words sounded properly genuine again.

Donghae’s mind was appeased for a while so that he at least managed to concentrate and get some good work done that day.

Only in the evening did Hyukjae’s surprising behaviour come back to mind. Donghae had had a good time with him, which was thankfully not unusual. But Hyukjae had been unhappy at times and that even when they had successfully found a coat for him.

Donghae was no way near an explanation for his behaviour, and he would very possibly not ever find one, but that did not mean that he was going to stop wondering about it.

For the rest of the week, Donghae worked normally and talked to Teuk and Heechul briefly to carefully hear whether they had anything unusual to report of Hyukjae. Neither of the two shared anything voluntarily, so Donghae decided not to press on. They did not need to be unnecessarily worried.

Donghae also talked to Hyukjae via text which was as pleasant and normal as always. That also meant, however, that Donghae was not getting closer to figuring out what exactly could have happened on Thursday.

Eventually, he decided to accept that things were back to normal. After all, Hyukjae had asked if he wanted to grab a coffee on Saturday. Well, it would be a coffee for him and a hot chocolate for Hyukjae, but they would go to a café together, and that was all that mattered.

After full week of work, Donghae was very much looking forward to a break from his small apartment.

And he was looking forward to seeing Hyukjae again. He was not really getting better at missing him less with the days passing.

Everything would be normal and fine. Completely fine. Just like it always was.

Donghae stayed up late on Friday working on some music and even attempting to dance a little, but after bumping into two different walls, he quickly gave up and laid down in bed to watch some films.

He did not want to sleep early. He wanted to have a lie in so that he did not have to wait too long before he could meet up with Hyukjae. There was not much work for him to do over the weekend, so he could allow himself this luxury.

On Saturday, Donghae only got up after turning around two more times. He had time for a leisurely shower, which he did not make full use of, because it was difficult to keep his thoughts at bay when in the shower.

Donghae was still only approaching the state of being completely at peace with being in love with Hyukjae without wanting anything in return. He knew that he did not want to be found out and that he did not want to pressure Hyukjae to do anything he did not want, but that did not mean he was at the stage where him being on his own forever sounded ideal.

After the shower, Donghae thought for longer than he was comfortable about what he should wear. Hyukjae would not notice what he was wearing, and yet, it was important to him to feel good.

There was nothing quite as unpleasant as feeling inadequate in any sort of company.

Hyukjae himself never tried to make Donghae feel bad about himself, but there was no way around it, when he could wear a hoodie and look like angels styled him.

In the end, Donghae went with a patterned button down. It was loose and not too smart. All that would potentially happen was that Hyukjae rolled his eyes at him because he was not wearing warm enough clothes, but he would feel properly dressed.

Donghae put on a jacket and slipped into his shoes. He did have to crawl back through his apartment to get his wallet, but other than that, his departure was a full success.

Hyukjae was waiting in front of the park gate looking unfairly gorgeous in a big hoodie.

“You’ll be cold in like a second.” Hyukjae shook his head.

Donghae smiled. He had been right about Hyukjae’s surreal looks in a hoodie and him pointing out that Donghae was wearing too little.

“You are not even a jacket. I am layering.” Donghae told Hyukjae and they walked into the park.

“You will still be cold. The weather doesn’t care about fashion.”

Donghae laughed and they talked a little more about appropriate and inappropriate clothing choices. Donghae struggled a little with not pointing out how pretty he thought Hyukjae looked in everything.

He did slip up once, but it was asking too much for Donghae to remain quiet when Hyukjae was putting himself down with careless words.

“Very beautiful people should not make too much of an effort in getting dressed. For them, a coat could be overdressing already, but I need a coat to make myself look acceptable.”

“You look good without a coat.” Donghae said which was both the truth but also not everything he could have said, so to say, the perfect middle ground.

“So I look good now?” Hyukjae laughed.

“You do.” Donghae answered sincerely.

“Stop it.” Hyukjae was not being falsely modest. He legitimately could not understand that Donghae was being serious.

Hyukjae stopped laughing rather suddenly. Did he finally hear the truth in Donghae’s voice?

“Then again, it _is_ Saturday, and we’re just going for a walk, I don’t _need_ to look acceptable today.” Hyukjae said, clearly very happy with that rubbish justification.

“You do look acceptable.”

“Maybe.” Hyukjae shrugged. “I don’t need to look pretty today, I agree.”

“You are beautiful though.” Donghae was speaking quietly. He did not need Hyukjae to hear him necessarily, but he needed to voice his thoughts. He could never leave anything bottled up for too long inside.

“Let’s talk of more cheerful things.” Hyukjae said, and Donghae whole-heartedly agreed.

Bearing witness to Hyukjae putting himself down was one of the least cheerful things Donghae could think of.

While they stayed in the park, they talked about Hyukjae’s new dance choreography. Donghae had to suffer through him demonstrating a few dance moves, but it was still better than sitting opposite him in a café.

Seeing Hyukjae’s excited and gleaming eyes was lovely, and it made Donghae very happy. He did not know how to monitor his reactions though, so not facing him was undeniably better.

Hyukjae had heard of a café that did hot chocolate with actual chocolate that was close to the park, so that was where they were heading now.

“Don’t worry, they will have your death elixir too.” Hyukjae eyed him from the side.

“I would like to try the hot chocolate too.”

“You would?” Hyukjae’s frown cleared away and he beamed at Donghae. He was one big enigma. Why would this make him so excited all of a sudden?

Seeing Hyukjae excited about something was certainly nice though, so Donghae decided not to worry about it. He would never really understand everything about Hyukjae anyways.

He preferred it that way, though. It was nice to be met with surprises regularly. All that mattered was that Hyukjae always stayed in his life. Then, Donghae would truly be happy.

“Where were you off too?” Hyukjae walked a little closer and briefly leaned against Donghae’s shoulder.

“Ah, thoughts.” Donghae answered stupidly. Why did he always struggle to be normal?

“I see.” Hyukjae smiled. “If it’s something you want to talk about, go ahead. I am well used to hearing your deepest and darkest secrets.”

Hyukjae laughed and walked to catch the door to the café as customers were leaving. It was very fortunate that he did not look at Donghae to see him blush.

It was true, Donghae did tend to share rather a lot of his thoughts with anyone that would listen, most often Hyukjae. Heechul listened well but was incapable of giving quote-free advice. With Teuk, he would get thousands of text messages concerning the topic in the next few months.

Only with Hyukjae, Donghae knew that he would be listened to with a good balance of teasing, support, and advice.

It was really Hyukjae’s own fault that he was so easy to confide to. Had he been less perfect, Donghae might have shared less.

Not that sharing would be of any question now. Donghae would not share this particular secret.

If Hyukjae asked again, he would tell him a simple white lie, and in the future, he would simply have to be a little more careful when to let his train of thought leave the station full steam ahead.

“There’s a table at the window!” Hyukjae said excitedly.

“You can sit down, I will order.” Donghae said and joined the queue.

“Perfect.” Hyukjae squeezed in between chairs and managed to read the table. He waved at Donghae. Donghae rolled his eyes and then turned to the counter to not be weird and stare at Hyukjae the entire time, and to decide on what to order.

When it was his turn, Donghae ordered two hot chocolates and an almond tarte for himself and a banana waffle for Hyukjae.

“I’ll bring it right over to you.” The waiter smiled at Donghae, and he quickly returned the smile. It was nice to see when people in stressful situation were still able to share some kindness with the world without any ulterior motive.

“Thank you.” Donghae said and joined Hyukjae at the table.

“Won’t be long.” Donghae announced and took off his jacket.

“Mh.” Hyukjae’s answer was court. It was not exactly a non-committal sound. Hyukjae certainly committed something with the answer.

He did not sound happy. Any sort of excitement had completely disappeared. Hyukjae was not even looking at him anymore. He kneaded his fingers and looked resolutely out of the window.

Donghae had nearly prepared himself to ask whether something was wrong when the waiter walked over to their table.

The preparations took that long because Donghae simultaneously also prepared himself for Hyukjae to assure him that nothing was wrong.

Now, he would neither have to nor get to ask Hyukjae.

“Two hot chocolates, a waffle, and a tarte.” The waiter leaned over the table, and Donghae tried to make room for him.

Hyukjae was still not looking at anyone. This was a lot less polite than Hyukjae usually was, but Donghae was in no position to tell him off.

“Thank you.” Donghae smiled.

“Enjoy.” The waiter bowed a little and left.

“This looks amazing.” Donghae said. He would do what he did best when Hyukjae left him dumbfounded. He would pretend nothing was wrong.

Finally, Hyukjae directed his gaze away from the window and onto the table. A smile appeared on his lips when he spotted the bananas next to his waffle. His forehead was still scrunched up, but his lips were smiling.

It was a small victory, even if Donghae did not quite know what had caused the need for this victory.

Hyukjae picked up his hot chocolate and took a sip. Now, also his forehead de-tensed a little.

“Do you like the hot chocolate?” Donghae asked, mainly to get Hyukjae speaking. He could see very well that Hyukjae liked the hot chocolate.

Hyukjae looked at him and then at the cup in front of Donghae. The smile was still there when Hyukjae looked at Donghae, but it was not quite as deep, or that’s what Donghae thought.

“It’s good.” Hyukjae said and then started eating his waffle.

Donghae was marginally uncomfortable. He did not know what could have happened for Hyukjae to lose his excitement and happiness in one split moment.

Donghae also did not want to regret this meeting they had, so he started talking, trying not to pay too much attention as to whether Hyukjae answered him or reacted to him or not.

Donghae talked about music, which was always a safe bet as there was an endless amount of things he could talk about.

It was usually also something that Hyukjae joined in with sooner or later. Today, however, Hyukjae smiled every now and then but otherwise focused on his food.

“We will have to hand in something end of next week.” Donghae said when he had ended up talking about his least favourite course of theoretical analysis of the time period a musician was active in.

“We?” Hyukjae asked, and Donghae nearly chocked on his hot chocolate. He had not expected Hyukjae to say anything.

“Yes. It’s a group work. It could be worse, though. My partner is decent. He said he was glad when I approached him.” Donghae laughed a little, but if that was possible, Hyukjae became even more quiet after this.

Eventually, Donghae finished his food and ran out of things to say.

“Do you have anything else planned for today?” Donghae asked when Hyukjae placed his cup down.

“Some dancing.” Hyukjae shrugged.

“That sounds fun. It might cheer you up.” Donghae said carefully.

“Yeah.” Hyukjae sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I think I am. Sorry, if I was out of it a little.”

“It happens.” Donghae smiled a little.

Hyukjae nodded and stretched. “I think I need to move around again. You’ll have things to do too, I guess.”

“Yes.” Donghae did not want to make Hyukjae feel like he needed to stay with Donghae if he did not want to. He did not need to finish something immediately, but there was also always something he could do, so he was not exactly lying either.

“Let’s go, then.” Hyukjae stood up and waited for Donghae to put on his jacket.

Donghae fumbled a little and gladly accepted the helping hand.

“Thanks.” He said and slipped the jacket on.

“You’re welcome.” The voice did not belong to Hyukjae. Donghae spun around and saw the waiter smiling at him.

“Oh, thank you.” Donghae bowed a little. “It was very delicious.”

Donghae turned looked over at Hyukjae and saw that yet another indecipherable new expression on his face.

“Goodbye.” Donghae said and bowed again, following Hyukjae out of the café.

Hyukjae stuffed his hands into his hoodie pocket and marched forward.

“We can come back here and try the cakes next time.” Donghae said when he caught up with Hyukjae.

“Or we can try a different café.” Hyukjae answered. His tone was neutral. But it was decidedly neutral, so not to neutral after all.

“Of course.” Donghae answered quickly.

Hyukjae looked at him for a brief second, and then looked away again. Even more so than before, Donghae suddenly felt like it was his fault that Hyukjae was in a somewhat bad mood. He could not understand or explain what had happened, but he was almost certain it was because he had done something wrong.

“Get home safely.” Hyukjae said at a surprising corner.

“You’re off here?” Donghae asked.

“Yes. A friend wants to see me to run a speech by me.”

“Have fun.” Donghae smiled. He did want Hyukjae to have fun, but he also felt weird. Well, jealous, if he had to be more precise and honest.

If the friend Hyukjae was going to see had been Teuk or Heechul, he would have called the speech a rant or everything other than a speech. Hyukjae had other friends that Donghae, Teuk, or Heechul, but it felt weird to have to share their day with someone Donghae did not know.

Hyukjae crossed the street, and Donghae had to make his way home alone.

His apartment seemed a whole deal less welcoming than he had ever experienced before.

The day had been weird, exhausting, confusing, and sadder than Donghae could have ever anticipated.

All he could do now was hope that things would settle down again. He would have to sleep and rely on the fact that Hyukjae was human as much as anyone else and therefore entitled to his moods.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well done for making it half-way already, I guess. :) Enjoy the chapter and all the best for this new week! <3 Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 7  _

__

After the meeting on Saturday, Donghae knew that he had no reason to expect to see Hyukjae any time soon. He said he had a friend to visit and was most likely dancing the entirety of Sunday to make up for lost time.

No matter how off things had seemed at the end of their hot chocolate, Donghae still longed to see Hyukjae again. If it was something he had done wrong, he had to see him again to make things right again.

If it was something he had no influence over, Hyukjae would have to deal with everything himself. Donghae would have to hope that by the next time they met, things would be back to normal. In that case, of course, Donghae would probably have to be patient and give Hyukjae time.

Being patient was not one of Donghae’s particular strengths. He was usually more eager to get started with something. He liked looking forward to something, but not when it was set to happen at an indefinite time. He wanted to spend time with Hyukjae because that was where he was happiest.

He could very well wait until Tuesday, for example, but not knowing when he would be able to see him again was already eating away at him, and it was only Sunday afternoon.

Donghae had not done much on Saturday. He had tried not to wallow in self-pity,-doubt,-worry, but that had only been semi-successful.

On Sunday, he had slept a long time and prepared some lunch and then half-heartedly tried to work some more, but it was not easy to concentrate when his thoughts were elsewhere.

After one more hour of toying with his pen and restarting the piece of music he was supposed to focus on, Donghae picked up his phone.

There was no message from Hyukjae. He really shouldn’t have hoped for one, but he was only human, after all.

To gather some courage and to get into the groove of writing, Donghae wrote Teuk (which was always a dangerous undertaking) and Heechul a message asking about their days.

He stared at the empty box that encouraged him to write to Hyukjae, but he needed a moment.

Eventually, after his phone screen had gone dark twice, he typed something quickly and sent it off.

_Hae: Don’t forget to eat and drink in between dancing._

The message was not complicated and therefore it was only more embarrassing how worked up he got over it.

The message was sent now though, so there was nothing Donghae could do anymore.

For the next few minutes, concentrating on work was somewhat possible. The frail concentration construct he had built up for himself was shattered immediately, when his phone buzzed.

Donghae unlocked his phone and quickly clicked on the notification.

_Heechul: You’re being weird._

Donghae’s heart plummeted but then he saw that the message was from Heechul and not Hyukjae.

_Hae: I’m not._

Donghae answered and kept on chatting with Heechul for a while before a new notification popped up. This time, it was Hyukjae that had written to him.

_Mine: I needed that reminder. Thanks. Studying going well?_

Donghae was relieved to note that Hyukjae was writing as if everything was normal. After a quick pause to think about what to write, Donghae started typing, hoping to have found one of Hyukjae’s rare breaks in which he would actually answer him.

Donghae wrote about his studying, stretching the truth a little to not have to share what he had been busy thinking about and also to not worry Hyukjae too much.

Hyukjae answered quickly and shared something about his day too. Donghae was feeling more and more relaxed and back to normal when Hyukjae decided to drop another bomb shell.

_Mine: I need to get the last bit of the choreo down. Also, Siwon is bothering me again._

Donghae simply stared at the message for a while before asking the one obvious question.

_Hae: Siwon?_

The only compensation was that Hyukjae’s answer came quickly. Donghae childishly squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, but then curiosity got the better of him.

_Mine: The speech guy from yesterday. He changed a bit and ordered me to listen again._

Donghae could have left it at that. He probably should have left it at that. But he was curious. He wanted to know as much about Hyukjae as he could. He wanted to keep talking to him. Not to keep him from dancing but maybe to cut his time with that Siwon person short.

No, he wouldn’t do that. That was not his motivation. He only wanted to keep talking to Hyukjae. That was all.

_Hae: Do you also need to do a speech for a class?_

_Mine: No, why?_

_Hae: I thought that’s how you met Siwon._

_Mine: No. Siwon knows like everyone and saw me dance and spoke to me._

Yes, Donghae really shouldn’t have asked. There was an unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach. It did not take long to figure out that the feeling was jealousy.

Of course, people would approach Hyukjae to talk to him. Donghae would have done the exact same. Hyukjae was not only a great performer and dancer, he also looked amazing and won anyone over within seconds if he just thought to smile at them. And Hyukjae always smiled.

So, Siwon had approached Hyukjae and Hyukjae must have liked it enough to spend more time with him afterwards.

When had they first met? When did they become close enough for Hyukjae’s days to be scheduled by Siwon’s demands?

Donghae did not know Siwon, but he had the impression that he would not like him.

_Mine: I need to go now. Don’t forget to drink!_

Donghae stared at his phone and dropped it onto the table when the screen went dark.

This did not mean that he lost Hyukjae. It could not mean that. They had known each other for a year now. They were close. Hyukjae had always had friends and had always been well liked by everyone. People loved him because he knew how to entertain people.

There was nothing new about this situation. Donghae would have to accept it and then everything would be back to normal.

If he thought about it, he was pretty sure he had experienced jealousy because of Hyukjae before. He had thought that was only best-friend-jealousy, if that was a thing at all. Now, he knew that it was just pure jealousy, which did not make it easier, of course.

However, he had got through it before, so he would be able to get through it now too.

Hyukjae spent a fair amount of time with Siwon, it seemed, so Donghae better came to terms with it as quickly as possible so that he did not actually end up losing Hyukjae.

Donghae’s phone buzzed again. He picked it up and saw a stream of messages from Teuk arriving. He had literally asked for this. Also, Teuk’s messages were nothing if not distracting from whatever else was going on in his life.

_Teuk: I am so glad you asked._

_Teuk: My day has gone well._

_Teuk: I spent the day learning a new recipe._

_Teuk: But for that I needed to clean the kitchen._

_Teuk: I know that Heechul is not about this life, but I hope you will agree that a clean kitchen is the secret to a successful recipe._

_Teuk: I also found a better way to clean the countertop._

_Teuk: I can show you when I come around to your place._

_Teuk: Or are we meeting at mine this week?_

Donghae knew that Teuk did not love it when he only answered one part of his messages, but it was his fault for ending with a direct question, otherwise, Donghae might have felt compelled to address the other topics too.

_Hae: I think we didn’t decide yet._

_Teuk: Perfect, we’ll do it here then._

Teuk kept writing about his day which eventually made Donghae concede. He asked questions about the cleaning and somehow accidentally ended up asking Teuk whether he knew Siwon.

_Teuk: Siwon? Is he doing music with you?_

_Hae: No. Hyuk is helping him with a speech or something._

_Teuk: Ah! Hyuk!_

_Teuk: Yes, I remember him mentioning Siwon._

_Teuk: Why?_

This was difficult to answer. And unpleasant too. Why did Teuk know about Siwon? Why did Donghae not know that Hyukjae had someone important in his life?

_Hae: I couldn’t remember if Hyuk mentioned him before._

That was of course a lie, but that did not concern anyone that wasn’t Donghae.

Teuk did not react much to that message. All that happened was that Donghae got to take part as an audience for Teuk’s stream of consciousness and witness how he came to the conclusion that he should invite Siwon to their meeting that week.

_Teuk: Of course, I can’t invite him personally._

_Teuk: I will ask Hyuk to ask him to bring him along._

_Teuk: Do you have anyone to bring along too?_

_Hae: No._

The good thing about Teuk was that he was way less perceptive over text. Had they talked in person, he would have noticed that Donghae had turned in on himself, but over text, he did not realise.

Part of the reason for that was surely that Teuk regarded texts as a medium to broadcast his monologues and less as a conversation device.

_Hae: I’ll have to get back to work now._

_Teuk: Of course._

_Teuk: I will start the laundry._

_Teuk: I would have done it tomorrow morning, but I might as well do it now._

_Teuk: I can probably take it down and fold it tomorrow morning if I do it now._

_Teuk: Perfect. That’s a great idea._

_Teuk: Thanks, Hae._

_Hae: Anytime, Teuk._

Donghae was pretty sure that his masterful attempt of showing Teuk that his habit of using names in a conversation that only consisted of two people was weird fell on deaf ears. Still, he could not just witness breeches of text etiquette and not do anything about it.

Simply because he had to, Donghae ended up being really rather productive on Sunday. He got most of his work done and could look onto the new week with a bit less stress.

At least stress where uni was concerned. The whole Hyukjae and Siwon situation caused a lot more stress than he would have liked to admit.

He would have to accept the situation a lot quicker now that Teuk was set on inviting Siwon to their meetup too.

The time Donghae could have spent trying not to think about Hyukjae now needed to be invested in preparing himself to meet the person that had approached Hyukjae and won him over to help with speeches.

They had agreed to meet on Wednesday. This gave Donghae an unprecedented day more to prepare himself. And yet, when he was climbing the stairs to get to Teuk’s apartment, Donghae did not feel in any way ready.

In the past two days, Hyukjae had mentioned Siwon three more times. Twice, he had quoted him and once, he had written in the group chat that Siwon had agreed to come along on Wednesday.

Donghae rang the doorbell and waited for Teuk to open for the door for him.

“Who’s there?” a deep voice asked.

Donghae jumped and looked around and double checked to see whether he was in front of the right door.

“Ah, it’s you.” The door opened and Heechul grinned at him. “It’s Hae!” he called over his shoulder.

“Don’t traumatise the boy. We talked about this!” Teuk’s voice came from his kitchen.

“I wasn’t traumatised.” Donghae said, heart still beating a little too quickly.

“I think you were though.” Heechul said cheerfully. “Did you think I was Siwon?”

“Do you know him?” Donghae asked. He bit his lip. He had not meant to ask that and certainly not that quickly.

“I don’t, yet.” Heechul wiggled his eyebrows and laughed. “Relax. He’s Hyuk’s… friend. He’ll be nice.”  
Donghae’s blood ran cold. Siwon was Hyukjae’s friend, right? He was going to introduce him as his friend, right?

Teuk called for Donghae from the kitchen, and Donghae thankfully walked over immediately after kicking off his shoes.

Teuk made true on his promise and showed Donghae just how he had cleaned the countertops. Donghae did think it was relatively interesting, but his main motivation to pay attention was obviously not to listen out to when Hyukjae and Siwon were going to get there.

The doorbell rang, and they could hear Heechul jumping up to open the door.

“Welcome to the Lee-tle Mansion.” He said after opening the door.

“We did not formally agree on that name!” Teuk shouted next to Donghae, making him jump.

“It is perfect so there was nothing to discuss!” Heechul shouted back. “Do come in.”

“I am sorry Siwon. This is him on his best behaviour already.” Hyukjae sounded cheerful. Of course, Donghae only ever wanted to hear him be cheerful or be the one to cheer him up when he wasn’t. However, hearing him be cheerful with someone Donghae had never met felt weird.

“Go on into the living room, we’re nearly done here.” Teuk shouted and did appear to already finish putting the tray together. This was too quick for Donghae, but he also did not have any valid reason to stay inside the kitchen.

He followed Teuk, hiding behind him a little. He did not love being small, but it was certainly convenient to be able to hide even behind a stick such like Teuk.

They arrived in the living room, Teuk’s place being slightly bigger than Donghae’s, but obviously also no palace.

Teuk placed the tray down. Donghae monitored his movements minutely, mainly not to have to make eye contact with anyone else in the room.

Teuk stood straight again and stepped out of the line of view so that Donghae was forced to look at Siwon too.

“Wow. You are tall.” Teuk said and then quickly went to introduce himself. He was even kind enough to introduce Donghae too, who simply had to bow but could otherwise stay within his thoughts.

Siwon was not only tall, he was very handsome too. He had deep black hair, held himself with confidence and when he smiled, there were enchanting dimples in his cheeks.

He looked clever and kind. Donghae was intimidated, but he could also not deny that there was nothing he could dislike about Siwon’s appearance.

It was typical really that the one friend of Hyukjae’s Donghae had not heard before and had intimidated him with that alone, had to be a vision of a man.

Anyone approaching Hyukjae to talk to him after seeing him dance was sure to have a healthy sense of judgement. It was not really surprising that Hyukjae would have a friend like that.

And yet, Donghae would have much preferred if Hyukjae had found a friend that was more on like Donghae’s level in terms of looks.

“It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for allowing me to crash this get together.” Of course, Siwon’s voice was deep and full too. Of course, it was soft and made you want to listen to it more.

“You’re more than welcome.” Teuk clapped his hands and ushered everyone to sit down on the couches.

Hyukjae sat down next to Siwon and Heechul. Donghae stuck to Teuk and sat down at the other end of the couch.

“What is it that you do again?” Heechul asked, handing out cans of beer to everyone.

“I am studying economics, but I am very interest in humanitarian cases too.”

“That’s what he’s doing all those speeches for.” Hyukjae said. Donghae looked up from the can and saw that Hyukjae was looking at him. He quickly smiled and then turned to the side a little to take a sip of beer.

Teuk lead the following few minutes of conversation with a series of questions. Donghae found it very easy to sink back into the couch behind him. Hopefully, he still looked like he was paying attention.

It was simply that listening to Siwon answer in a perfect manner was a bit easier to bear when he did not have to look at his perfect features at the same time.

While listening to Siwon speak, Donghae had to admit that there was not just superficially nothing he did not like about Siwon. He also spoke kindly and with passion about humanitarian things. He was serious about wanting to help people.

Donghae tried to see whether Siwon was only putting on a show, but then he glanced at him and saw his big eyes nearly glistering with tears.

  
Donghae was ashamed of himself and looked away again. Why would the first thing he did to a stranger was question whether they were speaking the truth? Not just any stranger too. It was a friend of Hyukjae’s! Donghae should jump over his jealousy and accept that Hyukjae knew how to make judgements.

“What do you do, Donghae?”

Donghae jumped at Siwon’s sudden question and spilled a little bit of beer onto his chin.

“Oh, darling.” Teuk cooed and grabbed a napkin to wipe the beer off his chin.

Donghae felt himself blush and quickly sat up, but the damage was done. His image that he had not even decided on was ruined.

“Don’t embarrass the boy.” Heechul laughed.

“Don’t call him ‘boy’.” Hyukjae said. He was not looking at anyone.

Donghae obviously felt good about Hyukjae defending him, but he also did not feel any less embarrassed. Trust his friends to make him feel best and worst at the exact same time.

“What should we call him then?” Teuk asked provocatively.

“Sweetiepie? Darling? Lee Donghae?” Heechul suggested.

“Hae works, I should think.” Hyukjae motioned to throw his empty can at Heechul, but Teuk started screaming so he did not actually throw it.

“Can I call you Hae too?” Siwon asked.

Donghae turned to him and was met with a blinding smile. It was not as impactful as Hyukjae’s, but no smile could ever be. However, it was bright and kind enough for Donghae to almost immediately throw all concerns and worries overboard. He liked Siwon and there was nothing he could do about it.

“Of course.” Donghae answered.

“Thank you! So, what do you do, Hae? Hyuk mentioned something with arts?” Siwon smiled. Donghae felt his heart sink a little. Siwon got to call Hyukjae Hyuk?

Donghae quickly reminded himself that he had literally allowed Siwon to call him Hae too, so he needed to stop having double standards. 

Somehow, Donghae managed to get through the conversation with Siwon without more internal chidings. Even when Teuk, Heechul, and Hyukjae got up to put on music and get some more drinks.

Heechul had no need to get up, but that never stopped him from moving.

Still, even abandoned by his friends, Donghae managed to talk to Siwon. Siwon was easy to talk to. He was interested and knew a little bit about music too, Western music as well, which was always fun to talk about at least for its exotic value.

“How old are you, by the way?” Siwon asked. Donghae had addressed him polite the entire time. He had been raised like that and Siwon oozed enough authority to demand polite speech.

“I was born in October 1986.”

“1986?” Siwon smiled.

“Yes. Like Hyuk.” Donghae answered.

“Yes. And me. I was born April 1986.”

“Like Hyuk?” Donghae gasped.

“I look younger, I know.” Siwon winked at him. “Hyuk is a couple of days older than me.”

“Woah.”

“What are you so shocked about?” Hyukjae asked and dropped down in between Donghae and Siwon.

“We’re all friends.” Donghae said. “Same year friends.”

“Yeah.” Hyukjae laughed. “Though technically, I am of course your Hyung.”

Heechul and Teuk returned as well, and soon Donghae managed to not think about Hyukjae being close to him.

The evening progressed nicely. Hyukjae was soon getting a little tipsy. Siwon did not get all too drunk, and Heechul had an unfair tolerance anyway. Teuk had started drinking water in between right from the off and had pushed a glass of water over to Donghae too.

Donghae was feeling good, as in not sick or plagued by a headache, and he started to warm up to the general situation too.

At some point, Hyukjae wanted to prove that he was brilliant at learning numbers by heart. Especially phone numbers.

“I even know your landline, Heechul!” Hyukjae shouted.

“I am duly impressed.” Heechul replied dryly. “Even more so because I don’t have a landline.”

Hyukjae shrugged and turned to Siwon. “I _am_ brilliant with numbers.”

“Strings of numbers or calculating?” Siwon asked.

“Well, strings first and foremost.” Hyukjae said. “I remember your phone number.” He poked Siwon in the chest and chanted off the numbers.

Siwon laughed and nodded. “Correct.”

Donghae turned slightly away. He liked Siwon, but he did not like Hyukjae touching him.

“You know recent numbers then. I bet you don’t know my number.” Teuk said.

“I do!” Hyukjae said and stumbled through some numbers.

“Fail!” Teuk shouted and laughed.

“I do know Hae’s number.”

“Of course, you do.” Heechul mumbled, but Donghae did not pay him much attention. He was too busy not showing any reaction.

Hyukjae did not wait for further encouragement and recited Donghae’s number.

“Correct.” Donghae said faintly. He tried to be quiet but the fact that his voice was weak annoyed him.

“Told you!” Hyukjae said proudly and poked his tongue out at Heechul.

“You go and get new snacks if you can’t do your own number.” Heechul cocked up an eyebrow and grinned smugly.

“Of course, I can do my own!” Hyukjae gasped and proudly said a number.

“Wrong.” Donghae whispered before he could help himself.

“Wrong?” Hyukjae’s proud smile slipped off his face. Heechul laughed. “Is it really?”

“Yeah.” Donghae said and tried to be nonchalant.

“Show me.” Hyukjae demanded.

“What?” Donghae asked but then Hyukjae had already thrown himself over him to reach for the phone inside his pocket.

“You still haven’t locked it?” Hyukjae shook his head.

“It doesn’t usually get stolen.” Donghae said and was proud to report that his heartbeat was essentially back to normal already.

Hyukjae clicked his way through Donghae’s phone until he found his own contact and checked his number.

“You’re right.” Hyukjae said dejectedly. Donghae was angry with himself for being the cause of that.

Siwon leaned over Hyukjae’s shoulder to glance at the screen.

“Mine?” he asked and looked at Hyukjae with an amused smile.

“Mh?” Hyukjae asked and looked at him.

Siwon pointed at the screen, and Donghae felt his blood run cold.

“Oh.” Hyukjae laughed but it sounded fake. “I must have saved myself like that when I was drunk.” He laughed some more. Siwon joined in and put an arm around Hyukjae’s shoulder.

Donghae turned away and quickly took a sip of what turned out to be water. At least, it was a distraction.

Not only did Hyukjae not care for him, Siwon also had liberties to touch him whenever.

The rest of the evening, Donghae kept quiet. It did not take long before Teuk stood up and unceremoniously told them it was time to leave.

Heechul deemed himself responsible for the ceremonies and kept up a commentary of everything everyone did until they reached the front door.

“Bye, it was lovely having you!” Heechul said and opened the door.

“I want you gone most of everyone.” Teuk said and threw one of Heechul’s shoes at him.

“I’m hurt.”

“Shame.” Teuk answered and turned to Donghae. “Can you wait a little? I want to show you something.”

“Of course!” Donghae said quicky. He was relieved not to have to walk next to Siwon and Hyukjae.

“Favouritism.” Heechul mumbled but left without much more fuss with Siwon and Hyukjae.

All Teuk wanted to show Donghae was his method of rinsing glasses to leave least cloudy residue. Donghae did not really know why Teuk was convinced he cared for it all that much, but he was more than thankful for the lifeline.

“I need to get going now.” Donghae said when Teuk looked like he wanted to also teach Donghae about the best ways to organise a fridge.

“Of course, dear.” Teuk said and accompanied Donghae to the door.

It was a shame really that Donghae did not mind the endearment when it was said in privacy. It was a shame because he could not let Teuk know without him thinking he had a reason to call him that at all times.

“You did very well today, by the way.” Teuk said.

“Me?” Donghae slipped into his shoes and frowned at Teuk.

“You talked well. You don’t love strangers, but you were brave and forward today. I am proud of you.”

Donghae blushed a little. “Thank you. Siwon is easy to talk to.”

“I thought you might be intimidated because of his good looks.” Teuk grinned.

“No.” Donghae said quickly. “I talk to you all the time.” He laughed which was thankfully enough to distract Teuk and not press further.

Donghae left Teuk and briskly walked home. He managed to avoid most thoughts about Siwon and Hyukjae and made it into his bed.

Falling asleep without dealing with his thoughts probably meant that they would burst forward at any given moment, but for now, he wanted peace, quiet, and rest.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're having a geat day! <3 Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 8  _

Donghae was not completely broken after the meeting with Hyukjae and Siwon at Teuk’s place. That would have been too soon.

No, he was fine, mostly.

He decided not to think about matters when he went to bed on Wednesday, which was why, on Thursday, he kept dreading the load of thoughts looking for an outlet.

After his morning shower, as soon as Donghae stepped into the living area of his apartment, a sigh fell off him. He made himself jump with the unexpected sound.

Hyukjae looked happy with Siwon.

Wasn’t that all Donghae had ever wanted? Wasn’t that his goal in life to see Hyukjae happy when he could not be the one to make him happy?

Donghae felt his stomach drop. He apparently did not yet want to accept that he was not going to be the one to make Hyukjae happy.

Donghae shook his head to get rid of that particular thought. It would hardly help him with getting rid of any obtrusive thoughts.

Siwon was nice.

Donghae decided to start with the basics.

Siwon was very nice indeed. He was well spoken and funny even on top of being handsome.

There was no denying that Donghae was jealous. But he was also somewhat sensible enough not to despise Siwon because of his own internal problems.

Siwon was nice and decidedly luckier than Donghae, but that was not Siwon’s fault.

Siwon was handsome and kind. Of course, Hyukjae would not mind being touched by him. It was a different story with Donghae but that was to be expected.

Hyukjae did not forbid Donghae to touch him, but he did shrink away, and he certainly had not been comfortable enough to let Donghae touch him this early into their friendship as he had done with Siwon.

It was obviously not a competition either, but it was telling anyways. Donghae was more of a younger brother to Hyukjae than Siwon was. There was more of an age difference between them, even if they were all born in the same year. Siwon was simply lucky enough to be born close enough to be looked at like an equal. He did not seem like a younger brother and therefore, he was not out of bounds of being a boyfriend.

Donghae stopped in his tracks and sat down on the carpet, about half a metre away from his bed.

Was Siwon really Hyukjae’s boyfriend?

They had seemed close enough to be potential boyfriends.

It felt like the last bit of strength the delirious hope had provided Donghae with left his body. He slumped together until his nose touched the floor.

He sat like that until he felt a strain in his back. He could not let potential heart break be the cause for actual bodily immobility.

It was not certain that Siwon was Hyukjae’s boyfriend yet. There was good enough a chance that he might potentially one day be his boyfriend, but there was nothing set in stone yet.

Hyukjae had not told him that Siwon was his boyfriend. They had been close, but Siwon had been introduced as a friend, nothing more and nothing less.

Donghae got up and stuffed a pack of ramen into his bag and made his way to uni.

Thursdays, he did not have much to do, but he could better spend time inside a practice room playing a bit of piano while having dry ramen as breakfast than just staying at home. He would not think too much about Hyukjae here. Or so he hoped.

Donghae should just give up hoping completely. Of course, he would think about Hyukjae when working on music. The two were intertwined. He could not do music and keep the image of Hyukjae’s happy smile out of his mind. A good song sounded the way Hyukjae’s smile looked, after all.

The good thing about retreating to the studio was mainly that Donghae thought about Hyukjae and Hyukjae alone. At home, he would have probably thought about Siwon too. Thinking about Hyukjae was taxing but it was not as disheartening as adding Siwon to the mix was.

After spending a good half hour calming himself down with his favourite pieces, Donghae joined his classmates in the lecture room and got ready to take notes.

The lecture and even the rest of the day passed swiftly. Donghae was back in front of his apartment before he could have even started thinking about Hyukjae and Siwon together.

Donghae was glad not to have had a breakdown outside of the comfort of his own place, but he also knew that once again, the big load of thoughts was yet waiting for him.

Donghae put in his door code and placed his bag on his chair. There was not much work he needed to do. He got changed into his pyjamas, washed up and made a quick dinner.

He put on film after film while scribbling down some notes that would make it easy for him to pretend he had done his homework.

Sometime along the fourth film, Donghae felt his eyes droop. He was pushing thoughts away, he was very aware, but he was not stupid enough to miss out on the opportunity to welcome sleep.

_Mine: My classes got cancelled. Are you free in the afternoon?_

Donghae was unsurprisingly confused and elated to wake up to this message from Hyukjae. Donghae had classes late in the morning so could allow himself a bit of a lie in.

Hyukjae was not always up early. The classes must have been cancelled last minute.

_Mine: You can do some work here. I just want to see someone today._

_Hae: Of course. I’ll come right after classes._

Hyukjae quickly answered with celebratory emojis and then promised to buy some ingredients for some sort of lunch.

Donghae could not stop smiling for quite some while after that, but he was alone, so there was no danger of anyone seeing. It was clever to get the smiles out of his system now so that he could be normal around Hyukjae later.

Being normal around Hyukjae would of course have been much easier if he had not greeted him with such a relieved expression on his face.

“Did you think I wouldn’t come?” Donghae asked, sliding out of his shoes and getting out of his jacket.

“There is always the danger that one of your classmates stalls you.”

Donghae was pretty sure that with Siwon Hyukjae had proven that he was more in danger of doing that than he was.

“Lunch first or work first?” Hyukjae asked, clearly on the way into the kitchen.

“Lunch.” Donghae said and was rewarded with a bright smile.

After lunch, which was a surprisingly well balanced, Donghae settled into the sofa. Hyukjae had ushered him out of the kitchen to do the washing up after Donghae had taken the lead in the kitchen.

Sitting on the sofa, Donghae felt himself getting too comfortable.

He was in a cosy sofa, well-fed and surrounded by everything Hyukjae. The cushion smelled like Hyukjae, the heap of dancing clothes and shoes in the corner were evidently Hyukjae too. Even the big, unopened parcel was decidedly Hyukjae too.

Before Donghae could lull himself into passiveness, he slid down the sofa to sit on the floor. He opened his books and started reading the chapter he had been assigned.

“Do you need to concentrate?” Hyukjae’s voice appearing next to him suddenly made Donghae jump a little.

“I do have to work.”

“But is it difficult?”

“Why?” Donghae looked at Hyukjae and was a little surprised to see that he seemed nervous. Or uncomfortable maybe. Both of which did not make sense. Donghae was at his home. If Hyukjae wanted to do something, he could just do it. He did not need to worry what Donghae thought about it.

“Can I put on the television?”

“Of course.” Donghae laughed. “

Hyukjae grabbed the remote for which he had to lean over Donghae.

“What’s in that parcel over there?” Donghae asked quickly.

“A tent?”

“Tent?” Donghae frowned and felt a little easier once Hyukjae had put some distance between them again. “Are you going on a trip?”

“No. It’s just for some cosiness. The living room is too big.” Hyukjae shrugged.

“Amazing.”

Hyukjae’s head whipped around to look at Donghae. “You like the tent?”

“I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s a great idea.”

“It will feel more like a home, I hope.” Hyukjae smiled.

“Do you need help setting it up?”

“Mmh.” Hyukjae worried his lip between his teeth. “You have work to do…”

“I can’t work on a full stomach anyways.” Donghae said quickly. “Let’s put it together, and then, I can work.”

“Deal.” Hyukjae jumped up and slid over to the parcel. He dropped onto his knees and excitedly began tearing at the cardboard.

Donghae forced himself to take a deep breath and then joined Hyukjae, sitting down cross legged with a bit of a distance between him and Hyukjae.

“How big is the tent exactly?” Donghae asked when he tried pulling the parcel a little closer to himself and struggled a little.

“It fits two easily.”

Donghae risked a glance at Hyukjae. He had not expected him to have said that as an invitation. Hyukjae was not looking at him. He had not thought about Donghae at all.

That was or should have been his clue to not to give way to the image that popped up in his head. Donghae lying in the tent with Hyukjae crawling in next to him, snuggling into his chest softly talking about his day.

Donghae dropped one of the wooden pillars and made both him and Hyukjae jump.

“You alright?” Hyukjae laughed. “You just had lunch. Shouldn’t you be full of energy?”

“I have my weak moments.” Donghae pulled his mouth into a smile and picked up the pillar again.

“You should go to the gym, but don’t bulk up. This is enough.” Hyukjae grabbed Donghae’s arm and kneaded a little. It was by pure force of will that Donghae did not drop the pillar again. 

“You think I should go to the gym?” Donghae knew that the thought would not leave him anytime soon. It would be better to address it himself in which case. It would make it easier for him to pretend he was completely fine and non-plussed by the comment.

“Sure.”

“Is that a dig at me being unfit?”

“No!” Hyukjae looked shocked.

“It’s just that you’re fitter, right?”

“Yes… no!” Hyukjae groaned. “You are perfect…ly fine the way you are. Working out helps everyone. That’s all.”

“I was just joking.” Donghae was delighted about having won the upper hand in this precarious situation.

“It would obviously help for you to be able to dance along better with me.” Hyukjae nudged him, unaware of the cardiac arrest he installed in Donghae.

“Me dancing with you?”

“Yes, you do that sometimes, don’t you?”

“Yes. Do you like that?”

“Of course, I do!” Hyukjae rolled his eyes.

Donghae turned back to the tent and tried coming to terms with this particular piece of information. He had always found it fun to dance with Hyukjae, but he would have never thought that Hyukjae, a professional dancer, liked it too.

The pillars of the tent were heavy and sturdy but not difficult to assemble. Donghae and Hyukjae worked well together and soon, they had a beautifully cream coloured tent standing proudly in the middle of the living room.

“Thank you!” Hyukjae put his arm around Donghae’s shoulders and squeezed.

“You’re welcome.” Donghae answered and applauded both them and himself for somehow getting through the activity without losing his mind.

“You get back to work and I’ll furbish the tent.” Hyukjae pushed Donghae to the sofa. He stumbled and fell down. “Sorry.” Hyukjae laughed and disappeared into his bedroom.

He kept running around the room, excitedly gathering things he needed to fill the tent with. Donghae managed to get through his work, but he was concentrating as much as he possibly could have if he had been on his own.

Hyukjae spewed too much energy for Donghae to be able to look exclusively on his pages.

“Done!” Hyukjae declared proudly and fell down on the sofa next to Donghae. “Are you done?”

“Almost.” Donghae did not look up. He really was nearly done, so distracting himself on the finish line was stupid.

“Great.”

“You can already go inside.” Donghae said, still not looking up.

“Nah. Where would the fun be in that? Get done quickly and we’ll test it out together.”

“I’ll be quick.” Donghae mumbled and forced himself to calm down before finishing the one page.

“You done?” Hyukjae asked as soon as Donghae placed his pen down. Had he watched him?

“Yes.” Donghae said and was swiftly pulled up by Hyukjae.

“I invite you as the first guest to the most fabulous tent the world has ever seen.”

“After you.” Donghae said a little awkwardly. It would be better to keep as far away from that ridiculous daydream he had had as possible.

Hyukjae crawled into the tent and looked at Donghae with shining eyes which was difficult to bear but still easier than him crawling towards him with that smile would have been.

“This is very cosy.” Donghae kneeled but was pulled into a lying position by Hyukjae.

“Very.” He agreed and sighed. “I have always dreamed of this. It’s my bit of eccentricity.”

“It’s not that eccentric.”

“It is unnecessary though.”

“It makes you happy. It’s absolutely not unnecessary.”

Hyukjae laughed. He sounded happy, so Donghae let it pass that once again, Hyukjae had failed to grasp the level of truth in what he had said.

“I could stay here forever.”

Donghae glanced over and saw that Hyukjae had his eyes closed.

“I better not disturb.” Donghae tried to make a move for the exit.

“Don’t be ridiculous. With you.” Hyukjae said and laced his arm through Donghae’s.

Donghae lay very still until he could breathe normally again. “A very attractive offer.” He said honestly. “But I have a bit more work to do.” He lied.

“I thought you were done.”

“With that part, yes. There is more.”

“There always is.” Hyukjae sighed and let go off Donghae’s arm.

“You can stay here.” Donghae offered.

“No. I feel bad for seeing you work.” Hyukjae sat up. “We can always come back and reward ourselves after the work.” He added and lay the groundwork for a very unfocused study session for Donghae. Luckily, there was nothing he actually needed done. He just needed a bit of distance to Hyukjae.

Donghae made it safely out of the tent and got comfortable against the sofa once more. Hyukjae followed him outside and put the television on. Without saying anything, he disappeared towards the kitchen.

Donghae heard some noises he could not immediately classify. Only moments before Hyukjae turned around the corner did Donghae realise he had torn washing off a clothing rag and was now going to come into the living with a basket full of laundry.

The split moment the realisation hit Donghae was by far not enough to prepare him for the sight.

There was something about Hyukjae with a basket propped up on his hip like that. He felt the laundry absentmindedly and set the basked down on the floor before sitting down with his legs crossed, eyes fixed on the screen.

Hyukjae looked like a father.

Donghae’s heartrate sped up. Yes. Hyukjae looked like a father. A perfect father. A caring father. A gorgeous father. A realisation of his dream.

“Hae?”

“Yes?”   
Donghae had been surprised too many times now. He had not had this many slip ups in a long time.

“Do you want a drink?”

“Sure.” Donghae

Hyukjae returned with some drinks and as long as he did not comment on the show that was running on television, Donghae even managed to concentrate and work through his pages.

Donghae even stuck to his pages after he had read two chapters more than he had to. Hyukjae was not yet done folding all pieces, so not looking at him was still the most sensible way to go.

Only when Hyukjae got up did Donghae pretend to finish his page too.

“Should we order some food?” Hyukjae asked him, his head tilted to the side.

“That would be nice.” Donghae answered. Hyukjae had not yet asked him to leave. Eating with him was a bonus to a day that had been way too good already. It was surreally good, so it made sense to make use of that and really enjoy every benefit he could.

Dinner with Hyukjae while watching the television was not that difficult to bear. Hyukjae focused on the screen and the food was tasty enough to keep Donghae from looking at Hyukjae too.

“That was delicious.” Hyukjae leaned back and patted his non-existent stomach. He was toned and lean. Not even a full dinner could alter anything about that.

“Very nice.” Donghae agreed.

“Do you have to get up early tomorrow?”

“No?” Donghae was careful. He always had to be careful around Hyukjae. At least it was a good idea to be.

“Good. We’re moving to the tent in which case.” Hyukjae announced and jumped up. He quickly carried the boxes into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of nuts.

“You’re not in the tent yet.” Hyukjae remarked.

“No. After you.” Donghae forced out, still resisting his daydream from earlier.

“No. You prefer being close to the wall. You go first.”

The alternative to not seeing Hyukjae crawl towards him was broadcasting his blush to him which truly was no alternative at all.

Donghae shrugged and made his way over to the tent, completely neutral, not fussed at all.

Donghae lied down and closed his eyes.

“Move. I am not that tiny.” Hyukjae laughed. Donghae opened his eyes. Big mistake. Hyukjae’s bright smile was even more beautiful than he had imagined.

“You are pretty tiny.” Donghae mumbled. Tiny enough to want to protect, in any case.

“That’s what Siwon always says.” Hyukjae sighed.

Donghae felt cold. He might have to be thankful that Hyukjae brought Siwon up. At least now, he was not in danger of pretending this meant anything to Hyukjae.

Hyukjae was being his friend. They spent time together the way they always did. This did not mean anything more than that.

“Mmh.” Donghae answered.

“He does not say many nice things about me, actually.” Hyukjae laughed.

“Mmh?”

“No. It’s nothing. He is just teasing.” Hyukjae looked happy. He liked being teased by Siwon. Siwon was probably teasing him in a very loving way. Donghae had no reason and no right to worry.

“What film do you want to watch?” Hyukjae pulled his computer into the tent and balanced it on his stomach.

“I don’t really care.”

“Let’s watch this one. Siwon said it’s great.”

Donghae tried to enjoy the film. It was not a bad film. However, watching something Hyukjae wanted to watch because Siwon had recommended it immediately took some of the fun away for him.

That was his fault and not the film’s, so he kept his review very neutral when Hyukjae asked for his opinion in the end.

“I think I better get home now.” Donghae said when Hyukjae started looking for another film to watch.

“Or you could sleep over…”

“I better get some work done tomorrow morning. We’ll see each other in the afternoon, won’t we?” Donghae asked.

“Yeah.” Hyukjae sounded a little sad but then, he smiled at Donghae again. “If you don’t have time to go to the gym, you might get some exercise with the walking.”

“Is that you saying I should lose some weight?” Donghae raised an eyebrow and followed Hyukjae out of the tent.

“No.” Hyukjae’s eyes widened. “Absolutely not!”

“I did think I looked decent right now.” Donghae grinned. It was fun to tease Hyukjae and have some share of the power in the conversation.

“More than decent.” Hyukjae said quietly.

Unsurprisingly, Donghae no longer felt like he had any sort of power at all.

“Get home safely!” Hyukjae said loudly. They were still standing in the living room. Hyukjae frowned a little at himself and then started laughing. Donghae joined in. Anything to not have to tell himself off for being so eager to be deluded by his own thoughts.

“I’ll do my best.” Donghae said and walked to the front door after grabbing his bag and books.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Hyukjae leaned against the wall with his arms folded.

“Yes. Early afternoon?”

“Yes. I can help Siwon in the morning then.”

The somewhat fuzzy feeling inside Donghae’s chest left him almost immediately. He was an appointment in Hyukjae’s day. Hyukjae was the highlight and priority of his day, but Donghae could not expect to be the same for him.

“See you tomorrow, Hyuk.” Donghae smiled and opened the door. He felt tired all of a sudden too.

“Bye, Hae.” Hyukjae returned the smile and waved a little before closing the door.

Donghae held the sigh in until he was safely enclosed in the lift. It hurt that Donghae was happy to be with Hyukjae but that that happiness was apparently fragile enough to be toned down by any mention of Siwon’s name.

Still, none of this meant he could not look forward to meeting Hyukjae again the next day. Only spending more time with him with the awareness of the existence Siwon at the back of his mind could potentially prepare Donghae for what was inevitably going to be his future.

A future with Hyukjae, but also Siwon.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to be a bit later than usual! :) I hope you're all doing well! Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 9  _

Donghae managed relatively well to get through both Friday night and Saturday morning. He did so with his tested and approved method of getting ready for and into bed quickly while continuously watching films. On Saturday morning, he stayed in bed watching films and got up to get ready quickly and then do some work.

He did not give himself much room to think and only that way did he manage to get a little bit done.

When it came to choosing an outfit to put on for his meeting with Hyukjae, Donghae first really started thinking about the day Hyukjae must have had.

Donghae was going to be a part of his day, but he would not make his day.

Donghae sighed and looked at his pale chest in the mirror. He really needed to get over himself. He still got to spend time with Hyukjae. That was what he had to focus on now, not his hurt feelings.

He pulled out a plain black shirt and grabbed his black leather jacket. He did wear this combo occasionally so Hyukjae would not guess to make a connection to Donghae’s feelings.

The walk to Hyukjae’s place was short as always. Donghae was relieved to note that he was happy to get to Hyukjae. He was not jealous enough to sabotage his own time with Hyukjae. At least, he wasn’t, yet.

Donghae knocked on Hyukjae’s door and waited with a fast-beating heart for him to open the door. The absence of stairs made it impossible to blame the fast-beating heart on anything but Donghae’s feelings for Hyukjae.

The door opened, and Hyukjae smiled at him.

“Do you have a café in mind that you want to try out?” Donghae asked instead of greeting him the way a normal person might have done.

“No. A new one. We’ll find one, I am sure.” Hyukjae said cheerfully.

Donghae was relieved to see that Hyukjae was calm and happy. Maybe, he simply did have a bad day the last time they had gone out.

Today, everything was going to be back to normal, probably.

After grabbing everything they needed, Donghae and Hyukjae made their way out of the building and towards the first park they could think of.

A young woman lost one of her gloves at the entrance of the park. Donghae quickly picked it up and handed it back to her. She smiled, Donghae bowed and went back to Hyukjae’s side.

Hyukjae grimaced at him but then started talking about dancing so Donghae could not be sure if anything was amiss or not.

Hyukjae pointed to the first café they walked past. Donghae was confused as he usually picked something after a bit more consideration. Hyukjae liked to be certain he would like the food and drinks available, but this time he seemed eager to escape the park.

All of this was maybe a little weird but also did not cause too much of a concern.

“The chocolate cake looks good…” Donghae said looking at the counter.

“I’ll order.” Hyukjae interrupted him and pushed him towards the tables. “Pick a seat.”

Donghae smiled and walked over to an empty table next to a student bent over his computer. While sitting down, Donghae banged against his table a little and quickly bowed in apology.

“Don’t worry. I needed some shaking up.” The student grinned and took a sip of his iced americano.

“Is it not going well?” Donghae took his leather jacket off and put it over his chair.

“Not too well, but now, I will work well, I am sure.”

“Order is coming up.” Hyukjae’s voice made Donghae jump a little but not as much as the hand that he put on his shoulder.

The student raised his eyebrows, smiled quickly, and then turned back to his computer.

“I like to hear that.” Donghae replied once his heartrate had calmed down again.

“I got you your devil brew, don’t worry.”

“A lot of people like coffee.” Donghae rolled his eyes and motioned to the student next to them.

First, Hyukjae glanced over to the neighbouring table. He turned back to Donghae and said, with a pout: “It’s so bitter, though.”

“The cake is always sweet enough to balance it out.” Donghae smiled. He felt warm being pouted at by Hyukjae. He could not think about it too much, but on the surface level, he could very well enjoy himself.

Hyukjae was brisk and sufficient with the waiter and eagerly pushed the chocolate cake over to Donghae. He started eating his own strawberry cake and grinned happily.

While eating, they talked about the dos and don’ts of cake. Hyukjae was adamant about no vegetables entering his cake, but Donghae tried to gently convince him that a bit of beetroot did nothing bad to a chocolate cake.

Hyukjae argued back for the sake of arguing back, so Donghae knew he was feeling well.

Donghae was relaxed and happy about their outing. He should have been apprehensive. He could at least have wondered if everything was going too well. However, with banning Siwon from his mind to focus entirely on Hyukjae in front of him meant that he did not remember to worry.

However, at some point Hyukjae seemed to turn away from Donghae in some way. He was sitting in the same way, but he looked generally less happy and more turned in towards himself and less open towards Donghae.

Shortly after that, the student next to them got up and smiled at Donghae wishing him a good day. Donghae returned the wishes quickly and turned back to Hyukjae.

If that was possible, Hyukjae now looked even more closed in on himself.

“Are you alright?” Donghae asked carefully, arming himself with his cup of coffee to have something to do with his hands.

“Yeah.” Hyukjae finished his drink and pushed his hair back. “I might have to get back and do some more dancing.”

“No chance to do so this morning?” Donghae asked and wanted to kick himself in the shins. Why would he introduce Siwon?

“No. Siwon had stuff to talk about. I did some cleaning but couldn’t concentrate on dancing.”

Donghae remembered Hyukjae dancing while talking to him on the phone. He had been confused by the heavy breaths that came every now and then, but quickly forgot about them when Hyukjae confessed about dancing. Maybe, it was good that Siwon did not get to hear those breaths.

No, that was not the point to take away from this. Donghae had to calm down and accept that talking to Siwon was more interesting and demanded more attention than talking to Donghae could ever be.

“I see.” Donghae answered slowly. “At the studio?”

“No. The movements are slow but precise. I can do that in the living room.”

“Good.” Donghae nodded.

“Good?” There was a faint smile on Hyukjae’s face again.

“You don’t have to go out and leave again.” Donghae explained. Hyukjae would have neither believed him nor would he have listened to him had he said the truth. Hyukjae would not have taken his word for saying he was glad Hyukjae would not meet anyone. That was pure jealousy and Donghae was certain Hyukjae would be deaf to it.

“We better get going now.” Hyukjae said when Donghae put down his cup.

“Yeah.” Donghae got up and walked towards the door.

“You forgot your jacket, idiot.” Hyukjae laughed. Donghae opened the door and stepped outside before holding out his hand to take the jacket.

Hyukjae rolled his eyes and turned him around to help him into his jacket. “You would not survive a day without me.” Hyukjae mumbled and stepped aside.

Donghae did not comment, he did not even hum. He was pretty sure his hum would have been broken anyway.

On the walk back, Donghae tried to think back and find a reason for Hyukjae’s change in behaviour. Right now, Hyukjae seemed quite content again, which made it even more difficult.

Even when they stepped inside one of the lifts inside Hyukjae’s building, Donghae had not found an answer.

“I still need to dance, but you can have a glass of water before going home.”

Donghae did not comment on the inappropriate use of the word ‘home’, nor did he react to being uninvited by Hyukjae just like that.

“That would be nice.” Donghae said instead and followed Hyukjae out of the door. Hyukjae hid the screen pad from Donghae, but Donghae had instinctively turned away already anyway.

Donghae kicked off his shoes inside and went into the kitchen to get them both a glass of water.

“Is the choreo going well?” Donghae asked, handing Hyukjae his glass. He sat down on the sofa next to him and tried not looking at the tent as it would stir memories.

“It should be an easy one, but I am struggling a little.” Donghae rubbed his forehead. “I think we better stop going out.”

“What?” Donghae laughed.

“The trips on Saturday. I think we better stop.” Hyukjae repeated. He sounded serious. He looked serious. There was no cheeky glint in his eyes. He was not joking.

“Oh. Why?” Donghae asked.

“I don’t really feel like it.” Hyukjae answered after a while.

“That’s not a good reason.” Donghae tried to keep the hurt from his voice.

“It pulls me out of a productive streak.”

“You need some time out.”

“Not right now. I need to concentrate on dancing.” Hyukjae took a sip of water. “On the weekend. A short break during the week is fine.”

“So we’ll still see each other?”

Hyukjae turned around to him quickly. “Of course. I just don’t… have the time and head to go out on Saturdays right now.”

“Okay.” Donghae nodded. This was not the end of their friendship. This was maybe a short break in their close friendship, but he would still see Hyukjae. He would still be close to him.

“I am not pushing you away. I simply have to pay the price for not being as structured as you from the beginning.” Hyukjae winced a little while saying this.

“You are not unstructured, and I am not that structured.”

“I heartily disagree.” Hyukjae smiled. He looked tired.

Donghae finished his water and stood up. “Have fun dancing.”

“You’re leaving?”

“Yes. The cake was delicious. Thank you for taking the time today.” Donghae smiled and took Hyukjae’s offered hand to pull him up.

“You’re welcome.” Hyukjae didn’t look at him, but he squeezed his hand. Donghae would take what he could.

“Get home safely!” Hyukjae called after Donghae when he stepped outside and walked to the lift.

Donghae turned around and waved. He would most probably see Hyukjae again in the next week. Today had been weird, but not terrible. Things were not perfect but not too far off from normal. Everything would be fine.

If anything, he could now take some time to solidify his feelings a little bit so that he could put them in a box that would not interfere with his daily life.

As with all of Donghae’s great ideas, this one also did not work out terribly well.

He managed to get through the rest of the weekend relatively well, but on Monday, at the fresh start of the week, he felt discouraged.

Hyukjae’s texts came decidedly less frequent and whenever his screen did light up with a message, he felt a pang in his heart whenever he saw the way he had saved Hyukjae in his contacts.

Hyukjae was now as far away from being _his_ as he had ever been.

Even if Hyukjae did not text him all too frequently, it was frequent enough for Donghae to know what he was up to.

Also, when they met at Teuk’s place again, everything seemed fine. Siwon could not tag along that time which Donghae was not even all too happy about. He was relieved, which felt horrible, not to have to share Hyukjae with anyone but Heechul and Teuk, the way it has always been. But he did not rejoice over the fact that Siwon was not there.

The evening did not go on for too long as Teuk had to work early the next day. The time they had, however, had been relaxing as usual.

Donghae felt a little better about himself and even his relationship with Hyukjae, until, the next day, Hyukjae did not text him once.

On Thursday, Donghae woke up to a very late text Hyukjae had sent when Donghae had already been asleep. It was only a brief apology for having been busy the whole day, but it was certainly something.

Before Donghae answered Hyukjae, he wrote a couple of texts to Teuk. He would have to pay for that careless behaviour later, when he would have to work his way through the masses of replies. However, it was the best method he could think of that enabled him to get all the unnecessary bits out of his system that he wanted to share with Hyukjae. Hyukjae was not very fond of walls of text, so writing only one or two messages after getting rid of everything else with Teuk, was the best way to go.

It did not take too long for Hyukjae to answer Donghae this time. He slept longer than Donghae did, but before Donghae sat down for his first course, did his phone announce a message.

_Mine: You get up too early, you make me feel bad about myself._

_Hae: I didn’t dance late into the night._

_Mine: Is that another dig?_

_Hae: Nothing is a dig. It’s fine for you to sleep longer than me!_

_Mine: Sadly, my professors are more judgemental than you. Not that that’s particularly hard._

Donghae smiled. He was well aware that he always thought that any positive word from Hyukjae was a big compliment and that that was maybe a problem. The words made him happy, however, so he was going to focus on that, without obsessing over it, that was the plan, at least. 

_Mine: Do you have good courses today?_

Two messages in a row? Donghae was getting spoiled by all the attention from Hyukjae. He would have to answer quickly in order not to lose the streak and even worse, Hyukjae’s interest.

_Hae: It’s alright. I might not even get too many tasks to finish._

_Mine: Lucky you. I’ll get drowned in it again. Judgmental ruthless people pretend to teach me here._

Donghae smiled, knowing that Hyukjae was one of the politest people when it came to talking to teachers. He only ever complained about them to people he knew well. He did not bash them unnecessarily, which was kind and probably not worth many praises, but it was still one of the many things Donghae loved about Hyukjae.

Hyukjae wrote a quick note that the professor had arrived and was now starting the lesson. Donghae just sent one thumbs up and put his phone away too.

Classes were not terribly asking that day, and Donghae did not even get too many tasks that needed immediate completion.

When classes were over, Donghae stood in front of the building for seven whole minutes before deciding to be brave and walked towards Hyukjae’s home and not his own place. Hyukjae was busy working on homework. He did not want to spend time with Donghae on Saturdays, but that did not mean they could not work together during the week.

Donghae stepped into the lift. He had not been here more often than to his own place, and yet, it felt a lot nicer to come here. Donghae was going to see Hyukjae, which added a lot of comfort, but just in general, coming here to see someone was nicer than coming to his lonely place.

In front of Hyukjae’s door, Donghae felt a not unfamiliar rush of excitement. He knew the door code. He could theoretically just walk inside Hyukjae’s place and make himself comfortable in the tent.

He was not about to test Hyukjae’s tolerance of him though. If Saturdays with him felt too much, surely, and unprecedented visit might not be the way to go about things.

Donghae rang the doorbell and waited for Hyukjae’s shuffling feet to come to the door.

“What are you doing here?” Hyukjae looked surprised.

“I thought you might want some company to study to.” Donghae was not completely shaken in his confidence of coming here. It was fair enough that Hyukjae was surprised. This did not yet mean he was uncomfortable with Donghae coming over in general.

“You could have texted me about it.” Hyukjae rubbed his forehead and stepped aside. “Come on in, I’ll have to end the call with Siwon quickly.”

Donghae felt bad. Was he intruding? He certainly was, but was it completely unwelcome too?

“Sorry. You don’t have to…” Donghae called after Hyukjae who was already walking back into the living room, but Hyukjae only waved his hand.

Donghae slipped out of his shoes and followed Hyukjae.

“No. He came here, so we will study together.” He heard Hyukjae say.

“That’s nice.” Siwon’s voice was coming from the speakers of Hyukjae’s phone, so Donghae had no choice but to hear him too.

“Yeah.”

“I can call you again later.”

“Or write me one of those letters you’re so overly fond of.” Hyukjae said dryly. Donghae felt his shoulders tensing and tried desperately to calm down.

He knew that he had no right to listen in on their conversation. And simply judging by that logic, nothing they said should have any power over him at all.

“That’s a great idea, maybe you remember my wisdoms finally if I write them down!” Siwon sounded cheerful.

“Sure.” Hyukjae sighed. “Take care. Thank you for calling.”

So it had been Siwon that called Hyukjae, interesting.

No, not interesting. Nothing of interest for Donghae here!

“Anytime, Hyuk.”

Hyukjae sighed again and ended the call. He turned around and looked at Donghae.

“I did not mean to cut the two of you short.” Donghae said, chewing on his lip.

“Don’t worry about it. I do need to get work done. It’s probably good to stop talking to Siwon.”

Did this mean that Hyukjae could have easily continued talking to Siwon for hours?

Donghae took a deep breath. Even if it did mean that, it did not concern Donghae in the slightest. If he wanted both him and Hyukjae to have a nice time together, he would have to stop letting his jealousy ruin the mood.

He had come here to be of help for Hyukjae and to get some work done himself, so he better get started on that great plan.

“Sit down, I’ll get us something to drink.” Hyukjae said. He stood up. He did not look too happy but that was possibly because of the work he had to do.

Donghae tried to stay positive, but when Hyukjae came down and placed the water in front of him but sat down at the opposite end of the table, when they usually sat side by side, a nugget of worry bloomed up inside of him.

With every time that Hyukjae glanced over at him, not with a smile but with an unreadable expression on his face, the nugget grew into something bigger.

Had it been a bad idea to come here? Hyukjae did not need him. It was Donghae that needed constant company. Hyukjae was only being kind in not kicking him out immediately.

“How are you doing?” Donghae asked when he was done with his first task.

“Alright. It’s just a lot, not terribly difficult.” Hyukjae answered, not looking at him.

“I can try and help if you want.”

“No.” Hyukjae said quickly and looked up. “You have your own stuff to do. I need to do this myself.” He sighed.

“Do you maybe want me to cook something this evening?” Donghae asked carefully.

“No.” Hyukjae looked down on his papers again. “I have some pizza left that I will have.”

Donghae swallowed and looked back on his own papers too. He was not invited to stay for dinner. He had been too presumptuous in assuming he would automatically be.

He would work through one more task and then leave Hyukjae alone, unless he showed any sort of clear indication that he wanted him to stay a little longer.

“How are you enjoying your tent?” Donghae asked when the silence became too pressing for him to focus on anything.

“It’s great.” For once, Hyukjae sounded enthusiastic. “I don’t get to use it too often though.” He sounded dejected again.

“It’s great to look at too.”

“Yes.” Hyukjae agreed passively.

Donghae swallowed the pain and tried to ignore the worry-nugget that had at least grown to the size of a sweet potato inside him.

When Donghae was done with his task, he first kept very still and glanced over to Hyukjae. He was working and staring only at the page in front of him. He looked concentrated. Donghae felt bad for interrupting him, but he had agreed with himself to leave.

Donghae cleared his throat. Hyukjae looked at him and frowned.

“I think I better get back now.” Donghae said.

Hyukjae’s shoulders relaxed. Donghae could not help but stare. Hyukjae was relieved that he was leaving? When had he become such a burden to Hyukjae that he was happy he left?

Donghae quickly gathered his things and stood up. Hyukjae followed suite and lead the way to the door.

“Sorry for intruding like this.” Donghae said, one last hope that he had read Hyukjae completely wrong.

Hyukjae shrugged. He did not contradict him. The worry-nugget plummeted deeper in his stomach.

“Just ask first next time.” Hyukjae said and opened the door.

Donghae bit his lip and nodded. He had messed up and lost the general open invitation.

“Bye.” Donghae forced a smile onto his face. With everything he had done wrong, he did not need to make Hyukjae worry too.

“Bye. Get home safe.” Normally, Donghae would have interpreted Hyukjae’s tone as tired, but now, he was not sure if there was not also some annoyance in there too.

Donghae nodded and quickly turned around, that way, he did not have to worry about the smile falling from his face.

Coming here has always felt good. Leaving had been bad in general, and today was so much worse.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you will enjoy the chapter! <3 Take care and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 10  _

Donghae made it through the week. He was doing better than he would have thought initially. But on Saturday, he quickly realised that it was nothing but a weak structure that kept him going.

He had responsibilities of going to university, attending classes, and working on tasks. He could also avert his attention with shopping for food, but on Saturday, when there was no construct to keep him upright, he crumbled.

Hyukjae did not only not want to spend time with Donghae on Saturdays, he also disliked Donghae spending time with him at his place. He had said that he wanted Donghae to ask before he came.

He had used to say that about Donghae joining him in his room in the Lee Mansion too, but there, he had always got over his initial irritation and had come to enjoy the time he spent with Donghae.

But now, there had been nothing Hyukjae had enjoyed about Donghae being there with him. Times had changed. Donghae had been a bothersome but welcome enough diversion to keep Hyukjae entertained, but now that he had Siwon, he did not have to retort back to Donghae to spend his time.

Donghae did not manage to get out of bed well on Saturday. There was absolutely nothing he needed doing which made it all the more difficult for him to get up.

Around lunch time, Donghae decided to move from his bed to his desk chair, mainly so that he had a reason to feel accomplished and to feel good about returning to bed in the evening.

There were a few tasks Donghae did, and he also snacked some tomatoes, but when they reminded him too strongly of Hyukjae, he stopped eating all together and put on a film with the volume up too high.

Saturday was not destined to be a good day, so it didn’t turn out to be one. No surprise there.

Before going to sleep, Donghae answered a string of Teuk’s messages. He did feel horrible when Hyukjae’s chat did not show any new messages, but at least he had his other friends to talk to.

In order to be able to distract himself in the morning, Donghae even went as far as asking both Heechul and Teuk what they had planned for Sunday.

He put his phone away, started a new film and lay down in bed, ready for sleep to offer some peace and quiet.

On Sunday morning, Donghae woke up to a buzzing phone.

He grabbed it and checked it with unfocused eyes. Messages kept streaming in. Slowly, Donghae’s eyes focused and he saw that the messages were a mixture of Heechul and Teuk, not in the group chat but individually.

_Teuk: Funny you should ask! I actually wanted to ask whether we’d want to meet up._

_Teuk: I have not asked the others yet, but I should._

_Teuk: You are usually free on Sundays, so I’ll count you in._

_Teuk: That will help convince Hyuk and Heechul will HAVE to come if you’re all there._

_Teuk: What a wonderful Sunday._

_Teuk: And to think I could have spent it just hoovering._

_Teuk: I could have mopped for the fun of it, but this is better._

_Teuk: I will now ask Hyuk and Heechul._

_Teuk: Thank you for the idea, Hae._

_Heechul: What on earth, Hae?_

_Heechul: Did I not tell you to be careful with your words around Teuk?_

_Heechul: Hurt his feelings if you must, but don’t instigate Sunday morning meet-ups!_

_Teuk: Heechul seems to be opposed to the idea of meeting in the morning._

_Teuk: Hyuk hasn’t answered yet._

_Heechul: Teuk is telling me you’re game. You better be. I will not endure Teuk on my own. Not on a Sunday!_

_Teuk: Heechul is in!_

_Heechul: I will say yes only if you tell me you’re actually going._

_Heechul: Actually, your answer can wait, I will terrorize Hyuk first. And don’t think I won’t mention you’re the reason we’re in this calamity._

Donghae sat up and smiled. It had not worked 100% to distract himself from Hyukjae, but Donghae’s mind was at least preoccupied with thoughts that did not directly involve him and his feelings for Hyukjae.

_Hae: I’ll be there._

Donghae sent the same message to both Teuk and Heechul and calmly answered the wave of messages that flooded in after that.

About 10 minutes later, they had even managed to agree on a time, and Teuk reported that Hyukjae was ready to come along too.

Donghae had calmed down a little and was looking forward to seeing everyone again, when the by now familiar worry-nugget pressed down in his stomach again. Hyukjae did not mind taking time out of his schedule to see all three of them. Only when it was just Donghae did that seem too much.

Hyukjae might still like him, but the special position was lost.

Had he ever had a special position? Had it all been in his head?

No, Donghae was pretty sure he had had a special position, but maybe, it had not been a fixed position. Right now, it seemed much more like he had been a placeholder until the actual special person came along.

Donghae did not need a particular talent for deduction to be certain that the special person Hyukjae had found had to be Siwon.

Siwon was kind and made Hyukjae happy. There were many reasons to be happy for both Hyukjae and Siwon. Just because rationally, there was reason to be happy, Donghae could not just ignore his bruised heart.

Donghae sighed and shuffled into the bathroom. He could not just pull out of the meeting, no matter how much he wanted to.

He took a shower and went back into the room to stare at his closet. He liked to look nice, but he did not feel like wearing anything too elaborative. He was not trying to impress anyone. Well, he was, but he shouldn’t.

Teuk probably had some walk and café trip planned, so a warm jumper should do it. A hoodie that he could hide in as soon as he got home was even better.

As soon as he was dressed, Donghae set out. He was not keen on arriving last. He hoped that he would not be awkward around Hyukjae, but just in case he would be, he could make use of calming down in Heechul or Teuk’s company.

Donghae arrived at the spot they had agreed to meet up in and was greeted by both Heechul and Teuk openly gawking at him.

“What on earth are you doing here?” Heechul asked.

“We agreed to meet up at 2, didn’t we?” Donghae asked back.

“We did, but it’s only three minutes past!” Teuk said.

“So?”

“You’re never this early! Are you alright?” Heechul looked genuinely concerned which bothered Donghae a little bit. He could not attract attention though, so he laughed and assured them that everything was fine.

Donghae’s plan for once worked out. By the time Hyukjae arrived, he was calm and happy. He did not feel anything unusual when he saw Hyukjae jogging over to them with a tired but still bright smile.

That meant that his heart stumbled the way it always did. But he did not feel uncomfortable. He felt good seeing Hyukjae, which was a relief.

When Hyukjae reached them, Donghae noticed that he was only wearing a T-shirt.

“I told you not to come directly after dancing.” Teuk shook his head disapprovingly.

“I wouldn’t be here for another half hour at least!”

“You’ll get cold.” Teuk argued back.

“I won’t.” Hyukjae rolled his eyes. Donghae feared that he would get cold too and slightly regretted not choosing a jacket he could have easily taken off and given to Hyukjae.

“Let’s keep moving then. It’d be bad if Hyuk got sick.” Heechul said casually.

It would indeed be very bad! The others only laughed, which was probably the appropriate reaction, but Donghae did not want to even imagine Hyukjae being sick.

No matter how much Donghae did not want to imagine it, by the end of their meet-up, he was pretty sure that it was more a matter of time not a matter of ‘if’ Hyukjae was sick.

Hyukjae was shivering slightly. Even if he was amazing at acting like everything was alright whenever Teuk looked at him, Donghae noticed. His lips also turned slightly blue, but that was nothing Donghae could point out without attracting everyone’s attention.

All Donghae could do was help in cutting the time short. Instead of agreeing to go another round through the park after they had had a warm drink, he suggested to call it a day.

Teuk looked a little disappointed at first, but then Heechul invited them over to his place the coming Thursday, so he was somewhat appeased.

“It was nice meeting up like this.” Donghae said with a smile.

“Yes.” Hyukjae agreed quickly. Donghae had the suspicion that he agreed so that he did not have to say too much.

“It was more tolerable than I had feared it would be.” Heechul said and earned a headlock from Teuk.

“I will let you go if you admit that you enjoyed yourself.”

“That will never happen.” Heechul laughed. He waved at Hyukjae and Donghae from underneath Teuk’s grip.

Donghae started walking towards his and Hyukjae’s general direction. He was relieved when Hyukjae followed him immediately.

He looked terribly cold now, but Donghae did not feel like it was his right to put an arm around him. All he could do was speed up and distract Hyukjae a little.

Distracting him worked best with streams of speech, so Donghae chose to talk about the group project and all its troubles.

With that topic, he did not have to stop talking until they reached the light at which it would only make sense to go their separate ways.

“Get home quickly, Hyuk.” Donghae said. He only glanced at Hyukjae. He did not want him to be uncomfortable. Somehow, he did not seem to want Teuk knowing that he was cold and potentially sick, so it could not be much different for Donghae.

“You too.” Hyukjae answered. Maybe Donghae was delusional, but his voice sounded a little hoarse to his ears.

“If you need anything, you can always text me.” Donghae added in the spur of the moment.

“Huh?”

“Anything. You can just ask. You don’t have to, but you can ask…”

“Thank you, Hae.” Hyukjae interrupted him.

Donghae got lost in Hyukjae’s exhausted smile, but then Hyukjae turned around and quickly ran over the street.

Donghae waited until Hyukjae was safely on the other side. He was relieved to see that he was not getting slower. The sooner he would get home and warm, the better.

It had been a relatively warm spring morning, but the afternoon had quickly turned cold anyways.

When Hyukjae had disappeared out of Donghae’s line of sight, he turned to walk to his place.

He did not dare to expect a message from Hyukjae. He certainly did not hope for a message that told him that Hyukjae was sick. He did want Hyukjae to text him but not to say that he was unwell.

Donghae spent the rest of his Sunday not doing much. He distracted himself with music which meant he was thinking about Hyukjae the entire time, but he wasn’t worrying about him.

In the evening, he fell asleep while trying to answer Teuk’s messages. He managed to hit send on two replies, as he was happy to note the next morning, but he certainly did not manage to reply to all.

On Monday morning, Donghae replied to some more messages of Teuk and then got ready for uni. The day was uneventful until he received a message from Hyukjae before his last course.

_Mine: Nothing tasty. Nothing warm._

Donghae maybe should not have got so worked up about this message, but he immediately told a classmate he had to go home because he wasn’t feeling well.

He had had perfect attendance the entire term. This was more important.

On his way to Hyukjae’s place, Donghae stopped to buy ingredients for a simple soup. He also bought some banana milk and tomatoes to cheer Hyukjae up. All in all, a lot of energy also went into trying to stay calm, which was a huge feat.

With his bag over one shoulder and the grocery bag clutched tightly with his other hand, Donghae stepped into the building. He nervously waited for a lift to arrive and then for it to take him to Hyukjae’s floor.

In front of his door, he debated whether he should text him. Maybe Hyukjae was not actually as delirious and unwell as his text had seemed.

Then again, after hearing nothing from him since the afternoon before, Donghae was entitled at least a little bit of worry.

Donghae slowly pushed the screen up and typed his birthday. His heart was beating fast, but he could not focus on that now.

The lock flashed green, and the mechanical click reinforced the fact that Donghae had just successfully unlocked Hyukjae’s door with his own birthday.

Donghae pushed down the handle and stepped inside Hyukjae’s home. He kicked his shoes off gently and closed the door behind him. He slipped his jacket off and held his breath.

The apartment was quiet. It was also dark which meant that Hyukjae had pulled all shutters close.

Unsure how to proceed, Donghae stood rooted to the spot in the entrance for a while. He would have to move, or this undertaking was absolutely worthless.

Just before he was about to carefully make his way closer to where Hyukjae was, Donghae heard a groan and a soft thud.

He let go off all his carefulness and ran into Hyukjae’s room.

The dull thud had been of a book that had slipped off the bed, so nothing serious, thankfully. What certainly was serious, however was that Donghae could clearly see that Hyukjae was still wearing the same shirt he had worn the afternoon before.

The shirt stuck to his chest. Donghae quickly looked away.

Hyukjae’s hair was tousled and stuck in parts to his forehead. Immediately, Donghae extended a hand and carefully wiped the hairs off. Hyukjae exhaled and relaxed a little into his touch.

“I think you need to take a shower, Hyuk.” Donghae said softly.

“Don’t want to.” Hyukjae mumbled.

“You’ll feel warmer afterwards.”

“I am warm.” Hyukjae protested. Donghae had to agree that he was sweating a lot, but he also knew from experience that it was not exactly warm what one felt when being this sort of ill.

“You will feel more comfortable.”

“I don’t want to move.” Hyukjae was whining a little now, which was certainly not fair.

“You will feel better afterwards.” Donghae promised weakly.

Hyukjae groaned and dropped his head completely into Donghae’s hand.

“Do you think you can wash yourself?” Donghae asked. He was glad that Hyukjae had his eyes closed and could not see the way his face was heating up.

“Mh.” Hyukjae nodded his head.

“Let me help you up, and then, you can take a shower.” Donghae untangled the blanket from Hyukjae’s legs and grabbed his arm to pull him up.

When Hyukjae was standing, he opened his eyes for the first time.

“I am cold, Hae.” Hyukjae said with big, sad eyes.

“I know. That’s why you’re going to shower now.” Donghae smiled.

Hyukjae nodded and allowed Donghae to guide him to the bathroom. Donghae sat Hyukjae down on the toilet seat and quickly went back to get a fresh set of pyjamas for Hyukjae.

“You will be fine?” Donghae asked.

“Yes.” Hyukjae’s head fell forward, but he caught himself relatively quickly.

“Just shout if you need anything.” Donghae said when he had already turned back to the door. He was not going to let Hyukjae catch sight of his flushed face, even if there was a decent chance he wouldn’t even remember.

Donghae heard Hyukjae put on the water and quickly got to work. He cut the vegetables and left the soup to simmer on the stove while he went to Hyukjae’s room to air it quickly and change the sheets. While he was busy putting everything together, he also tidied the bits of clothing lying around.

It was a lot easier for him to get better, when his environment was tidy. Hyukjae might be different, but it would not harm him either.

Also, Donghae really needed to use his energy somewhere.

With the room freshly aired and tidied, Donghae closed the window and returned to the kitchen. He was just stirring the soup a little, when the bathroom door was thrown open.

“Hae?” Hyukjae sounded distressed.

“Yes?” Donghae slid around the corner.

“You are here.” Hyukjae sighed and fell around Donghae’s neck. He was thankfully already wearing the pyjamas Donghae had prepared for him, but that was the only small consolation in this situation.

Hyukjae was warm and his wet hair was sticking up adorably in some places. He smelled fresh and his cheeks were a little rosy. To top it all off, of course, he had just willingly thrown himself into Donghae’s arms without any sort of warning.

“Yes. I am.” Donghae couldn’t help putting his arms around Hyukjae.

“I didn’t dream it.” Hyukjae sighed and slumped further into Donghae’s arms. Donghae felt his heart rate getting faster but worrying about it would only make it worse.

“I think you should eat something.”

“No. I’m comfortable.” Hyukjae held tightly onto him.

“I won’t go anywhere, but you have to eat.” Donghae said and slowly stepped backwards, pulling Hyukjae with him into the kitchen.

“You cooked this for me?” Hyukjae asked, getting on his tip toes to peer over Donghae’s shoulder.

“Yes. Let’s get you to the living room and eat there.” Donghae pushed Hyukjae away, or at least, he tried to.

Hyukjae whined and held onto Donghae’s arm, his head dropping onto Donghae’s shoulder.

“You have to let me go. I can’t carry this if you don’t.”

Hyukjae kept pouting, but at least, he stepped away. Donghae turned around, grabbed a spoon from the drawer, a heatproof mat, and the pot.

“Let’s go.” He said and led the way. Hyukjae nodded and stumbled after him.

Donghae sat down on the sofa, placed the food on the table, and then pulled Hyukjae down next to him. Hyukjae was too close now, but he also needed to be fed in the state he was in which meant it could not really be helped.

Donghae carefully fed Hyukjae spoons full of the soup. He left to get a big glass of water and only relaxed a little when Hyukjae had finished both the soup and glass of water.

“I’m tired.” Hyukjae mumbled, eyes drooping already.

“Let’s get you into bed then.” Donghae said. It was a bit much to handle Hyukjae when he was not deliberately being cute, but still more adorable than anything Donghae could imagine.

There was a bit of a disagreement over whether Hyukjae should sleep in his bed or in the tent, but Donghae won in the end, simply because he could coordinate his movements. Hyukjae might have been stronger even in his delirious state, but he could not direct that strength very well.

“I don’t want to be…” Hyukjae mumbled while Donghae tucked him into his bed.

“You’ll get well very quickly if you rest.”

“… alone.” Hyukjae sighed and pulled a cushion closer to hug.

“I need to get back…” … in order not to do anything either of us will regret.

Donghae looked at Hyukjae and managed to stop himself from stroking Hyukjae’s hair just in time.

“Yes.” Hyukjae sighed. “You are always busy. You always help everyone. You are always nice to everyone.” Hyukjae was mumbling and his words were laced with yawns.

“But you are also nice to me.” He sounded content. “You are nice even if I don’t ask. You are always nice.” Hyukjae yawned. “You came here and cooked. You are really here. How did you get inside anyway?”

Donghae felt hot. “I…”

“Siwon must have given it to you.” Hyukjae yawned and snuggled into his blanket until only his nose was visible.

Of course, he had to break Donghae’s heart when he looked absolutely adorable.

Donghae stayed for another minute, but then the pain got too bad. Hyukjae was settled and comfortable. It was time for him to go.

Why did Siwon know Hyukjae’s door code? Hyukjae had not wanted to tell the code to his friends, but he had told Siwon. Donghae was not on the same level of importance as Siwon.

For a moment, Donghae debated just getting out as quickly as possible, but then, he decided to tidy away the dishes and out the remaining snacks into the fridge.

He wrote a quick note saying: _Get well soon!_ and attached it to the banana milk.

Donghae put the pain killers he had also bought onto the counter. He placed them right in the middle to be visible and almost missed a folded paper.

He might have been happier to have missed it, but certainly more delusional too.

It was a handwritten note on the paper, and Donghae could not help to grab it. It was a neat handwriting. Not a writing he had ever seen before – all the more reason he shouldn’t snoop.

_Dearest Hyukjae,_

_You allowed me to write a letter, so here I am, doing that. I love writing letters to people I care about. It is nice to look back on them, and it feels good to create something I know you will treasure. You will have rolled your eyes just about now… Don’t worry. This is a heartfelt letter, but you can make of it what you will. Whatever you do with it will not alter the way I care for you._

Donghae dropped the letter and then quickly placed it where he had found it.

Hyukjae and Siwon were close enough to write letters. Donghae had been there when Siwon had told Hyukjae he would write a letter. There was not question as to who this letter was from.

There was also no question as to what this letter meant. Siwon _cared_ for Hyukjae. And Hyukjae cared for him too if he allowed him that far into his life that he would know his mannerisms.

With the letter back in place, Donghae quickly walked to the door. He grabbed his bag and put his shoes back on.

He was already outside when he noticed that he had forgot his jacket inside. He was wearing a warm enough jumper that he did not depend on the jacket, so he let it be.

Opening the door again now, he could be tempted to entertain some ridiculous idea of still having some sort of chance with Hyukjae.

No. Siwon was the important person in his life. It was not Donghae that made him happy. He had probably only called for his name earlier because he could not be sure if it was Siwon or him that had helped him. There was no question about who he wanted it to have been.

Donghae pushed the button for the lift forcefully and jutted his jaw. If he was going to give way to his pathetic feelings and cry, he would do that when he was back at his place. He would not cry now.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it all the way to Friday! :) Congratulations! Enjoy the chapter, take care, and stay safe! xx

_ Chapter 11 _

It was an amazing feat that Donghae only ever cried when he was in the shower. He managed to get through his days and only crumbled when he was alone, at home, under the massaging stream of warm water.

He reasoned that under the water, no tear stains would ever be visible anywhere, so nobody could ever prove he had bene crying.

There was obviously absolutely no one that wanted to see whether he had been crying. His classmates only thought he was tired and offered to do more of the work, which Donghae did not allow, because he _needed_ something to busy himself with.

Heechul and Teuk might have cared to see whether he was doing well, but for them to achieve that, Donghae would have had to allow himself to see them.

So far, he had not reached out to them. He had only responded to their texts occasionally, as not to make them worry too much, but he had not tried to meet up with them.

It was now Thursday and Donghae was on his way back. The shower that awaited him was the only thing that made him get through the day.

He would feel better after the shower and finally get to relax a little, without having to care what other people might conclude from his facial expression.

Donghae unlocked the door and stepped inside his apartment. It was as bleak and unwelcoming as ever. It was nothing like Hyukjae’s place.

No. Anything to do with Hyukjae was strictly forbidden. Only when doing music did Donghae allow himself to think of the idealised version he had created in his brain. That was far enough from reality to inspire him to do well. Thinking about Hyukjae when he was on his own was not possible, though.

When Donghae had kicked off his shoes, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it.

_Heechul: Are we ready for the party of the century?_

Donghae slid down the wall and hugged his knees to his chest. He was everything but ready for a party. Even more so a party with Hyukjae present.

Before Donghae could think of a way to discretely say that he was not feeling well at all, Teuk and Heechul started a majorly important discussion about whether it was even going to be a party and if century was not aiming too high, generally speaking.

Once they had agreed to disagree, as they so often did, Donghae had nearly worked up enough courage to tell them he would not make it. But then, Hyukjae popped up in the chat.

_Mine: You are ridiculous._

_Heechul: See, he agrees with me._

_Teuk: He does not. He agrees with me. I raised him to be a clever boy._

_Mine: Man._

_Teuk: YOU AGREE THAT I RAISED YOU?_

_Teuk: This is a great day!_

_Teuk: Monumental._

_Teuk: I would like to thank the academy._

_Heechul: I don’t even want you to agree with me anymore, Hyuk._

_Mine: I have to admit, that hurt a little._

Donghae’s eyes were glued to his phone. He could not stop reading the messages that popped up on his screen. He felt like he was there with his friends, but he was also very far away. He was listening in to some friends’ conversation, but he was not part of the group.

_Heechul: Hae, you are my only hope now._

_Teuk: Don’t pressure the boy, he will agree just to not hurt your feelings._

_Teuk: Don’t fall for him, Hae. You are better than that!_

_Heechul: I don’t want him to fall for me… But he is wise, so he simply has to agree with me._

_Mine: Or we don’t have to agree with either of you because you are both delusional…_

Seeing Hyukjae write of them as a group affected Donghae. And that meant it warmed his heart, which only led to severe pain. Donghae was not entitled to a warm heart after Hyukjae said anything.

He had to keep his distance.

_Teuk: Hae, you have been very quiet._

_Heechul: Which means he is agreeing with me._

_Teuk: It does not._

_Teuk: Hae, are you alright?_

Donghae balled his fingers into a fist and stretched them out again. Teuk had unknowingly thrown him a lifeline with that. He would be stupid to miss out on that.

_Hae: I am not feeling too great. There is a big assignment due tomorrow. I don’t think I can make it tomorrow._

He did not love lying, but sometimes, the truth needed to be stretched a little in order to save face and not cause too much concern.

_Teuk: One day, I will punch your professors. Why do they make you work so much?_

_Heechul: I agree. Do get some rest as well!_

_Teuk: We all agree, I am moved._

_Heechul: Stop being sentimental, or I will disagree with you for the sake of it._

_Mine: Oh, something that has never happened before ever._

_Heechul: Don’t get clever, Hyuk!_

_Teuk: Don’t fight._

_Heechul: You’re the reason for the fight…_

_Heechul: Whatever, Hae, work well and get some rest. You can do it. Hyuk, does Siwon want to come?_

_Teuk: Are you going to replace Hae just like that?_

_Mine: Siwon is busy._

Donghae was shaking a little. Teuk had wanted to be funny, presumably. He had no idea how close he had been to expressing Donghae’s deepest fears.

Hyukjae had not denied anything, but then Heechul had suggested to invite Siwon.

The shaking was getting too much, so Donghae placed his phone down and dropped his head against the wall behind him.

He took some deep breaths and slowly stood up. He really deserved the self-pitying shower now. He would also get some work done, just to not feel too much like the worst friend in the history of the world.

There was no denying that Donghae’s evening was pathetic and sad. He cried in the shower, didn’t acknowledge that, and then munched on some dried seaweed while completing as many tasks as he could. He did not feel as bad about not spending time with his friends if he at least hadn’t full on lied to them.

When it made no sense to start a new task, Donghae piled up his things, and lay down in bed, checking his phone every now and then and not really trying to pay attention to the film he had put on.

He scrolled through social media, liking a few posts occasionally, but he was not really taking anything in.

Maybe, someday, Donghae would be able to feel joy again.

Donghae sighed. He did not like how dramatic he was being. But then, he could not help but be dramatic, or at least sound it. Hyukjae was not as close to him as he usually was and that made it difficult to find any joy in things.

For the next two films, Donghae did not pick up his phone, but then, when his eyes were drooping a little, he picked up his phone, after all. He saw pictures he would have usually liked a lot and thought about, but they only tickled a mechanical like out of him.

The day was not going to get any better. It was best to just go to sleep and hope despite himself that everything would be better in the morning.

Donghae did not know about better exactly, but things were certainly different when he woke up. The main reason for that was insistent knocking on his door.

Without looking at his phone, Donghae stumbled to the door.

Heechul was looking at him with a mixture of surprise and concern.

“You are awake.” Heechul stated.

“I am, now.” Donghae rubbed his eyes and stepped aside.

“Are you alright?” Heechul kicked off his shoes and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

“Yes. A little tired…”

“You did not rest yesterday-night. You don’t even have classes now. Do you even have an assignment you had to finish for today?”

Donghae did not like where this conversation was going. “I did have work to do.”

“No assignment, though, right?” Heechul raised his eyebrows.

“No.” Donghae answered quietly.

“I think it would be a great idea for you to want to talk.”

“You do, do you?” Donghae laughed. “Don’t you have to be somewhere? Don’t you have to be at work.”

“Not today, no. That’s why I came over.” Heechul walked over to Donghae’s bed and sat down, pulling the blanket over his legs. He was set to stay, apparently.

“That, and you made me worry.”

“I did?”

“You don’t usually pull out of a meeting. You usually push them forward. You make time for us, even if you shouldn’t. Your answers did not feel the same. Do you want me to go on?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Also,” Heechul said, completely ignoring Donghae. “Hyuk was weird.”

“And you come to me because of that?” Donghae asked, feeling warm.

“Yes. Obviously.” Heechul shook his head disapprovingly. He patted the space next to him and waved Donghae over. “Teuk kept talking yesterday evening and he did not say anything that could have explained _your_ behaviour. Also, you haven’t said anything to me directly either, so it has to be about Hyuk.” Heechul was very evidently very proud of himself for concluding the matter like that.

“Oh.” Donghae said simply and sat down next to Heechul.

“Oh?” Heechul turned to him. “I am right?”

“Yes.” Donghae pulled the blanket over his knees and sighed.

“Are you unhappy?”

Donghae nodded.

“We agree that it would be a good idea to talk about it, don’t we?”

Donghae nodded again. “I suppose so.”

“You have to give me a little more than that if your free therapy-consultation session is supposed to be fruitful.”

“I did not sign up to any of this.” Donghae smiled. It felt both weird and relieving to smile.

“That doesn’t matter, obviously. So, spit it out. What is it that makes you unhappy? You can be as short or long about it as you like.”

“I like Hyuk.” Donghae said quietly. He felt Heechul turning towards him, but he did not say anything for a while.

“Does that make you unhappy?” Heechul asked eventually. He sounded careful.

“No.” Donghae sighed. “I have always liked him, of course. It was something of a surprise to realise how much I like him, though.” He admitted. He would not be able to keep much to himself, anyways. He might as well be honest with Heechul. “I am happy when I am with him.”

“But…” Heechul prompted.

“But, being apart from him makes me unhappy.”

“Yes. But…”

“What, but?”

“Would you have been happy if you had joined us yesterday evening? Is that all this is?” Heechul asked in a way that made clear that he did not think so himself.

“No.”

“Why not.”

“Hyuk does not like me.”

“Bullshit.” Heechul glared at him. “Don’t tell Teuk I said that, but that is bullshit. Of course, Hyuk likes you.”

“You like me too. I like him a little more than that.”

Heechul looked at him in a way that clearly showed that he was not impressed.

“I love him.” Donghae whispered. This was the first time he was saying it out loud, after all.

Heechul put an arm around Donghae’s shoulders and squeezed.

“Does that make you unhappy?” he asked again.

“No. Hyuk does not love me. _That_ makes me unhappy. Actually, he does not need to love me to make me happy. But he pushed me away. He keeps his distance. He will, or he already has replaced me.”

“Replace you?” Heechul asked.

“Yes.”

“With Siwon?”

Donghae flinched and nodded.

“I don’t think anyone can replace you.”

“That’s sweet of you.”

“I mean it, Hae.”

“Hyuk is doing rather well, though.” Donghae sighed.

“He is not replacing you.” Heechul said sternly.

“He is keeping his distance and does the uttermost to keep me away too.” Donghae said quietly. He felt tears welling up in his eyes. He did not like that this would be the first time he cried outside the shower in his new place, but it was inevitable at this point.

“I don’t like seeing you sad.”

“I don’t like being sad.” Donghae leaned his head against Heechul’s shoulder and felt the first tear escape his eye, which was obviously due to gravity.

Heechul patted his head. “If I am very honest, I don’t think you need to be sad. Hyuk likes you a lot. He certainly likes you a lot more than he likes Teuk or me.”

“No, don’t say that.”

“You like him better than me too, don’t try to be sympathetic.”

“I love you a lot too though.” Donghae said, more tears escaping his eyes now.

“I know you do.” Heechul stroke Donghae’s head in slow circular movements now. “Your heart is big and full of love. We all know that, and we love you for it. I think you don’t need to give up hope.”

“I can hardly compete against Siwon, can I?”

“You absolutely can, but I don’t think you really have to.”

“He wrote Hyuk a letter…” Donghae blurred out. “They are close enough to be writing those lovey-dovey letters. If they are not yet together, they will be very soon. I want Hyuk to be happy. I won’t take this away from him.”

“Still, you cannot give up hope. You deserve to be happy as much as Hyukjae deserves to be happy.”

“I am not sure.”

“Lucky for you, I am.” Heechul twisted a little to pull Donghae into a proper hug. “I understand that you are unhappy and maybe entitled to some mopping, but I will not allow too much of a retreat. You will join us at my place on Monday, and things will soon be fine again.”

“On Monday?”

“Yes. You have a few days to prepare, or just relax. Don’t worry too much. And please don’t cry too much.” Heechul pressed a quick kiss to the top of Donghae’s head.

“Thank you for being here.”

“If you promise me not to take it literally, I will say: Any time.” Heechul took his arm off and sat up.

“Thank you.” Donghae wiped his eyes.

“Will you be fine now?”

“I can always try.” Donghae offered a weak smile. He was not sure how much faith he could allow himself to have in Heechul’s words. He wanted him to be right, but wasn’t he risking a deeper fall into worse pain if he gave way to the hope?

“That has to be good enough for me for now. I do need to get back soon, unless you really want me to stay, then, I could.” Heechul smiled.

“It’s fine. I have courses at lunch.” Donghae said.

“You might want to freshen up a little before you go.” Heechul grinned.

“How sweet of you.” Donghae hid his face in his hands.

“Not ugly, just a little unkempt.” Heechul patted his head. “We can’t have the jewel of the east sea look like this.”

“That’s a new one.” Donghae rolled his eyes.

“No, it’s a keeper.” Heechul clutched his chest dramatically.

“Knock yourself out.” Donghae climbed out of bed and stood up.

“You will be fine, Hae. Try and stay on top of things. And if not, I am just a text away. Teuk will gladly distract you too. You can tell him everything too, of course, or you can make use of his ability to drown the world out.”

“Thank you.” Donghae said as sincerely as he could.

When Heechul left after a couple of imploring warnings of the sort of behaviour he expected from Donghae, Donghae went into the bathroom. His face was a little blotchy, but a bit of vigorous scrubbing made it all red and therefore normal.

After washing, Donghae changed into some proper clothes and then left to get to his classes.

He was still very touched that Heechul had come to him to check on him. He was happy that he cared enough to do that. He was not quite sure he could believe everything he had said, but he felt a little less miserable, which was worth a lot.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have a lovely Saturday! :) Take care and stay safe! Enjoy the chapter! xx

_ Chapter 12 _

Donghae was nervous after Heechul left him. Not immediately after. First, he was quite reconciled and busy with uni at that too, but then, when he came back home, he remembered that Heechul had laid out just when he was going to see Hyukjae again.

It was not long until Monday, and there was a whole lot Donghae had to deal with ideally, if he wanted to be completely comfortable around Hyukjae.

Heechul had been nice enough to try and instal some hope in Donghae, but he had decided for himself that it was not worth the risk. For all he knew, Hyukjae would tell him that he and Siwon were happily together now. Going into that announcement with delusional hope for himself was very dangerous indeed.

He would go, because Heechul would pester him if he didn’t until he did, so it was best to get the first encounter over with.

Teuk and Heechul would be there too, so it could be much worse. It was sensible to go soon.

It was a relief that it would happen at Heechul’s place too. Seeing Hyukjae again in his place after taking care of him there only to accidentally have his heart broken in the end, would be too much of a toll.

No, Donghae would hide behind Teuk if he had to, take Heechul’s hand and get through it somehow like that.

It was a shame that he could not actually do that.

The weekend whizzed past, accelerated by Donghae’s nerves.

He also lost one entire afternoon because of one single text. To be fair, the text was from Hyukjae, so processual extra time had to be calculated anyways, but a whole Saturday afternoon certainly was a little much.

_Mine: I hope you get to do something fun and not just studying. Eat something and don’t go worrying people too much._

Donghae kept thinking about Hyukjae’s words unable to make complete sense of them. Hyukjae did care for him. He did not have to fear that he was about to cut all ties with him.

It did also ask more questions than it answered though. Did Hyukjae worry about him, because he cared for him, or did he want to prevent any sort of worry because he did not want to be bothered by Donghae?

No matter for how long Donghae tried to make sense of the text, he came to no satisfying answer. He then struggled on to try and come up with a reply for some more minutes.

In the end, he wrote a short text and then threw the phone across the room.

_Hae: I ate. Some bits of studying are fun._

He did not like his answer, but it would hopefully give Hyukjae sort of what he had asked for.

Apart from the one singular text, there was nothing but studying on Donghae’s agenda. He worked as hard as he could, did some music for his own sake and watched any film that was recommended to him or that was next in the queue.

This weekend was not about enjoying himself, it was about passing time as productively as he could while mainly focusing on just getting the time over with.

On Monday, Donghae got up and decided not to shower. He washed his face and got ready. When he would come home from uni, he would take a shower and feel refreshed and calm for when he went to Heechul’s place.

Donghae turned out to be home a little later than he had planned for, but he still took his shower. Teuk would certainly appreciate him making the effort and Heechul and Hyukjae would not mind him being late anyways. It was not completely unusual for him either.

The trip to Heechul’s place took a little longer than Donghae had anticipated, so he was properly late when he got there, but he had made it, at least.

Judging by Heechul’s text, he would also be glad he had made it.

_Heechul: You better be on your way here now._

_Heechul: I will be very gracious and won’t be disappointed if you are still brushing your teeth right now, but please tell me you’re on your way here._

_Heechul: I have both a Teuk and a Hyuk to keep calm, you better be here soon!_

_Heechul: Hae, I am begging you, crawl over in your week-old running gear if you have to, just come, please._

Donghae was already in the lift and on the way to Heechul’s flat when he finished reading the texts. He did not answer, but simply rang the doorbell.

“Hae. Thank goodness.” Heechul pulled Donghae into a hug as soon as he opened the door. “I am glad that you are here. Thank you for coming. I am proud of you for being here.”

“Hello.” Donghae replied, his chin hooked over Heechul’s shoulder.

“Come inside. We’re ready for dinner.” Heechul said in a normal volume and let go off him.

“Great.” Donghae put on a smile and followed Heechul.

“He showered.” Teuk stated.

“He did.” Donghae agreed and sat down in the free spot next to Teuk, and not next to Hyukjae. He was deciding to be kind to himself and not give in to the urges of his heart.

“I am glad.” Heechul rolled his eyes and took the place next to Hyukjae, shooting Donghae a quick glance.

“Let’s eat.” Hyukjae said.

Donghae was embarrassed to note that these words had an effect on him. They had because it was the first thing Donghae heard Hyukjae say in quite a while, but other than that, he did not have much of a reason to react strongly.

Eating and joking together with the others was not difficult. Donghae felt at ease.

He did catch himself wanting to lean back and find Hyukjae’s arm around him, but he pushed those delusional thoughts away quickly and focused on having a good time with his _friends_.

Even not eating and just talking and then just watching a film was fine. Teuk’s shoulder was less comfortable than Hyukjae’s. His scent was also less intoxicating which meant that Donghae could for once focus on the film they were all watching together.

When Donghae felt that he was getting tired after the film had finished, he decided it was time to leave. He did not want to lose any ounce of his control over what he said and did, so he needed to leave.

That was only some part of the reason. Another big part was that Hyukjae had started talking about his past week and was getting closer and closer to mentioning Siwon.

Donghae was too weak to hear about that yet, so he had to leave, he really had to.

“I need to get going now.” Donghae said, quietly at first. Problem was that Teuk was currently on the toilet and Heechul was paying attention to what Hyukjae said, so not able to hear him either.

Donghae bit his lip and tried to supress the prickling sensation in his nose. He really did not want to cry right now. He was only tired. He was with lovely friends. He did not want to cry.

“Are you alright, Hae?” Hyukjae’s concerned voice threw Donghae off balance. He looked over to Hyukjae and was met with big eyes, which made everything worse. Donghae kneaded his lips with his fingers and looked away again.

“Hae?” Heechul asked too.

“I think I need to get back now. I am tired.” Donghae stood up and dropped his hands by his side.

“Already?” Hyukjae asked.

“It is quite late.” Heechul said quickly.

Donghae nodded and made his way to the front door. He would not usually leave this abruptly, but he needed to breathe and calm down and that was easiest when he was alone.

“Hae, wait.” Hyukjae called and jumped up. Heechul turned away demonstratively and pretended to read the ingredients on the packet of chips.

Donghae continued walking to his shoes, but before he could bend down, Hyukjae grabbed his arm.

“Wait.” He said again.

“Hm?” Donghae tried to keep his heartbeat calm, but it was not easy.

“You forgot your jacket…” Hyukjae let go off Donghae’s arm and picked up his bag from the floor. “You left this after… you took care of me?” His voice went up a little at the end. He was also not meeting his eyes. He was simply holding out the jacket for Donghae to take.

Donghae took the jacket and put it on. It was easier to do that than to focus on how Hyukjae could not even bear for Donghae’s jacket to be in his apartment. He did not like Donghae there all that much, but apparently, even his jacket was too much.

“Thanks.” Donghae said and bent down to put on his shoes.

“Do you…” Hyukjae started. Donghae stopped moving and looked up at him. “Do you maybe want to meet up for studying tomorrow?”

Donghae could not quite believe his ears.

“Oh, maybe not tomorrow. Siwon wanted to come over…”

That was more like it, sadly.

“It’s fine.” Donghae looked at his feet and energetically tied the first bow.

“It clearly isn’t.” There was a bit of a bite to his voice. Usually, whenever Donghae heard this, it was never directed at him, but times had changed, evidently.

“You are busy, and I can work on my own, you know.” Donghae risked a look up and saw that Hyukjae had jutted his jaw.

“Can you?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, I can.” Donghae said forcefully. “I don’t always need supervision.” Donghae was unhappy to notice that his voice was beginning to crumble a little. “I am strong! I will go now… You can go back to the others.” There were certainly tears in his eyes now, but Hyukjae probably did not notice.

Hyukjae did turn around and walked back into the living room. Teuk’s voice came over to Donghae. They were all together again. He was the only one that was alone.

“Couldn’t you have been nicer, Hyuk?” Teuk asked.

Donghae quickly tied his second shoe and stood up.

“He’ll come crawling back.” Hyukjae said.

Donghae did not hear the reaction from the others. He quickly opened the door and stepped outside.

He was too shaken that he did not remember to close the door quietly.

He could not undo that. All he could do was get away as quickly as possible and calm down.

The lift arrived, and Donghae stepped inside. The merciless mirrors inside the lift showed Donghae that it was very visible that he was crying, even if he was too numb to notice that himself.

Donghae did not know what to do with himself when he got home. He did not know what to do with himself the next day.

All he knew was what he should not do. He should not go crawling back to Hyukjae.

At first, he had tried to deny it, but then, he noticed that it was only his own company he was going to spend time in, so he might as well be honest. Hyukjae’s words had hurt him. He was fine on his own. He was a grown man. He wanted to spend time with Hyukjae, but he was going to survive without him.

Donghae felt his throat closing up a little when he thought this.

He did not want to have to survive without Hyukjae. However, in these circumstances, he would very well have to survive without him. So, he might as well try and get used to it as soon as possible.

What hurt particularly badly was that it was more and more obvious that Hyukjae was more important for Donghae than he was for him. Hyukjae was convinced that Donghae would come crawling back to him.

Had he only ever tolerated Donghae because he thought he was dependent on him like that? Had Donghae not ever meant anything more to Hyukjae than that?

Donghae did not want to believe that. Of course, he did not want to be insignificant for Hyukjae, but he needed to be realistic. He needed to steal himself for the inevitable reveal that Siwon was the most important person in Hyukjae’s life. The position Donghae had always wanted for himself but had always been astronomically far from reaching.

The days blended into one another. Donghae could hardly remember whether he had eaten or showered. He was proud of himself for making it to his classes on time because the timetable was deeply ingrained in him, but every other aspects of life were too much of a hassle to keep up with.

His friends kept quiet too. Donghae did not blame them. He had no clue what could possibly make him feel less miserable. He would not know how to reach out to him. It was not their fault that he had manoeuvred himself into this position. They did not need to help him clean up his mess.

All Donghae was aware of now was that all his classmates packed up their things and got ready to go home. Donghae quickly copied them and also made his way back to his place.

It was not fun to return back to the empty flat. It had never really been, so it was obviously not going to be fun now either.

Donghae stepped into the lift and leaned against the wall. He was worn out. He was not sleeping all too bad, actually, but he had no energy.

He stepped out of the lift again and made his way to the looming door. This time, however, the door did not look all too looming.

The reason for that was a non-descript plastic bag hanging on his door handle. It could have been ominous if Donghae did not know that this was Teuk’s way of taking care of someone.

Teuk had come all the way over to him to make sure he was eating. He kept his distance and allowed Donghae some room to breathe, but he showed presence.

This big act of love and care meant a great deal to Donghae. He was not completely alone in the world. He would always have his friends. He could potentially even become good friends with Hyukjae again too.

Donghae quickly let himself into his apartment and closed the door after him. Thinking about being friends with Hyukjae still hurt a little too much. He wanted to be more than friends, but he would actually have to work on accepting that he was actually even less than a best friend.

Before devouring the food, Donghae took a shower and got changed into his pyjamas. He then put on a film and spend the night not thinking about anything. He had no tasks to do. He could do what he wanted and what he wanted was not thinking about Hyukjae.

The next morning, Donghae got ready in the same boring way as always. He made his way to classes and participated whenever he felt like the professors needed a hand with taking the courses along.

When classes were over, Donghae saw that he had messages from Teuk. The first in a few days, well since he had been at Heechul’s place.

_Teuk: Are you free for some lunch?_

_Teuk: There is a great noodle place close to your uni._

_Teuk: It would be great to test it out, I think._

_Teuk: Are your classes over at 3?_

_Teuk: We’ll be waiting for you._

_Teuk: Please come._

_Hae: Who is we?_

Donghae wrote back, fearing the worst.

_Teuk: Hyuk and me. Heechul is busy._

_Teuk: We’re here now. Please come!_

Donghae felt himself grow warm, but he would have to pass the noodle shop anyways, so he might as well get some food out of it. He would have to meet Hyukjae at some point anyway, so he might as well try and see whether he was any good at it already.

The noodle shop looked appealing, and Donghae immediately spotted Teuk, which was always relieving.

Teuk saw him too and quickly came towards him. “You’re here. Lovely. Listen, Siwon is also here. Let’s all have lunch.”

Teuk was trying not to seem nervous, but Donghae knew him well enough. This time, Teuk only tried to look out for Donghae, so there was nothing he could be unhappy for.

“Lunch sounds good.” Donghae pressed out. He did not hate Siwon, obviously. It was not the best for his heart maybe, to see Siwon and Hyukjae together, but it would not be the death of him either.

Teuk linked arms with Donghae and gently pulled him towards Siwon and Hyukjae. Siwon looked amazing, obviously, but Donghae’s eyes fell on Hyukjae immediately. He looked lovely. Familiar. Gorgeous. He looked like what happiness felt like for Donghae.

And yet, he was far away from Donghae. He did not even really look at him. He glanced over briefly but then turned back to the menu.

They quickly ordered and were thankfully able to eat quickly too. There was no need for anything but small talk, which Donghae was able to get through without any hiccups.

He liked listening to Siwon talk about what he had planned for his day. He had a nice voice and was not talking about Hyukjae, so it was easy to pay attention to him.

As soon as everyone was done with their lunch, Donghae stood up. He could not risk ruining the fragile balance, so he needed to get back quickly.

“I’m going to get back now.” Donghae said. He noticed that it was just about the first thing he had said to them, but he could not change that now.

“Already?” Hyukjae’s eyes were focused completely on him for the first time. He seemed like he wanted to read something on Donghae’s face. Donghae did not know what. He would have liked to help, but if Hyukjae did not say anything, there was nothing he could do either.

“Suit yourself.” Hyukjae turned away again and took a sip of his drink.

Donghae tried not to get too visibly shaken by this reply. He waved to the others and bowed and then left.

One day, things would be fine again. One day, he would not cry while walking home.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are already at the penultimate chapter! :O Which also means that Suju are comming back reeeeeaally soon! :) I am so excited! <3 I hope you enjoy the chapter and have a lovely day! :) I will see you again tomorrow! <3 Stay safe and take care! xx

_ Chapter 13  _

Donghae had not done much when he got home. He let himself cry in the peace of his shower. He then lay down in his bed, only to jump at late in the evening to remember he had not checked whether he had received any mail.

He was already standing at his door when he remembered that there was really no reason to care whether he had received any mail. He had no clue where that sudden burst of unnecessary energy came from.

But now that he was at the door, he might as well go and check whether he had received any mail.

Donghae never got that far because he was greeted by another nondescript bag on his door.

When did Teuk come around? Also, he must have known for sure that Donghae was home, but he was careful around him. Donghae must have left one hell of an impression when he had left them all at the noodle place for Teuk to be so careful around him.

Donghae picked up the bag and sat down cross legged in front of his bed. He did not feel like eating, but it was probably a good idea to eat again after only having the one bowl of noodles all day.

After eating, Donghae washed up, brushed his teeth, and went to bed. He put on a film, but mercifully fell asleep quite quickly.

The next morning, Donghae was happy to note that due to there being no alarm set, it appeared to be the weekend.

After waking up in cold sweat, Donghae checked the date, saw that it was in fact Saturday, turned around and went back to sleep.

When he woke up again, Donghae sat down at his desk and immediately started working. He could have taken care of himself, but if he got his work done now, he could do whatever he wanted for the rest of the day.

Whatever he wanted, turned out to be another elaborate and somewhat tearful shower and a short series. He was going to stay strong and distract himself as much from Hyukjae as he possibly could.

It was slowly getting dark outside, when there was a faint noise at the door.

Donghae first thought nothing of it, but then quickly jumped up. A sound at his door? At this time? It was very likely that it was Teuk.

Donghae jumped up, lost his balance very briefly and stumbled his way to the door. He threw it open. There was no one in the hallway, but there was indeed another bag.

How could Teuk have known that Donghae had not yet eaten?

No matter how interesting that question was, there was something else Donghae wanted to do.

He pulled out his phone. He opened the group chat and sent a message.

_Hae: Teuk, you can come in._

Teuk’s answer came quickly, even before Donghae had reached his bed again.

_Teuk: Come in?_

_Hae: Share the food._

Donghae sat down with his back against the bed. He untied the knot on the bag and saw and smelled that Teuk had got him a kimchi soup, which was perfect to warm him up and provide all necessary nourishment a grown man would need in a day.

_Hyuk: You’re taking him food again, Teuk?!_

Hyukjae’s answer confused Donghae a little bit. Well, it mainly confused him because he did not think he could possibly expect an answer from Hyukjae.

Donghae had certainly not written into the group chat in order for Hyukjae to reply. He had decided to go with the group chat to let everyone know at the same time that he was doing well.

He was hardly actually doing well, but he wanted to create and keep that illusion.

_Teuk: Oh yes._

_Teuk: Sorry, Hae. I can’t come in right now._

_Teuk: I have to get back to my dinner._

_Teuk: You enjoy it!_

_Teuk: Have a good evening and don’t sleep too little._

_Hae: Thanks._

Donghae was overwhelmed by Teuk’s messages. Teuk was caring and kind. He did care about Donghae. He wanted him to feel well. He did not want to press on him, but he still wanted to make sure he was alright.

It was nice to know that he still had friends. It was reassuring to know that they did care for him.

Of course, it did not help to completely fill the hole inside Donghae, but over time, it might help to patch up the hole.

Donghae angrily wiped away a tear that had found its way onto his cheek and ate his soup. It was a good soup and it made him happy.

However, feeling happy after just crying because he was so moved of what Teuk had done for him only made him cry more.

Realistically, Donghae knew that all he needed now was a hug from a good friend. He needed a safe environment where everything calmed him down. However, just as realistically, Donghae also knew that that was one of the few things he absolutely could not have.

The good friend was obviously code for Hyukjae, and him and his home were completely out of bounds. He could not go to him. He could not seek refuge. He could even less ask for a hug.

He would have to get through this on his own and hope to emerge stronger on the other side.

On Sunday, Donghae slept as long as possible to not have to worry about what to eat or what to do with all the free time.

When he no longer felt like lying down, he got up, but decided not to take a shower. He was too exhausted to cry, which was a plus, at least. He did not want to risk being invigorated and ending up crying after all.

After getting changed, he took a few precautious calming breaths and then went to check the front door. There was no bag on there, fair enough.

This meant Donghae would have to go food shopping himself. He shouldn’t have relied on Teuk in any way. As much as he wanted to be his mother, he did not need to take care of Donghae in that fashion.

Donghae did not feel pretty or well kempt but for once, just going to a supermarket really should be fine, even if he looked the way he did.

There was no chance of running into anyone whose opinion he cared for. Hyukjae was probably as far away as he possibly could. And Donghae would not even blame him if he was.

For the first time ever, Donghae felt uncomfortable going shopping. He worried what people thought. He worried that people could see how unhappy he was. He worried that this would make them unhappy in turn. He worried that he was causing concern.

Most of all, what he worried about was that he would never stop feeling this way.

Maybe, all chances of happiness had passed Donghae by. Maybe, his whole life would be spent being uncomfortable with the way he looked. Maybe, this was as good at it was ever going to be.

With great difficulty, Donghae made it home again. He was shaking a little by the time he keyed in his code. He pushed the door open and dropped the bags of groceries onto the floor.

This place had never felt like home. It was not what the Lee Mansion had been. It was not even what Hyukjae’s place felt to him.

Donghae kneeled down and started crying silently.

Why did Hyukjae have to be his definition of home? Donghae was never going to feel at home anywhere that was not with him.

All he needed now for comfort was a hug that felt like home. If his apartment would have felt like home, it might have done the trick, but it did not. Everything about Donghae’s situation made him despair more and more with every passing second.

The tears did not stop flowing, but Donghae’s knees started hurting. He got up and walked straight into the bathroom to take a shower and cleanse his face at least.

Maybe, the warm water would feel a little bit like a hug.

It did not. Nothing was helping. Donghae’s sobs were getting louder too, but when the echo freaked him out in the quiet bathroom, he bit his tongue and tried calming down once again.

Donghae turned off the water and stepped out, putting all his eggs in one basket with hoping that the radiator-warmed towel would feel like the hug he craved.

It did not.

Donghae was shaking when he got dressed. He put on a big, orange jumper and pulled the hood over his wet hair.

He was not thinking this through but right now, this was all about not thinking.

He knew what he needed to feel better again. It would be doing exactly what he had sworn himself not to do, but it was necessary. This was no way to live. He needed to calm down. In order to achieve that, he would have to crawl back to Hyukjae.

Donghae left his apartment in a haze just briefly checking whether he had his phone with him. The haze got worse on his way to Hyukjae’s home.

This was added on by the tears that filled his eyes and then started streaming down his face again.

By the time he arrived in the lift, he was shaking again. He did not feel much. He felt a general sense of coldness, but he was not really present. The tears had soaked his jumper, but even that was not very noticeable to him.

The lift opened and he stumbled out, towards Hyukjae’s door. His vision got even more blurry.

He pushed up the keypad, not thinking much at this point.

His fingers were shaking, but he was positive he had put the right numbers 1-5-1-0.

The pad flashed red, peeping angrily at him.

He must have missed a number. Again, he put in 1-5-1-0. The pad flashed red again.

Why was the door not opening?

Donghae’s eyes produced more and more tears and he saw less and less. Why was the door not opening? He had opened the door before! Why was it not reacting now?

Without noticing, Donghae sank to his knees, putting in the same numbers over and over again. The door did not react after a while, but he kept going. The universe was wrong. He was right.

Hyukjae’s door code was Donghae’s birthday. Donghae was right and the universe was wrong!

“Why?” Donghae whispered. At the sound of his broken voice, he started crying more. This was also the moment he realised he was on his knees. His knees hurt with the way he was shaking, but there was no way to calm down.

He was so close to the comfort he needed and yet he failed on the finish line.

“Why?” Donghae was really just moving his lips at this point.

Suddenly, there were arms that wrapped around him and lifted him off the floor.

“Shhh.” Voice and scent reached Donghae at the same time. All immediate danger and stress left him but with that also the last bit of tension in his body that had kept him upright.

Donghae fell against Hyukjae’s side and only noticed at the periphery of his consciousness that Hyukjae was more carrying than just supporting him.

“Why?” Donghae tried asking.

“Shhh.” Hyukjae hummed. He put in a code and help Donghae into the apartment. Donghae was too exhausted to notice much else apart from the warmth that enveloped him now.

“Why did that not open the door?” Donghae had his eyes shut and concentrated only on producing words, which miraculously worked.

Hyukjae was quiet for a good while. He helped Donghae onto a soft surface before he even as much made a sound other than the reassuring hum he had kept going ever since lifting Donghae off the floor.

“Siwon said it was too obvious.” Hyukjae’s voice was soft. “I changed it.”

Donghae tried moving, protesting, or doing something else, he was not really sure what, but Hyukjae pushed him back into the mattress.

“Sleep now.”

Donghae did fall asleep to what he was almost certain was Hyukjae running his hand softly through Donghae’s hair.

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is longer than the others will be, just so you know what you're letting yourself in for! :)


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